SAUDADE | MICHAENG <COMPLETED>

2

Today, you finally talked to me, after waiting. Yes, I waited for you to make a move. It's a bit absurd of me to make the first move, isn't it?

You asked, "Why are you avoiding me?" "Because... because I think I cant keep you out of my mind okay? I think I'm falling in love with you. That's why I'm avoiding you."I confessed

You sighed, "Chaeyoung, I'm trying to get over you, I'm trying so goddamned hard. And some mornings I wake up and think, yes, I finally am free. Free from the constant battle of loving you and losing you. But then other mornings I wake up and all I can think about is how your eyes look with sunlight in them and how your face looks just before you break into a smile. I miss you so much Chaeyoung-a. But Jeongyeon changed, she changed for me." You grabbed my hand. "Maybe we aren't meant to be together, maybe not now, maybe not ever." you resist back those tears. "And I don't wanna have a single grain of hope, because blessed are those with no expectations. 

But sometimes I think against my own will that what if we break all laws? Maybe we'll forget each other soon but what if we meet again someday in the future, and in one look we'll feel the ache in our hearts of our incomplete love, and maybe then I'll be right for you, and you'll be right for me? Maybe we are meant to together, maybe not now, but maybe someday."

I looked down. Numb, my body is numb. But my chest hurts. It hurts Mina.I gathered the courage to speak.

"Will we stay like this?"

She finally let go. "Fuck Chaeyoung, I wanted it to be you. I really did"

"I hate you for giving up on me. I hate you for giving up on us. I hate you for hurting me. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not being there when I needed you the most. I hate you for what you've done. I hate you for ruining everything we had. I hate you for making me trust you when you were just going to break that trust. I hate you for making me love you so much. Mostly, I hate you for making me a fool because I still love you despite everything you put me through." I replied back.

"Do you regret it?" I asked.

"What? I don't know." Your voice shook.

"Everything."I replied. Silence. Heat flooded her body in the freezing weather. "Forget I asked" "Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me. Because you were." "You, too."

"I hope you find someone that loves you when you wake up in the morning. And I hope that person stops you from running to the bathroom to fix yourself before they can even get a peek of you. I hope they tell you how beautiful you are, not just in the way you look but in the way you hold their hands and laugh at their jokes. I hope you find someone who sends you messages when they don't know whether to get coffee or tea at Starbucks. But of course, you'd pick Coffee." we both laughed.

You looked me in the eyes and said, "I hope you find someone that really deserves you as much as you deserve them. I hope you find that person."

I wanted to tell you that, that person was you.

More than anyone I have lost, you'll always be the most missed. You took up a lot of my heart and you've taken some parts with you. And after that, my heart seems incomplete without you here. Sometimes I just feel like texting you, just to check up on you. But what good is in that? It'll only open up the wounds more. The feeling of missing someone hurts, but not knowing how they are and what they are doing... that really gets to me.

Losing you changed me. It has been months but it still feels like I just lost you yesterday. I like to think that I'm okay, that I'm doing better. But that's not true. I am struggling. I am depressed. I am not doing better. I may have gotten better at pretending I'm okay, but I'm not - okay. I miss you. Everyday. At random moments and in small things like drinking my coffee in the morning or listening to music, I'm reminded of you. I can't get you out of my head and maybe I don't want to. Maybe that's a bad thing for me. But you are the love of my life, you were. And I just can't pretend that you weren't.

I don't know how to recover from this, from you. I don't know if I will. I am terrified of what my future would be like without you. I am not getting any younger and I am scared of growing old alone. But I loathe thinking of spending the rest of my life with someone else, someone who's not you. I want you, just you. But you're gone. It doesn't make any logical sense. I don't understand why or how. And I still can't accept it. But I have come to accept that I am not okay, and I realize that's alright. One day at a time they say. You're gone and here I am left, struggling. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say. But that's a lie. Because I'm already dead. I died the same night that you left me. They just forgot to bury me.

"We should just keep in touch"

"Yeah"

Then you left me, again.

Love is worth fighting for, but not if I'm the only one fighting.

Detachment doesn't mean not caring. It's taking care of yourself first and letting others take responsibility for their actions, without trying to save or punish them.

Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different.

Let it hurt, then let it go.