Mother rain has abandoned me for starwart.
She clearly favors him more and he's become more important than me to everyone in my once fairytale-esque family now.
I know I'm being theatrical, with these blood-and-thunder words but I can't describe it any better than this. I don't know how.
My chest hurts one more, and once again I feel the numbness creeping in.
I'm going to be left behind aren't I?
It hurts so bad because I was so "paranoid" (as starwart said) of this happening. I let down my guard and everything I worked so hard for is slowly crumbling in front of me and I can't do anything about it.
Everything I like is ridiculed and scorned at in my own household and I don't know how long it'll be before I crack again. I also can't be myself at school because I can’t be seen as weak.
I’m drowning in a sea of emotions and hoping that someone will read this, but deep down, I know it’ll never happen. I will be forgotten by my family. They already have started; I can leave a room for approximately 6-7 hours before they notice and, more often than not, they do nothing. I play one-sided hide-and-seek with them to see if they care and every time, it goes something like this.
Angrec: “Hey, where’s weed?’
Mother rain/Starwart (both or one of either): “No clue, probably on her (insert electronic device).”
(When they’re in a casual mood or just almost every time)Starwart: “Probably watching something like those stupid shows, god she’s so weird.”
(that one-in-a-million instance) Angrec/Mother rain: “No seriously. Weed? Weed?!”
And when they always find me I’m in a shock-like state from crying from the all-familiar bitter resentment and aching loneliness. Once again, more often than not they assume the most hurtful thing their minds could ever muster; I’m high on some sort of drug. Every time, it hurts so damn bad I can’t breathe, and when I show my hurt, I’m called overdramatic. I want to end everything and even though I believe I have nothing to live for, something I can’t recognise for sure is holding me back. Maybe it’s my dog, maybe it’s me wanting to prove everyone that ever said I’d amount to nothing wrong. I don’t know for sure. All I know is I want to destroy whatever is holding me back. Except my dog, he deserves the world. It’s most likely my dog, and I know it’ll hurt more than anything when he leaves me.
I don’t know how to stay okay anymore.
If anyone reading this(if anyone reads these shitty “chapters” at all) has any ideas, shoot away. It’s not like you could hurt me more than my family has anyways.
Signing off,
-Weed
