Living In the Shadows

Living In the Shadows
Instagram @reusta_11

Chapter One
Shadows.What are they? And what one feels in living in them?
Some say they are just an illusion created when light is blocked. Some say its a place where a walking dead lives. We cannot say what we are after. Some are dipped into the shadows too much that they feel hollow. They fall in love with their pain and they sleep in their regrets. They are petrified and they walk, breath and lurk over the people in their lives that they call soulful.
Life is so fleeting. So fragile. Every breath of potential may not last.Everybody born in this world has a darkside. There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface. As for me? I pretend that Im alive. Im a man with no sorrow, sympathy or love. If Satan had his slaves surely I would be on that list. I’ve never had much use for the concept of hell, but if hell exists, I'm in it. The same images running through my head, over and over. Sometimes I see people's pain. On some level I even understand their pain. I just can't feel their pain. So what would you call me?
A Monster?
Every night as I go to the bed I look at the wall and ask myself. Is there anyone that knows me? That feels nothing? No chills of the joy, the tears of loss, the grim look on seeing blood, the feeling of loved and the feeling of being human, simply nothing?
The world should know there are people like us.
Who am I?
Well it goes back to December 1979.The Soviet–Afghan War. When insurgent groups fought a war against in Soviet Army and the Democratic Republic of Afghanistan. I wasn't born in an ideal home where you get love of the grandparents and warmth of your mother and proud look of your father. I was called by the name Sadam. My father a dignified doctor and an honest man was a doctor that ran away just to support the Muslims. The day came. November 16th 1980 . I was born. The day I was born the soviet army were hunting Muslims like a mad dog cut loose. Every child in neighborhood was killed, it was like an honor for them to slaughter the kids and bring terror in the minds of the Muslims.So as the time passed my parents sent me to a neighbor's house to study because there weren't any schools to teach Muslims. This was the last thing Soviet army needed. So whenever I had to leave for that house I followed signals. We had a group of four kids. Every kid had a duty at that time. One was selected to gaze around the corners of the street, second had the duty to look for a hiding place in case any soldier came sneaking around, third had a duty to count and hear footsteps in order to judge whether they ll stay or leave. And I was the fourth, my duty was to make sure everyone stays together and read every signals that a soldier gives. Those were the big tasks given to us and our fathers made sure we sniff, we walk like a hunter and run like an animal. And when we got to that house, first thing was to open the bunker and get in. Everyday passed in this way. And it was like hiding for survival.
Chapter Two
As the days kept on passing things got more worse.we kept on going to study like in the normal hiding way. But there were not only four of us. Other neighbors sent their children too now . And word traveled to the corners of the country that Muslims are getting prepared. So that one day we were going as a group we heard the sound of a soldiers patrol group. Everyone got panicked and every child ran. They didn't know the ways we were going before. We four ran and hid in the garbage behind a closed shop. As I peeked I saw kids running and soldiers chasing them. The fat ones were caught early they hit them on their head and took them to their base. As the day passed and night came we got out of the junk and all rotten vegetables and food everything was on us. We looked around and then ran to our homes.
The next day we went out and saw no kid. There was no one. Everyone got scared and didn't want their child to be kidnapped. But what happened? What made them sacred to death?
