James and I spoke over the phone the other day. He called that evening like he said he would and I told him to give me the weekend to think, I needed the space to clear out my head.
I've finally made up my mind, and I can't wait to tell him. James has grown to become an irreplaceable part of my life, even the thought of pushing him away or blocking him out scares me. It gives me a weird sense of discomfort and uneasiness. So, I'm willing to fight for what we have. What I do know is that this is going to be hard and its going to take a lot of work but I'm willing to put in all the energy I have to save 'us' because I love him, immensely.
I walk into the school parking lot anxiously gnawing at my bottom lip and see James standing outside the entrance, his head hung low while he kicks some stones around. He has a frown plastered across his face. i take a step closer to him and his attention goes from his shoes to me while he rubs the back of his neck for the millionth time and says, " Emma the last two days were the longest days of my life , please tell me you've made up your mind..."
"I have." I say simply " and what do you think?" he asks eagerly. I smile at him toothily and say , "I think what we have is worth another shot" I see his face light up and his smile spread wide across his face, his green eyes almost sparkle with delight at the sound of my words but then in a few seconds he changes his expression to a very confused one. He was clearly not expecting that. "Really?" He asks like a child who's scored well in a math test for the very first time would ask a teacher. I giggle at this and say " yes Jamie, really. Now smillleeee" I jump up on my tippy toes, flash my teeth, point my chin upwards and squeeze my eyes almost shut. He laughs at this and then does it too. Its this thing we do when we want to make the other smile or lighten up their mood when either one of us is sad. Somehow, it always works. " You don't know I happy I am Em" James and pulls me in for a nice, long, comfortable hug and nuzzles his nose into the crook of my neck. I'm addicted to the feeling I get when I'm around him, hooked on to it and ill never be able to let go of it. All I can think of right now is that I'm glad I chose to stay because I don't know how well I'd manage to cope w him gone.
We walk into class and I seat myself next to Kiara trying to ignore the huge smirk she's flashing in my direction. " you just walked in with james which means y'all are talking which means y'all are flirting-" I cut her off there and say " hey! We can talk and not flirt." Kiara gives me a knowing smile and says " James Ian Parkerson and Emma Riley Wilson can never be just friends and the whole school knows it. " I narrow my eyes at her and shrug. I can't argue because I know its true, we have a history of finding our way back together. " now if you let me finish I was saying , y'all are flirting that means y'all are back together. Are y'all ?" Kiara says and I nod. " holy mother of god I knew it ! I'm so happy " she screams out and the entire class turns their hears in our direction. Great, more unwanted attention. "Miss Walsh If you're done expressing how happy you are i'd like to continue with my class." Mister Scott says and she nods in response trying to control her laughter.
Todays turning out to be a really intense day, other than all the consoling and the questions that have come my way I've just not been able to focus on anything all. Well at least it's finally lunch time. I walk to wards my usual table in the cafeteria and see Leah, Magnolia and the rest of the group seated there like nothing changed at all. Amidst all of them I see a tall frame with his head popping out, it's James. He's laughing and talking to them like he would on any other day and my heart sinks right there. All the doubts I had about our relationship after the fight come flooding back in, double of what they were last time. I feel my knees go weak but I collect myself and take a deep breathe in. I'm done crying in front of them and I'm done looking weak. I feel a small pain in my chest when I realise that this is how he is, theres nothings to work on because characters don't change.
I turn around to walk away when I hear a scruffy deep voice behind me," hey babe" James says in the charismatic way he always does. I turn around to look at him and he him smiling shyly at me, he hasn't even realised that he's wrong or that I'm mad at him. " Don't you dare 'hey babe' me right now" I say bluntly, my face emotionless and I walk away. " Emma wait I don't understand " he says trying to catch up with me and reaches out for my arm. I shrug it off and say " just leave me alone, you clearly don't need me. Just get back to what you were doing. You seem happy there. " I run towards the door before tears flood down my heated face. I don't know if he understood, but honestly I don't care if he did.
My head feels dizzy and I find myself running down the hallway heading towards my locker when I bump into styles and the rest of the guys, all accept Charles and James. I quickly apologise and bend down to pick up my backpack and so does styles. He beats me to it and hands it over with a small smile. " Thank you " I say and begin to walk away when he stops me by saying ," Em are you okay?" I wasn't expecting that. Everyones looking at me with weary eyes waiting for my reply. " I'm fine" I lie.
"This may not be my place to say but you shouldn't be with James. He should've taken up for you" styles says , stating everything I already know but don't want to accept. " Emma James is like a brother to me and I love him but if I were in his place i'd do something and I'm only your friend." Sky says genuinely.
" I know, y'all are right" I say meekly and finally walk away, thinking about how tough this is going to be and how much I'm going to hurt after this but I also know that breaking up is the right decision. I can't be with someone who doesn't take up for me and a person who can't stand by me when I need him the most, I understood why he didn't speak up then but I don't understand why he's still talking to them. He says he respects me but talking to them so casually after what they just did says otherwise. I didn't even want him to cut them off completely all I wanted was for him to show some distance so they know he's mad, so they know what they did was wrong, so I know he cares. It's not normal , none of this is and the most hurtful part is that he hasn't realised that. love isn't always enough.
I walk into class and see James seated on the last Bench alone, fifteen minutes before the bell. He's fiddling with a pencil and frowning to himself, he seems lost in thought because he doesn't hear me walk up to him. i really want to say " smilleee" and do that cheesy thing we always do but I can't.
"Hi" I say softly and seat myself on the chair next to his. " Emma please tell me whats going on? I thought we sorted everything out this morning but then in the cafeteria you told me to leave you alone" he says. I had hoped he realised why I was mad but he hadn't and that hurt even more. All of this is starting to frustrate me and for the first time in my life I feel weak, I'm not weak. I've never felt so vulnerable before the incident and I'm hurting. " James this isn't going to work out. I cant be with someone who is so close to the people who did something so wrong to me not even two days ago. James I Iet go and understood where you were coming from when you told me how you just froze and couldn't do something then. But this, I don't understand." I feel how real things just got and tears frantically trickled down my face, I can't hold them in any longer. " Emma please , please don't do this. I love you, i'll stop talking to them if thats what you want I don't even care about them. All I care about is you, just tell me what you want me to do" he says his eyes filling up and his voice cracking.
" Thats the thing, it shouldn't just be what I want, it should've been what you want too. How could you not know this James, how ?" I say. " Em I swear I don't care about them I'm sorry" James says, tears now trickling down his face too " Now thats a load of crap, if you didn't care about them you wouldn't go out of your way to still be friends with them"
"Em, they're friends with all my friends. It's not because I like them, its because to have company you have to be nice to the people you don't like " James says and I almost lose my cool. Why the hell would he think like that. I just lost eight of my former friends and I'm absolutely fine. I'm completely mind boggled with what he just said. We're both crying at this point and this whole thing played out a lot worse than I imagined it to be. I'm about to get up and leave when James pulls me in and hugs me . He whispers in my ear, " i'll wait for you" I feel a pang of sadness in my heart as I squeeze my eyes shut and whisper back, " I don't want you to anymore. " I get up and leave after saying this , I can't sit through class. On my way out I see styles standing with Kiara at the entrance. I hear him ask, " why is she crying ?" It's not like him to care but he does. Shortly after I hear Kiara call out to me. She comes running up to me and says , " lets take you home."
