Letters Undelivered

What Are You Doing To Me?

I just cannot get over it. You are always on my mind. W.H.Y?? I do not want this. I want to be independent. I want to focus on muself and just become a real, responsible, functioning adult. How do I focus on me whrn all I see in my thoughts are you? What you have said to me, and how the words escaped those lips of yours. What you look like, the clothes you wear and how your shoulders sit so squared and how they slender down to your arms and eventually your fingers. Body hair was never my thing, but why do I love it on you? What made me so turned onto you? You were never my type. You still aren't. But I would snuggle up to your chest and love every tickle that your hairs gave my cheeks. I wonder if it is ever bothersome when I lay on you like I do, and if it also bothers you when I just reach my hand to play with your body hair. I just love the feeling of your tiny hairs in between my fingers. It is almost like a calming feeling. How is it that I am so horrifically nervous and anxious around you, but also kind of comfortable. I love being in your company. 

I heard your heartbeat. I wish I had had a better listen to it. But what I got was magical. It seemed like your heart was beating a little hard and fast, like mine. I am really hoping that I was not just projecting. Do I make you nervous? Even in just the slightest? Do you look forward to seeing me? I wonder if you crave my touch like I do for yours, or if I am ever even on your mind. 

I wish I did not think about you every day. 

I appreciate what we have, trust me I absolutely do not want to ruin it. 

"I don't want you to get your feelings hurt" Trust me, I know. I wouldn't want to be with me long term, either.

You make me so mad and confused but you also give me so much hope and are such an amazing person. I still don't fully remember how our conversations started to really get going, but I am glad that you started chatting with me. I honestly probably would have not had the guts to leave that toxic relationship that I was in when I met you. 

I will never forget that time you offered to order me an Uber, while you were in Lakeland, and I was at Howl-O-Scream with my wife. She and I had gotten into an argument and I thought she had left me at the park and you, having only talked to me for a couple weeks, offered to help get me home.  That was the night I told her I wanted a divorce. 

I am so happy that you talk to me. I am so glad to have met you. 

I just really really want you to like me. I know, I know... Neither one of us should be thinking about dating since there is not much room leftover that stuff after all of our other responsibilities. Besides, I get to talk to you and sleep with you. Why should I be pushing it!? Labels aren't needed, no I know that, I do. But fuck, man. I just want to know what the first few things are that cross your mind when you think of me? What way do you think of me? Do I turn you on when I am not even around? I just have to think of you and my dumbass is smiling for minutes, do you? I just want to know how you feel about me. I have got to stop over-romanticizing our relationship. You even said to not over think on the small sweet things you do, and here I am, tripping on the small things.