We four picked up the shoppers of our books and went out like our fathers taught us.To Live like a hunted animal. We went out and as we reached at the corner of the street in the center of the city Kabul we saw four kids hung by the noose, with blood dripping down from their noses and feet. It was like they were bound in shackles first, then with a minor cut around the neck, they hung them and they bled to death. We saw pool of blood on the ground and drops kept on coming from them. But there was something more. Something beside this cold hearted butchery. Something meant to point out that it was a lesson . Those kids had a message. They were not only bloodbathed to death, they were hung by aa paper around their neck with a message “Atrakul Baladun ” which meant leave the country. Sometimes still whenever I go to the bed I see those kids faces. With that message and I sweat till I wake up breathless. As we saw that we were all turned to stone. No one had any words coming out of their mouth. No one had any consoling words. As a kid one thing we knew that those kids didn't deserve that inhumane death. The fear in my bones and the sweat on my skin kept on coming the longer I saw them. We never thought the world could lose the value of humans. The world would stoop this low to turn the tables in their favor. Our feet became heavy and breath became shallow and eyes began to swell as we moved with that scene in our minds. But then we ran out of strength to bear that so much that qe forgot each other and everyone ran to his home without thinking of other and went to their mothers. As I ran back home I hid under the table, all trembling with fear and my eyes felt like they stopped blinking. My mother knew what we saw but she couldn't do much about it. All she could do was bring me out, give me a bath, tuck me in her arms and sing lullaby with tears rolling down her cheeks because she knew her kid didn't deserve this,till I fell asleep.
Chapter Three
The next three days, we all stayed at home and none of us wanted to go out. Filled with fear and emotions. Those three days I just stared out of the window in the morning and at night I used to look at the ceiling, lying in bed. Whenever I tried to close my eyes I got a flashback of those kids. Then our fathers realized the only solution to this was to keep on pushing. So they waited for the opportune moment. January 12th 1987 . The moment. When things got back on the track. We four went out to study. Everything became like the same life filled with instincts and tasks. One day we were going out like just taking a stroll. We saw a soldier. We were not sure what he was doing all alone on the corner. So we kids threw our bags and decided to run but one of us spotted blood flowing beneath him. This made us curious and as a kid curiosity is your curse because that leads to places when you're not even mature enough to decide its wrong or not. Me and my friend moved ahead, two of us stayed behind. We walked on our paws so that he doesn't look back. Then as we got close we saw that he was tying a noose around a little girls neck with the message. That soldier was getting pleasure in it doing alone so much that I never saw a person devoted in his work before. Maybe he was caught in that moment or what he stayed on to the corpse. He didn't even hear us. As we got close, we both were shocked on what was infront of us. Being a kid we're not regarded as being mature and maybe there's a reason behind it. In that moment all those previous faces pooped up in my head, agony and rage filled my eyes. I was like filled with an extra injection of boosters. I took the dagger just behind his left foot stealthy. I remember the look of my friend, he was just looking at what I was doing. He didn't move a muscle or squeaked. I picked up the dagger and with over courage spilling out of my skin. I stabbed him right above his shoulder in the neck. That guy was like hit with a current, he just turned and fell with his hands applying pressure over the cut. I thrusted it as deep as I could with a single jerk out of agony. That guy with suffocating voice tried to shout but he was stuttering. He couldn't speak a word. I saw his eyes rolling towards us. Then I saw my hands with blood. It was like a bolt from the blue . I felt like my heart stopped, my feet numbed, my eyes petrified and time paused. We all four saw that soldier trying to catch a breath but I could see in his eyes he was like trying to breath as if his lungs got broken. At that moment we all were like cut down from the bliss of the childhood to a world of darkness. I don't have words to explain the looks on our faces but all I can say is that it was miserable. We all ran from that spot leaving everything and thinking just one thing "Why were born? To get hunted ? Or as pawns that were disposable for gains of the world?
I tasted blood at the age of seven. I never knew that moment would change my life like God had taken your soul and made you a walking dead.
Chapter Four
12th February 1987. Two days after that lurid kill. I knew they'll get more aggressive. I knew they would hunt us now more than ever. Our fathers knew that a soldier got murdered but they don't know who did it. So they were already in this view that their time has come and won't last long. I heard my mother crying every night and I knew why because she was afraid of letting go of her child. But I love them for being strong on that moment. Father of me and my friends one day gathered, called all of us too. They said that we all love you but we can't be with you. At that moment we all looked at each other and felt like is this it? Is this the moment from where our life turns? And actually it was. They gave all of us two bags of supplies and money. And showed us the way out when the soldiers ll come.
