Heart Tale

Moments and Memories...

You are still my favorite chapter that I keep re-reading night after night till my eyes are red with tears and my heart hurts from the time when we stopped being together. My memories of you are the ones which I am most fond of, and I am fearful they will fade like ripples on a pond. Writing about you was the only thing that kept me sane. I tried to turn you into metaphors, I keep reminding myself that you are just a boy, a boy who I thought could be way more too me.

While thinking today you crossed my mind and your face came into view and eventually, I ended up going through old pictures of us. In every picture I scroll I see you, far or near still with me. You always make me smile at everything you do, and things like that make me like you more. Like the smartness that you are when you talk in the goofy way, and even more when you do me too. I cannot say that you feel the same and for me, that's pretty lame. Today's realization hit me hard, you were like always around but I was too blind to see you. Now I realize what I did miss is you, my heart beating fast remembering things that were spoken and all the time we spent together. How did I let everything go so wrong when the connection between us was so strong?

Ups and downs with a few bad falls being with you seem like we have been through it all. Now I am afraid you won't anymore just walk away and close the door that we have built, free of deceit free of guilt.

It's like just the thought of being with him used to bring a smile to my face. Talking for hours with him on call is what I miss the most. It was like he used to know I wanted to talk to him and my mobile used to ring and his face flashing on the mobile screen made me excited. Breathing in and out before accepting the call to ease the excitement, but the smile always used to be on my face. Talking to him used to erase all my stress from a long hectic day. His voice was my stress killer and I miss our stupid long talks teasing him and vice versa.

As being in different cities when we used to make a plan to meet. It always used to make me anxious as I needed to control all my excitement and keep it at bay. I still remember meeting him and my friend after almost 6 months. My eyes were searching around in search of him. And finally, when I saw him I was flattered by how effortlessly he looked so handsome in a simple t-shirt and jeans. He had yet to see me so I took my chance and that's when I realized I was totally into him. When he finally saw me he smiled widely and I could see his eyes sparkling at the moment.

We were off to the mall and my friend and both of us were why there? So he said I chose it because we have some old memories out there and being there again after so long will make us relive those moments again. He has always been thoughtful among all of us and his thoughts were just impressive and gave me another reason to like him more. Reliving the old moments made me all too emotional, it was like we were back in college and playing in the game zone like we were little again. I remember the fluffy teddy bear bigger than me and all of my friends insisted I click a pic with it, the pool table we have used as our photo prop and many more memories came flooding back. That day was amazing and still, I remember it very clearly.

The next day he was on leave to spend his day with me and we didn't have any plans. I just called him and said I was leaving, he was late and I didn't have any idea what we were going to do. After around 10 minutes he finally arrived and we had a little argument and then he told me we were going to a movie. We had 30 minutes to spend and we decided to go to the temple. The movie was awesome we had some small talk in-between and actually, we were watching the movie with a lot of interest. Lunch went by blur but was good. Then we went for a short walk and decided to sit in the park and chat a little. It was fun talking like old times recalling the stupidity we did at college. It was getting late and we decided to head home. The small incident happened and I don't know if he noticed it or not but for me, it was the best moment and eye-opening moment. I was teasing him that I was going and I was not sure when I would see him again, so he got a little bit irritated and I being the kid instantly said bye and walked away he held my hand and I was pulled back towards him, and we were holding hands not for long but yep definitely there was a spark and I loved it. Eventually, I had to leave him and go.

Back to our lives, it came to as it was talking and chatting. Making a new plan to meet again. By that time I was sure about my feelings for him and was surely falling for him or I will put it as I have already started liking him and at any time I might tell him. Until one day I was all drained and tired from hiding it from him I told him and it sucked to know that he doesn't have the same feeling for me. Everything came crashing down and I was shattered. He didn't talk to me at all, I started missing him talking to him. It was like I lost some big part of me when he stopped talking to me. I cried every day cursing myself for confessing it to him and it hurt more because of my stupidity I lost our friendship as well.

Days passed and I tried to cope with it. It was my birthday and I was definitely not expecting him to wish me, but he did text me and somewhere I got the ray of hope. No, we were back to being strangers and it continued one day I got a gift and I was totally confused about who might have sent me the gift, I asked all my friends except for him. When all my friends said no then I finally asked him and he was the one who sent me the gift I was truly touched by his gesture and it again made me cry. But still, we were on no-talking terms.

Our relationship is complicated and I don't know if I ever will be able to figure out what is going on or what will happen if we see each other again. I know I must be the last person he would like to be with but I also know that he will not ignore me if we come face to face.

What I loved most about us was the way we could lose ourselves in each other over and over and still never know the way. I know we need some time apart. Some time to reevaluate what you are looking for. And if someday we find our way back to each other I know we'll be better for it. Still, I miss you and most of the time I think it'd be better to be fools together, than sensible without you.

Memories of him still bring smiles to my face...

Sometimes I wish it was him and not his memories...

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