I can't do this anymore. I hate the fake smiles, pretending I'm ok, and bearing through the pain. Everything hurts and I can do nothing but cry. I can't make people love me, and I certainly can't make them stay. I'm slowly but surely returning to my old, ruined state. It's nobody's fault, not directly anyway. Since I can remember, (even as a young child) I have craved the Godspeed of the inevitable end. Every time I try, something holds me back. I'm not sure what it is but I want it to stop. It's torturing me with the sadistic nature not known to man, or even the entirely of nature. Over and over again I fall into this abyss, each time I'm more broken than the last.
I don't want to die but I do. It's confusing to describe but it's how I feel. I don't want to be saved, but I do. I can't properly feel emotions anymore, all of them shrouded with my depressed and apathetic state.
I need help but every time I try to ask to get professional therapy, they end up not solving anything. Asking the same questions over and over again. It doesn't help, merely prolonging my agony and self-hatred.
Everything has lost its fairytale shroud and I'm now noticing just how rotted and broken I am. I'm nought but a walking corpse, feeling only slivers of my past emotions, desperately grasping at shards of my past self and mourning their loss when it crumbles away, as though "I" never existed.
Someone please tell me what I should do. I'm so fucking lost.