So 18th February . It was that day. I was sleeping regardless of whatever I did ot whatever is luring upon me. I heard my mother screaming. She was shouting my name. I never felt regret so much more than I felt that day. Still I see that crying face of my mother as I sleep. She came shouting to me. They're coming. They're coming. She hugged me tight knowing that it's the last time to feel her own kid's flesh. I could feel her fingers clenching me so tight that I could anticipate how much desperate and afraid she felt. She took me up gave me the bag and asked me that whatever you hear and see. You won't scream, you won't cry and you won't come back. This was never your home. Go out and find your place. Leave as soon as the enter the house. I was hiding around the back of the house, peeking through the window. I saw my dad kneeling on the floor crying. A man who was my support, my everything, a man that taught me to be tough wasn't that much when I saw her kneeling. Maybe I shouldn't present it like this or maybe I shouldn't but that's what I saw. I looked around every friend in my group was hiding at the back of the house waiting. Then I saw the soldiers screaming at my parents. They first took my mother and then raped her infront of my dad. I never felt anger like this in me before. I felt like I would explode out of rage and sorrow. But I was a kid. What can I do? I kept on saying that to calm myself. They then threw my mother off the roof I saw her face filled with tears, her clothes torn and blood all around. Then they left my dad to see how he reacts. He ran. He ran like a guy who lost everything in his world and now all he wants to hold on to broken pieces that he can't fix. He was sitting holding the body of my mother and crying. All the soldiers were laughing. I never understood and kept on asking "Why us?" We had no weapons, no incentives then why?
They all mocked my dad as he was crying there. And then they got fed up and asked him to hold her dead body in his arms. He did. God, he did that like a man hungry for ages. They then all put bullets one by one starting from her feet then knee and then all the way to the head. They roasted him with bullets. I was standing, watching all numb and terrified. When I saw my dad falling. That was it. I felt like leave now or get killed now. All four of us held the bags and moved slowly without making a noise with tears in our eyes and terrified numbness in our limbs. Then as we got far we all ran . We all ran without knowing where. Without knowing to whom. That run was the longest of my life. It was all filled with flashbacks, pain and sorrow at that age when I should be playing. We all ran with our regrets of that kill.
Chapter Five
We all ran and went to the storage truck of those soldiers. We got in from behind the container and hid ourselves in the boxes. As I was sitting in the box, in the dark I heard sobbing sound of my friends. All three of them. I felt helpless because there was no way I could console them. In that instant, just after a while that storage truck began to move. Everyone became silent. We didn't know where they were going. Then after a few hours the truck stopped. They open the container of the truck and took a few boxes, we all were at the back and God saved us by an inch . Then after sometime, I came out of the box and peeked from the cracks of the container. I saw no one and hoped that no one should be there. So I asked everyone to come out. We all got down and then looked around it was all hell and chaos. This new place they took us was even more worse. We wasted no time and started running. We went to the nearest hawker. And asked for some apples. That guy was shocked on seeing four kids with the bags and said nothing. Just gave us apples. He asked us "Man Ieye Baladan Aannt?" meaning Where are you from? We all first hesitated but then Mateen said "Kabul"
That guy was caught off guard and was thinking how did the kids get here alone with these miserable conditions in Afghanistan. He remained quiet and was processing it all that I asked What is this place? He said "Tarinkot " Capital of Urozgan . That guy took pity on us and asked about our family. We said nothing but he got the idea. He asked us to follow him. We had no choice but to trust him at that moment. He took us home where he lived alone and told us that his family was killed too savagely. He then told us that you are in the place far much worse than kabul. He said Urozgan is the place where now Soviet war in Afghanistan, Urozgan between pro-Soviet forces and the Mujahideen was at peak. Mujahideen were lead by Jan Mohammad Khan . He lost his eye in a fight and Mujahideen were following him as an immoral merciless commander. He said you can't have a future here. You can stay here but not forever, they ll kill you too. He said I'll give you a way to get out but you must leave to tomorrow. There's a place between Helmand and Kandahar provinces in southwestern Afghanistan. It is a sandy desert called The Registan Desert. There you'll find Baluchi and Pashtun nomads. They ll protect you because soldiers don't come there. The next morning that guy took us to his friend who was a trader that traveled cities. He asked him for a favor and told that take these kids to The Nomads. He first wanted to aske why but he didn't get anything. He hid us under the clothes in his wagon and we kids were in God's hands now. Everything that was happening was out of our control. We were just waiting. We reached the Desert by night fall. I could feel the calmness and cold breeze and peeked but saw no signs of life. Then the wagon stopped and that guy asked us to come