Two Rainbows in Stevensville

Chapter 7: The Note

To whoever is reading this,

My math teacher took my notebook, and read the whole thing out loud for the whole class to hear. I had a panic attack, I decided to skip the rest of school and just sit at the park. This will probably be the only day that I don't care where Bailey is, I just want to run away and never stop. I haven't been home, I know Mrs. Lancaster might have called my parents to talk about how "Your daughter is a sin and doesn't deserve to live the life she is living". Maybe I don't, maybe I shouldn't live at all. This is what leads me to this note. This... suicide note. I never thought it would come to this. I really didn't, I thought no one would find out except for Bailey, we would end up together and happy. I thought I could survive one more year.

Now all I have left is pain, a pain that I don't think anyone should feel. No one deserves to feel what I am feeling right now. The pain of knowing that I have lost my parents, my sister, and probably the one girl that I have ever loved and loved me back. I wish I had told her that. I am so stupid for not telling her that I love her. So this is where it ends huh? Me taking my own life. Sitting at a park bench and thinking how I am going to do it. I can't use a gun cause my family doesn't own one. No hanging because it's too slow. Maybe drinking something? No, I heard that's super painful. What about... jumping? The highest building around is in downtown and it's 10 stories off the ground. That should do the trick, I'll just get a taxi with the little money I have and go to that building, go up the elevator, up the stairs, to the edge, and just jump. I'll be happy then, I will be able to be in peace. But, before I do all that I have some things to say to the people who I hate and love, so here goes nothing.

To Mrs. Lancaster, fuck you. Why you did what you did, I will never understand. You decided to reveal my biggest secret knowing that I will lose everyone and everything I love. I hope you never sleep a full night ever. And I hope you realize that you are in this note and I hope your actions haunt you for the rest of your life.

To Mrs. Henderson, you are such an amazing teacher. Please keep doing what you are doing. I never really spoke to you about what was going through my head but one of the main things was how happy I was everyday in your class. I really wish I could have been less antisocial and just spoken more than a "Good morning" to you. Please continue being this fun and amazing teacher.

To my sister, you were the only other person who knew that I'm gay and only because you have a gaydar that is insane and you completely knew the second I was given the freedom to dress how I wanted. I love you so much and I hope you are successful in everything that you do. I know you will grow up and marry a man that deserves you. But please don't be disappointed in my decision and please don't blame mom or dad. This is all my own choice and I am happy with it.

To my parents, please, please, please, don't be mad at me for anything I've done. I like girls, you guys have to learn to deal with it and move on. I know you guys would disown me if you were to find out who I really am. I can't help it if I am not attracted to boys. Nonetheless I love you guys, you took care of me even though I've been hiding who I am for so long. I have heard how you guys talk about anyone who is gay or trans. It's as if you guys didn't care if a gay person died. So I guess I am doing you guys a favor, in a way.

To Bailey, I have no words, I know you are going to be mad, please don't be, as I said before this is all my choice, this is no one's fault. When I first saw you I immediately liked you, and then we started talking and I liked you even more. You know what I am going to miss the most? Your smile, it lit up a room in seconds, somehow even on a bad day you would walk into class, smile, and it'd make my day. It makes me happy when you are happy, and when you are sad it hurts me so much. I guess all I want to say now is... I love you.