I Know How It Feels (Depression)

1

Nobody understands. Everyone that has depression doesn't always think suicidal. I don't. I am tired of living but I don't technically want to die. I never want to do anything, really.. I feel like nothing at all can heal me from all of this. I have my "happy" moments but I don't even know if i'm truly happy. I laugh a lot more than I did before all this started happening. It's all I know how to do. It's like it's the only response I have unless I can truly block you out. { I'm sorry if some of this doesn't make sense.} Depression is the worst thing anyone could ever go through. It doesn't matter where you are, if your thoughts get to you, you almost breakdown in the moment. I have practically diagnosed myself. Only a couple close friends know what I go through and I kind of regret letting them know. I feel like it weakens everything inside of you. Your energy, immune system, and you sometimes get these random pains inside your body that you worry about. It takes so much to try and be happy around everyone. Anxiety is just as bad. Having both makes you just... you feel like hell. They both get worse for me every. single. day. I get more and more scared to wake up for school every day to the point where I want to bawl my eyes out. I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to do anything to do with school. I want to run away sometimes, get away from everything in the world. You know what is the worst part of me having depression is? Not knowing why or what causes any of it. I'm so tired of getting up worrying about how I look and how miserable I will be. I worry so much about being judged by every single person wherever I go. I even worry about getting judged by my own family. I hate leaving my room sometimes. I hate how miserable I can be sometimes. It's funny though... your "bestfriends" are supposed to be there for you, for you to vent and be there for you in general. Not leave and hate you because you confess to be depressed and having anxiety. Right now I have nobody. At all. That is there for me whatsoever. I am completely alone and I don't talk to my parents about any of it or have ever mentioned it.