out. We saw a guy with long beard, tanned bruised skin and a turban. His name was Abdul Muti . The leader of the Baluchi tribes there. We were left there like slaves or for living we didn't know that. But that guy first hugged us all and after so many tragedies this was the first warm welcome that we all cried. He then took us to the tribe where everyone was given a brief introduction of who we are. And everyone looked calm with a little surprised face. He then told us you are like our sons. If you wanna live you have to be worthy. We can't afford useless people here. He said if you wanna live forget who you are. Forget where you belonged. This is your new home . Here we ll teach you how to hold a gun. How to hunt and keep yourself and others safe. You have a life to live here and that demands sacrifice. You gave yours. A big one. Now make yourself strong here or your families died for nothing.
Then we all entered the camp and were given water to bathe and new clothes. We had no mementos. Nothing to remind us of our families. We all then at that day fell in love with our pains, slept with our regrets and sorrows. Thinking that here life would be easy, they ll teach us but that was another false consolation in our mind. That came to us out of overflowing desperate feelings.
Chapter Six
The next morning I heard a gunshots, I woke up. I felt like renegades. I felt like the guy whose memory has been wiped off. As in the sound of madness of bullets, I got out of the tent and saw little kids holding guns and shooting at the cans and bottles. At that moment I was questioning myself that God where have you taken me now? It felt like a group of rebels that were making recruits for Mujahideen. As I was speculating those kids, I got a pat from Abdul Muti. He asked that am I well rested. Then all of us woke up and he took us far away from the camps with his companions. In that desert, a place where no life could be seen, he gave us all bamboo sticks and said these are our hunter dogs and they ll fight you. Use them and until they get tired or get bitten. He stepped away after saying that and I was the first to go for a shot at that rabid looking dog. He looked ferocious as he was dripping from his teeth and rubbing his claws on the sand. He gave a whistle and that dog pounced upon me, I was barely stopping its mouth by that stick but I could feel his claws tearing up my skin. I felt no pain because at that moment I felt like I would die now and all I was focused on was to keep its mouth away from my face. Then after twenty minutes he whistled again and the dog stopped. I was bleeding from my belly, arms and thighs. And they all were laughing. For them it was like a sport. Then everyone else took their turns. At that moment I was thinking who is this guy? And what does all the training of those little kids mean. But after I washed up, he handed me a gun and said go hunt or you ll sleep hungry. Here you only get food that you hunt. We had a double barrel gun and twelve shots. We all were given guns and they all left. We walked for miles and miles but couldn't find anything. We were starving since yesterday and everyone felt like they should each flesh of their friends. Well two of us fell down and they were so hungry that we had to pick up the ants. Then seeing a scorpion was a treat for us. We first hit its sting tail with the stock of the gun and the same way we took three scorpions. That filthy tasting thing was like a food of choice at some store. We all devoured it and then it was night when we were done with it. We started hearing coyotes howling. At that time we felt like we were in a desert of the dead. All howling and owls hooting. But we all had to hunt or we could end up starving so we mustered up our courage and kept on moving like we had no choice. We traveled miles to the south from our camp site. As we were walking, we saw two mule deer,lying by the pond. We all felt chills in our bone and we took our shoes and walked slowly on our feet and sat behind a small log. We all put our guns on the log as we had no strength to hold it up. And aimed at them. As we all pulled the trigger everyone of us got hit by the recoil of the gun either on the face or on the shoulder and fell back. For two or three minutes we were all in that feeling of the jerk. Then I stood up and saw there was nothing. They ran away. We all felt like we are now sleeping empty bellies and had to walk back with no prize. As we were all caught up in the moment. Mateen heard a damp roar and said there is something. We all gazed but saw nothing under the moonlight. Then we got up and walked around but saw nothing. Then we heard the roar again, this time it felt like of pain. We followed that sound then a few feet away we saw a deer crawling. He got shot in his leg and other one ran away. We never felt the cries of an animal so joyful as we did that day. I ran and grabbed the gun and the most difficult part was to put this poor animal out of his misery . We all looked at each other and were asking whose gonna do it?. After minutes of argument, I held the gun, placed the barrel on the neck of the deer, turned my head away and pulled the trigger. All splashes of the blood flew like vapors and I got drenched in blood.As I opened my eyes, I saw that it's neck was blown off with that 12-gauge bullet shot. Head was like hanging by a thick thread with the shoulders. We all held the legs in turns and pulled it all the way to the camp. As we came back there was no look of surprise at their faces. Seeing kids in blood? That's not something new to them. They all started cheering and then they roasted us that meat of our kill.
