coma baby

I - waste

in one's life, they will have the opportunity to do many things, many times.
however, the first time (depending on that particular situation) is usually the one that would be desired to be remembered the most. like your first kiss, first time you rode a bike, faced a fear etc.
all of these things are suppose to stick because they are suppose to remain a special memory for reminiscing, or at least that is what i thought to believe, until i realised that half of the first times i've experienced in my 17 years of being alive, are well and truly a waste.

for example, when i lost my virginity. it was rushed, i was too young and it wasn't with someone that i knew for sure would be a strong person in my life for at least a few months after the event. i was too delusional over my first (ironically) experience of male attention to do anything but want to give away the most innocent part of my life to him, believing that what we had at a young age could lead to something much more, but of course, that was well and truly wrong.
this is one of the things that contribute a small (but surely still impactful) reasoning to why i often feel impure, dirty and uncertain in myself, and the reality is there is very little i can do about it.

however, i have learned that having my virginity taken from me does not mean that my body belongs to the person that took it. it belongs to myself, in reality, and i can chose whatever or whoever i want to do with it. as a submissive, i get to chose who i confide most of my trust in to co-own my body, but ultimately at the end of the day, it is mine to feed, rest and take care of.

the things i have wasted in life, i never want to call learning curves, because it's not as if i could learn from my mistakes and try to re-do them, because they have already been done that very first time. i see myself regretting things i've done a lot, and i have realised that attitude won't be in your favour when trying to recover, and although you cannot technically go back and rewind the first time you do something, you can guarantee that the next time you do it, you do it with passion and trust in yourself and certainty, because if you have control over it at that particular time, that is what you desired and perhaps it will make an impact on your future. maybe a negative one you can turn into a funny story you can share with your most beloved friends, or a positive one that could last the rest of a lifetime.

"It is not that we have so little time but that we lose so much. ... The life we receive is not short but we make it so; we are not ill provided but use what we have wastefully."