People think I should confront my brother about his bullying meaning that I'm closest to him. He's 15 minutes older then me. I'm the younger one. He's not gonna let me live that down. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I walk around school with my head down trying to hide the fact that I'm always on the verge of tears. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I don't sleep so I am always tired and have bags under my eyes. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that he's stronger, better, faster, more popular, more sporty, more handsome then me. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I'm Gay. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I'm a geek. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I'm in theater and enjoy it. He's not gonna let me live down the fact that I'm a worthless nobody. I know I am. All of this I know is true. But there are people who bring out the best in me. Like Eric. So yes. I have a crush on Eric. I wish I didn't. I wish I wasn't in love with his brown curly hair or his piercing green eyes. I wish I didn't love the way he sang, he dressed, he looked, he danced, he moved, or we walked. I wish I didn't love everything about him. But I guess that's something else I can't help. I know I'm a burden no one wished was born. But oh well, here I am.
Something else I hate is when people meet Tony before me. When people first meet Tony it's all "oh your so sporty!" Or "oh your so strong!" Even "oh look at how handsome he is! 16 and not one bit of acne!" Then they meet me expecting me to be just like him. All I get is "oh your pretty smart for your age." Or "oh your nothing like your brother. That's surprising." Or the worst one, "oh I wasn't expecting you. You look nothing like your brother! I mean.. your handsome too. Your also very scrawny. Well I guess no ones perfect!" Yes I get it. I'm short and scrawny. I don't have the perfect blond hair like my brother. I don't have the perfect blue eyes like my brother. I'm not as fast as my brother. I'm not as strong as my brother. I have acne. I have glasses. I have braces. I know.
God made Tony and said, "he's perfect!"
Then he made me and said, "well why not just give all this that should be split with Tony and just give it all to his brother. There good enough." When people see me they often think I'm adopted.
I look like my mom who past when my and Tony were 8. My step mother has brown hair and brown eyes. And my father has Blond hair and blue eyes. Tony had Blond hair and blue eyes. I have black hair and green eyes. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I am. I hate who I am. I don't have any friends. I don't have the mother I so badly long for.
My step mother treats me like I was a demon spawn from hell. Which I don't know how. I am nice and polite even at times I should be the opposite. Tony is the demon spawn. He's so rude and bullies both me and our half sister Lilli, who's only 4. My father treats Tony like he's some sort of champion. He gives Lilli all the love and attention he has. And he treats me like I'm non existent.
My mother was never like that. While my dad was playing sports with Tony, I always had my mother there to give me the love and attention I wanted from my dad. Sooner or later I didn't want it anymore. I just wanted to be with my mom. We would play games or GI Joes. I would help her garden and cook. Her death didn't effect Tony as much as it did me. He was effected of course, he's wasn't soulless back then, but it just hit me more.
All I long for is a hug and for someone to tell me they love me. Not even a relationship. Just a good friend. I wonder how you get those. Eric is my best friend but he will never notice me for me. He'll always choose Tessa over me. Which is fine. Like I said, I'm a worthless nobody.