Since then days passed, weeks were blown away. Everyday it was the same fighting dogs, hunting to eat. We felt like trained butchers.All ruthless and no sympathy.
Then on February 15, 1989 . The last of the Soviet troops departed Afghanistan, Because the Soviet Union failed in securing Afghanistan from the rebels for such a long period of time, the war is sometimes referred to as the Soviet Union's Vietnam War. The United States provided the Mujahideen with Stinger missiles.These enabled them to shoot down Soviet helicopters and were a major turning point in the war. As the war ended it was found that over 1 million Afghanis died from the war. Most of these were civilians, including our parents that were probably now chewed up by the Soviet dogs. We had no childhood. We were born to survive and adapt. Feelings? What are they? It was just a word to us. Around 5 million people fled the country of Afghanistan during the war. Most went to Pakistan or Iraq.
1998 , the era when Al-Qaeda operatives carried out the bombings of the U.S. embassies in Nairobi, Kenya, and Dar-es Salaam, Tanzania.
I spent my most life among the nomads. We were now in an area south of the Amu Darya in Afghanistan and west of the Indus River in Pakistan. There we all were living as we should. One day I saw a merchant that came from far away to us for trade. He brought the items I never saw, claiming that he has traveled to the west. He brought coins, books, pottery and all new stuff that I hadn't seen before. I took the coin and one of the book. I watched that coin all evening, thinking from where it had come from. Everyday and night whenever I got free I turned over the pages of the books that I didn't know how to read. One day Abdul Muti came to me and said. Son I have been watching you holding that book every night. What's so precious in it. I said I don't know but the place from where it came from must know all the wonderful things that we hadn't seen before and this book is the symbol that there is more in the world. After alot of explanations, Abdul Muti said What if you could go to the west too?
Would you learn their ways and techniques? Then come back to us and teach us the new things?
I said, I really want to, but I can't I have no money and no way of going there. He said tomorrow when the sun breaks the light come with me.
13th October 1998 ,the day that I call A turning point in my life. I went to Muti's camp. He gave me a bag and said these are the American dollars that I took from their bodies. I never get to use them but I assume you can use it in a better way. That was the moment I felt like I have dad in that man's form. Then he took me along with him to Chabahar Port. There he had a man. He told him that this is my son and I want him to learn, so take him to the west wherever he says. He then asked and I point on the book that to this state, from where it came. He said that's too far away I can't get you there but I can hide you in a container to the Port Miami from there you're on your own. So this was it. I got two big sacks, filled with food and another filled with water bottles. It was a long journey I know but as I hid myself in that container for the first time in my life I felt excitement and curiosity getting over my skin.
