SAUDADE | MICHAENG <COMPLETED>

1

People talk about love at first sight and feeling butterflies in your stomach. They say if you love someone, you know right away.

I think that's a load of bullshit.

I didn't love you at first sight. I didn't know you, and I don't believe that you can love someone you don't know. Sparks didn't fly when I first met you.

You were just a girl, and i was just another stranger. I thought that we might be friends. I didn't know that I would fall so hopelessly in love with you.

You see, loving you crept up on me. At some point, I knew that I wanted to be with you. There wasn't a big, romantic moment like there is in the movies, because love isn't like the movies.

Love doesn't happen at first sight. Love, like most good things, occur when you least expect it.

You were an unexpected surprise, the defining moment. The collision of stars that slammed into me hard and sent my neat little world plummeting into the ocean. I never expected it to be you, you know? But it is you. It's all you. And now there's no looking back

After you broke my heart, I began searching for things to keep you out of my mind. But everything reminds me of you, of us. I knew i needed to let you go Mina, but it doesn't work that way. It is not possible to see you everyday, you not even bothering to ask how I was, ignoring me like we were never even something.

I hate waiting.

But if it's waiting for you, I'll wait.

You used to wonder why I wanted so many pictures of us, it's because I knew that one day I would be alone and that's all that I would have left.

It tears me apart inside to even see photographs of you, because I look at you and I think, 'Wow, that used to be mine, that was a person I thought the world of, a person I would've done absolutely anything for, that's the face of a person I loved with my entire being, and that's the face of a person who fucking wrecked me.' It's sad, really how one minute you can have everything you've ever wanted and the next minute you could be collapsed on the floor of your shower trying to figure out if you want to be on this Earth anymore because the person you loved to death doesn't love you like he use to anymore.

I prepared myself. I prepared myself for you to walk away. I prepared myself for you to leave. I prepared myself for heartbreak. I prepared myself for what it'd feel like when you didn't text me for days. I prepared myself for the feeling I'd get when seeing you love somebody else. I prepared myself to be able to fake a smile when you asked how I was doing. But you never did. You keep pretending i didn't exist when i was right there in front of you.

I was ready to pick up the pieces of my broken heart without your help. I prepared myself, and yet, here I am, curled up on the bathroom floor, wondering what I could've done wrong, what I was missing.

Losing you wasn't just painful, it was damaging also. It wasn't me sitting down on a couch surrounded by my friends as we watched movies and ate food to try and forget you. It was me staying up at four in the morning because the thought of you was so fucking strong I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears every time I was in public, the hole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shaky rather than normal.

It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it because now I couldn't know where we had went wrong. It fucking hurt, losing you had hurt and I wasn't ever able to forget that kind of pain.

My friend asked me today "Does it still hurt that she chose someone else?"

Yes, and I think it always will, at least a little. It doesn't hurt that you chose her. She's prettier than me, smarter then me, not broken like me. Her smile is bright like the sun, her eyes are something you'll get lost looking at, and her laugh is like the melody of the most beautiful song I have ever heard. She is your favourite book, and I am just a page of it. She is really the obvious choice.

I am happy for the two of you, honestly.

Sometimes I see you holding her, and it looks as if you are scared to let go. I see her smile up at you, and I can just tell that she is lost in your eyes. I am glad that you found love.

It doesn't hurt that you chose her, but you wanna know what does? The fact that I almost had you. You almost loved me. You held me like that, and I smiled at you the same way she does now. But something happened, and suddenly you're all I can think about, when to you I'm just a distant memory.

"Do you still love her?"

I love her. I really do. But i know that every time I look into her eyes I fall into a trap. I know that every time I see her there is a part of me that wants to be with her, but there is another part that knows it's a bad idea. I know how she is. I know how bad she is, and I can't stop myself from falling into that hole.

"So you love her, but you don't want to?"

And i don't think I can ever stop.

i want to move on.

but moving on means forgetting, and i'm not ready to let you go yet.