Summoned to a Shattered World

Birthright Chapter 32 - Doubt

After two tense, listless days, Elmidath called for me in her room that night. Not quite sure what to expect, I paused beside her door to comport myself. I tried to think of why she might want to see, but nothing in particular came to mind. Whatever it was, it was probably something bad or she'd have saved it for the morning. Then again, it was hard to say; I didn't exactly have a lot of experience with her giving me good news.

Once my clothes were adjusted to my satisfaction, I brushed myself off and knocked. Elmidath pulled the door open almost immediately and ushered me inside. Despite not having done anything to displease her, recently at least, she was glaring at me. "What is it? Did I do something?"

She sat down on her bed and gestured for me to take the chair. "It's not about what you did, it's about what you might or might not do." I had no idea what she was talking about but I lowered myself into the seat and waited for her to go on. "Are you really still committed to this whole thing?"

"Of course." In actuality, I wasn't really sure but I was sure it was what she wanted to hear. And more importantly, it was what I wanted to believe. "Why do you ask?"

She looked away. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I've been having doubts myself lately."

"Doubts? Like what?"

Her long nightdress rustled as she clutched her knees to her chest. "Like maybe I don't know what I'm doing. That maybe I'm just going to make things even worse than they already are... that maybe I'm scared."

My mind went blank. How are you supposed to deal with a situation like this? I looked into her tearful, expectant eyes and found myself unable to offer her any consolation. She might very well be right, what was the point of offering her empty platitudes when there was so much at stake? "If... if you're having such serious doubts then maybe we are going about this the wrong way. You know a lot more about all this than I do, so you'd have a much better idea. You seemed pretty confident before, what changed?"

Elmidath closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against the top of her knees. "Nothing, really. The last few days have just given me a chance to think. And the more I think about all this, the more it feels like it was all a terrible idea."

My first impulse was to refute her claim but even if I could convince her with my baseless assumptions it wouldn't help either of us. "Even if it is, what else are we supposed to do? We can't just walk away at this point. Unless you're okay with leaving the people under your protection to fend for themselves. And if you were, where else would you go?"

"I don't know, I don't know anything. How am I supposed to figure out what to do?" She scratched at her scalp like a frightened animal trying to dig its way to freedom. "I can't believe I said I was going to change the world... I should have listened to my uncle; I really am just a fucking child."

Honestly, I largely agreed with her. It probably was an impossible dream. But there was no way I could tell her that. We were in much too deep for that. "Don't say that. You've brought us this far, haven't you?"

"To the brink of ruin, you mean? There's almost no one left to protect our territory and we're even running out of food."

I don't know what exactly had gotten into her, but she was clearly in some sort of negative spiral and didn't seem receptive to anything I had to say. Though that second part was nothing new. Well, if I couldn't convince her with the truth, or some version of it, then I'd just have to use what seemed to be a favourite tactic of hers; lying outright. "Things are grim now, but they'll get better. I promise." Like anything was ever not grim in this world. "It might not seem like it right now, but we really have made a difference for the better."