My dearest friends and family,
This letter contains just a sample of the emotional hurricane happening inside of me. The tears fall like rain, the rage a twisting wind, blowing through my mind, and the pain, an ever-present torrent on my soul.
You may not know this, but I've been asking to die for a long time. Asking God to just remove me from this little section of hell. I'm just an inkblot on society. An ever-present reminder to everyone that I'm not like them, and I can see it in their eyes, that it makes them sick. Also, I know I'm not beautiful, and I was destined to grow uglier with every year, but the constant reminders and notes and comments I received from people I barely knew, just made the reality of my imperfections grow greater in my mind.
I hate to leave you like this. I wish I could have gone out valiantly. I tried so hard to die with bravery. I put myself in harms way and tried to be a hero, but I didn't die, so I am leaving you the cowardly way. I am leaving you in shame, which is how I came into this world, so it's fitting that it's also how I go out. I know you aren't going to mis me, not for very long at least...Johnnie, you'll find someone else who enjoys reading the way you do and latch onto them, and Mindy, you'll find another pair of ears to listen to your R rating worthy stories. My mother didn't want me and so I doubt there will be much sadness to see me go. Maybe anger at having to pay for a funeral.
There won't be a memorial service at the school for me, no ribbons, nobody dressed in black. Nobody knew me, nobody wanted to, and now, nobody ever will.
There is no decision on whether or not it's going to happen....it's going to happen, I'm going to die. My only decision is how I'm going to do it. Right now, it's a debate between gun and pills. A gun when be faster, but pills would be cleaner.
Gun...I'm going with gun....
I'll see you later, maybe...if there is later...
Saga
