The Dream that Changed My Life

Dream

I don't remember my dreams.
Maybe I never had dreams.

But, like an old and nostalgic memory, I remembered it so vividly. 

I remembered floating, drifting through the vast black sea. The stars scattered across the skies twinkled around me, almost blinding to my emerald eyes. There wasn't any ground for my feet to rest on or an ounce of life anywhere in the cosmos. And yet, in such a serene dream like this, cradling me as my mother would do, I wasn't afraid at all. 

My fears dissolved into a hazy warmth.
All the tears, bottled up from years of suffering, evaporated into nothingness.

For the first time, I couldn't think.

And I was finally at ease. 

"Bailey."

Still, in my tranquil naivety, I wandered towards the voice, echoing amongst the galaxies and cosmos. As the voice chimed louder and louder, only the tsunami of my own thoughts flooded in. 

Don't you remember?
You didn't do what they wanted.

Piercing through my ears, this inviting feeling became daunting anxiety, stabbing through my veins and spine. 

In the distance, a silver-haired girl stood there, her hair spirling in the air with freezing eyes that can strike such terror.

I wanted to look away.
I couldn't.

She tilted her head at me, her expression was seemingly frozen.
She took a step at me.
I ran.

But, somehow she catches up to me.

"Bailey."

She places her porcelain fingers on my shoulders, her hair caressing my pale skin.

"Why do you keep on running?"

I tried opening my mouth.
Nothing came out.

Only memories spiraled in my brain. 

My friends staring down at me with disdain. 
My father yelling at me for disrupting him.

My disappointment in myself.

My own reflection, never satisfying. 

"I see."

She looks away from me.

"You know you can't stay like this forever,"

I want to scream.
So badly, do I want to yell at her. 
Only silence remains.

My body can't move.

My eyes start flooding, pouring out tears.

It's burning like acid, my cheeks and eyes ablaze. Only my bones, rattling beneath my skin, filled the empty void.

"Bailey."
"Say how you feel."

I stood there, like a puppet. My brain scanned for answers, conflicted in a tug of war between others...and me.

I want to satisfy others.
They need help, I shouldn't burden them...right?

I looked up.
She was gone.

The black sky shattered, drowning me in the salty ocean.

The ocean I was well aware of.
The ocean that terrorized me for years.

Apathy.
Anger.
Disgust.
Fear.
Misery.

Filling my lungs, force-feeding me the frustration I had to put with.
The insanity I had to hold back.
The cracks I had to mend together.

The true me I had to leave behind.

I jolted from my bed, my eyes still shaking. 

It was the same apartment. Posters of my science fair, books of standardized testings piled on my nightstand, pillows stained with tears, and the same scent of unwashed clothes I never have time for. 

Pictures of my father and mother, smiling at my award ceremony still lies, haunting my morning. 

I sighed in relief.

As I stumbled out of bed, her voice still ringing, filling my mind.

Perhaps, as I considered long ago.
Perhaps she was right.

I finally threw away those damn books.