Journal About My Relationship With My Dad

Heartbreaker

The pain never went away. Her stomach twisted and burned with her heart. He had abandoned her once again and left Willow feeling hopeless and barren. His absence in her life made her doubt her worth and ability to be loved. She hated that she felt that way.

Her tears which had started as a treacle were now a flash flood, breaking havoc  on its canvas. The skin around her eyes was tight, and her head pounded. 

"I should really drink more water - or stop crying." She mumbled once the natural disaster had ended.

She let the remainder of her tears slide down her pale cheeks before wiping the remaining wetness from them. She was tired of crying; tired of  the heartbreak he unwittingly caused and tired of being let down time and time again. She replayed their last encounter and wondered if it was their final "goodbye". Deep down, she knew it was.

Her dad had come to visit her while she was on holiday. She was excited to see him but her mood soon took a nose dive when she saw who he brought with him.  Maggie, his wife, stood behind him with a smile on her face next to Mikey, her half brother, and the distant memory of a girl from long ago. Her name was Kayla, she remembered. They used to be friends when they were little. He told her that she had just moved in with them and Willow felt like Kayla knew him better than she did; she was mostly okay with that.

Between bland and meaningless conversation, Willow excused herself under the guise of needing the restroom to talk to her mom. Her mom and her were on the same page when it came to her dad so she felt comfortable talking about him to her.  He had promised to come alone and it peeved her that he did not understand that she cared to spend time with only him. They saw each other once or twice a year and this is how he wanted to spend it?

Rolling her eyes, she headed back to the dull  dialogue. He tried to engage her in conversation by asking her questions about her life but she kept her answers short. She grew tired of this talk and longed for the sun to set - that was their que to leave.  Behind her nods and toothless smiles she was planning the next days activities.  A quick glance behind him warned him that the hourglass was running out. They said their farewells before she watched their ancient, tired car cough up smoked and eat the road. She was relieved by their departure but saddened by the whispers of her conscious telling her that he was gone for good. She knew the open wound would throb for a long time but eventually his memory would be nothing more than an old scar. Her whole life had built up to this moment, but she was still ill-prepared  for the onslaught of tears that made rivers down her face. She was coming to terms with the death of the father she was so deserving to have -  it took her over a year to realise that.

A father is supposed to be every little girl's hero - so why wasn't he hers? He can blame depression all he liked, but that did not change what he did. She supposed he also regretted his lack  imvolvement in her life but they all have choices; he didn't choose her. One can't keep plucking from the beauty of nature and leaving it in a waterless vase, expecting it to last.

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This event happened in 2017 and was written about in 2019 (3 May)