Just a memory

Chapter 1

Hardin

Fuck. This is so fucked.

It's been 28 days since Molly told Tessa About the bet. 28 days in which my pain and misery were killing me slowly. She was the only constant in my life. The only Person I have ever loved - and will love, my Consciousness reminds me. It's true. After Tessa I will never be able to love anyone else, fuck, I haven't even loved anyone before her.

My existence begins and ends with her. When I wake up in the morning she is the first thing I think About. Even in my dreams she haunts me. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with her consuming my every thought. I'm fine with her taking my breath away because she is my breath. Fuck I'm even fine with her yelling at me. Anything, but not this.

I haven't heard her voice in 28 days. I haven't caught a single glimpse of her face shining underneath the sunlight as her angelic Features would light up. Is she fine? Or does she feel as miserable as I do? Do I want her to feel as miserable as I feel? Fuck no. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this kind of way - besides Zed, my Consciousness reminds me once again. True. Zed.

Is she with him Right now? Is she laying next to him wearing his clothes?

A stirring pain in my chest brings me to my knees from where I was standing, causing me to hold tight onto the kitchen counter. What if she- I interrupt my own thought, afraid that if I finish it, it would kill me once and for all.

After 28 days I've come to the Point where I feel like even death couldn't be worse than what I'm going through. After 10 days I still had hope. Hope, that she would let me explain. I have no idea what the actual fuck I would have told her because there is no excuse for my fucked up self. Even after 20 days, the hope was still there. It vanished with every second that passed in which I didn't hear her voice, but still, I Held onto it.

Now after 28 days and not even the smallest interaction with Tessa, that hope I was Holding onto so pathetically is gone.

I get up from my knees and open the fridge. Salad and Whiskey. Since Tessa left the Apartment I didn't bother to buy groceries. I didn't even bother to touch the fucking Apartment. I left everything as she did.

I grab the Ice cold Whiskey and swing my head back. The liquor runs down my throat and I can feel the familiar burn. I sigh in relief. I haven't drunk even once since she left me, because I had the pathetic hope that she might come back to me. But she didn't. No one ever did. And I can't blame them. If I would have been in the position many people that tried to be a part of my life already have been in, I would have run too. Because I'm a fuck up. I don't deserve Tessa's light to shine onto me. I am not worthy of her love, or anyones really. 

Seeing as time goes on and realizing that she'll never forgive me, I take another sip and gulp it down. Before I can even realize it half the bottle is gone. It's beginning to have the intended effect. After taking more and more sips the bottle is empty after less than an hour.

Before I can stop myself I see the pieces of the broken Whiskey bottle laying in front of me, the last sips of it dripping down the wall. It feels good to finally let my burning emotion out so I keep going.

"Fuck!" I scream out of the top of my lungs, filling the air with this 'ugly word', as Tessa Always called it. But finally, after 13 days, the Emotion I've been so desperately trying to hold in, breaks through. I drop to my knees once again and let it consume me. Fully.

I can feel the hot Tears soaking my cheeks. I haven't cried since day 15 and even then, it wasn't as bad as it is right now. But here I am, crying like a Little pathetic bitch and letting the thought slip in that I lost her. Really, lost her.