alter.

damn girl.

it was 5:30 in the morning and i woke up drenched in sweat. although i lived a horrible life, the nightmares i had on a regular were considered more horrific to me. i laid back down and waited for the wave of anxiety to disappear. my body was tense so i evened out & made an angel in bed. yeah, like a snow angel. i began to lay with ease and ended up dozing off. i remembered jumping up hearing sirens and seeing flashes.

i ran down the stairs to make sure everything was alright.

"DAMN GIRL!" my mother shouted as she jumped back into the couch.

i guess i startled her.

"sorry mama." i said dryly.

"yeah, yeah. do you have everything ready for school?" she asked scratching her head through her scarf.

"yes ma'am."

"alright nie', gone on and get ready." she shoo'd me off.

i did as told.

ya know, i'd always wonder what life would be like if i had a real family. it was just me and my mother. my grandmother died when i was a yungin'. she left behind the house that me and my mother now resideS in. it was crazy how shit could be taken from you just like that in life. it humbled me. growing up, mama always told me to count my blessings and be grateful. i listened.

i came downstairs and showed her my outfit for today.

"ow, ow girllll. you're so gorgeous, do you know that?" she questioned while caressing my face.

"thank you mama." i held her hand onto my face.

my mama had a rough phase, but there's not a woman alive who could take her place. even if she was who she was before. she's learned and i'm proud. in the younger days, mama was on drugs. i was taken into custody with grandma. i loved who mama became.

mama snapped her fingers in my face, interrupting my daze.

"let's go baby." she waved signaling me to come outside so she could lock the door.

the car ride was silent. i couldn't talk. it's like when i tried my voice either cracked or came to a halt.

"what's the matter?"

"nothing, just ready to be done with school." i semi-lied. i was ready to be done with school but that's not what was bothering me at the moment.

"you'll be graduating shortly, baby. keep going. if there's anything i can do to help, then i will. you know that. i'm your mother first." she stated sternly.

"i know mama." i exhaled deeply.

"alright. you should. i love you." she placed a kiss on my cheek and unlocked the door.

"see you later, i love you too." i shut the car door and went on about my biz.

i always heard the phrase, "when it rains, it pours for real.", and i never understood it until now.

i walked into the school and entered the cafeteria and grabbed breakfast and sat down. my thoughts were haunting me.

"LEROY, STOP!" my mother yelled.

"I'LL KILL ALL OF US RIGHT NOW LISA, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"mommy, what's going on?"

"GO back into your room baby." she sobbed.

i ran into my room and played with my baby doll that my auntie gave me for my 6th birthday. she'd always send clothes & toys from georgia. with then, i heard a slap and a hard thud.