I look out the window as we drive home. Yugyeom is silent, for obvious reasons. His jaw is locked, hand gripping the steering wheel like a vice.
Why did he kiss me? Does that mean he likes me? Why would he like me? He acts like he hates me ninety percent of the time, and the other ten percent he annoys me.
The part that scares me the most is that I kissed him back. I pulled him closer, I let him kiss me. And I enjoyed it.
How could I have done that? I have Jb. I don't like Yugyeom. Right?
Does this mean I cheated on Jb? Yugyeom kissed me, but I did kiss him back. A wave of guilt crashes through me like a tstmami and I lean my forehead against the cool window.
"Don't fall asleep in my car," Yugyeom says in a monotone, eyes flitting over to me briefly.
l sigh.
I yearn to ask him why he kissed me that way; and why he's being so cold now. l think for the upteenth time that there are so many things I want to ask Yugyeom, but I know he'll never answer.
We arrive back at the apartment building and I hastily get out of the car, not waiting for Yugyeom to catch up to me. I decide against an awkward elevator ride and begin climbing the stairs, my heels clicking against the concrete steps.
As I reach the first landing, I hear someone begin to climb the steps as well. I stop and turn to see Yugyeom, his eyes cast down as he catches up to me.
He stops where I am and looks me in the eye, his expression blank.
We stare at each other for a few moments. His gaze is intense, burning with something I can't quite decipher. I swallow.
Yugyeom looks like he wants to say something, and he looks down. "That wasn't supposed to happen," He says quietly.
I nod. "I know." I chew on my lip.
"Are you going to tell him?"
Am I? It would be the right thing to do. But a tiny part of me wants to keep the encounter between Yugyeom and I-our own little secret that we keep buried away.
"No." I say finally.
"Why not?" Yugyeom's tone is challenging.
I shrug. "I have a feeling he has secrets of his own."
"I thought you said he‘d never hurt you."
"I don't know anymore."
He finally breaks my gaze and continues to climb up the stairs. I turn quickly and follow him.
We arrive at our floor and Yugyeom digs in his pockets for his keys. I fish for my own and unlock my door, pushing it open. I turn and look at Yugyeom.
There is so much I want to say to him, to tell him I wish I had never broken the kiss, that he makes me feel a way that I've never felt before. But he's closed off now and he'd just insult me.
"Thanks for...cheering me up," I say quietly. "And...your friends are nice."
He looks at me, frowning. He nods before opening his door and walking into his apartment briskly, the door slamming shut behind him.
And I can't help but wish I had said something more-anything more, really. Yugyeom confuses and baffles me to no end, but that's the thing about mysteries-they're made to be solved.