Chapter Seven
After weeks of floating inside that ship, hidden. I didn't see light for weeks. There was just a vague picture in my mind that Im going to do something bigger. I just held on to that thought everytime I felt I was suffocating inside that container. Then as the ship dropped anchor, I got my boost. I was like a wild animal trapped in a cage screaming let me out, I wanna see the world. But no one answered. I was like stuck on the docks of Miami for two days. Then someone came and opened the container. It was that guy. He gave me new clothes and said don't start an argument unless you know you can win it here. He told me Miami is known as the "Drug Capital of the World" due to ensuing turf wars between drug lords. Here peace is only in the hands of the drug lords. So if you get caught by Miami Metro Police you might live but when you got hands of drug lords. You won't see the next day. Miami weathered social problems related to drug wars, immigration from Haiti and Latin Americans.
I changed my clothes and picked up my bags and went out. The sunlight. It was killing me because I hadn't felt it like for weeks. Then with a grim look at my face I kept on walking.
It was taking too much effort to walk. And as I kept on walking. There came a moment when I ran out of gas. I was thirsty and felt like my feet are sore. As I looked around. I never saw a city so mesmerizing. Paved roads. No soldiers. No bullet sounds. And everyone's walking and I was feeling like an invisible man between them. I wasn't hiding . I was just standing bravely in the middle of the road. As I was in that moment. I heard horn. There was a guy just behind mein honking and wanting me to step away from the road. At that moment I felt this is it. This is the new life. So I forgot the sores and kept on walking. Tall buildings. Shops and no dirt or broken homes or cries. It was all noise of the traffic to be honest but it felt like symphony to me compared to where I came from. I saw a place right infront of me. I peeked through the window out of curiosity and saw people happy. They were laughing and drinking and dancing. I was like what is going on over here. And I wanted a drink too. So I dragged my shoes into that place named Duffy's Tavern . I entered like an assassin. Two large bags and long hairs and rough thick beard. Everyone at once looked at me and kept on staring like I did some crime. Then I went to the bartender. His name was Miguel . He became my new friend. He asked me the choice of the drink and I didn't know what he was saying. He kept on saying, then shouted assuming that I was deaf. Then everyone turned their head towards me and he was like calming them down. After that he took me to the back of the tavern and asked again. I just moved my head randomly. Then he got the idea Im not from anywhere in the Florida state. He then tried hand movements. I didn't get them at all. Then he held my hand and took me inside, sat me on the table and gave me a scotch. And mimicked the act of drinking. And pointed me to follow. So I didn't know what am I doing so I just followed his lead. I opened the bottle as he did and took a sip. It was a something that tasted sweet. That guy was a road junkie that the shop owner took in and gave a job. He knew the looks of my face as if I was lost. He then laughed on the way I reacted to the taste. Then gestured me to stay put. I sat there for hours. Then in the evening he took off from his shift. And to be honest that was my luck or whatever,I don't know this guy turned out to be a sincere. He took me to his place. It was a shitty place but a house is your no matter what. Then all night he tried many hand movements to knock out any information about me but in vain.
29th December, 1998 . The next day he waked me up. Gave me a hair cut, a trim and then held my hand and took me out. He took me to to person but I don't know who he was at the moment. All I could see was him continously pointing at me and talking. I didn't know what to do. It turned out that guy was an English teacher and he was convincing him to teach me basics of the language. So this was it. A new place, new look and new language. For months my routine was just hide in his place and go out to that teacher.
April 24th,1999. The day when I became an English guy . I now knew their gestures, their language and their mentality. I was 19 years old by that time. On this day Miguel asked me to get a job because he couldn't support me further and asked me about my interest in many jobs he showed. I picked the job of a butcher. He was first shocked then smiled and said Come on, I know a place where they keep people with interests like you. He took me to Xavier's Meats & Deli. A new little place where they chopped up the meat and served it. Xavier Rodriguez, a 53 years old guy was the owner at that time. He used to run that place along with his wife. His sons had abandoned him so it was just him, his crew and wife. Miguel explained him all the story and he gave me a smile and introduced me to his wife and crew. This was the place which I used call my new home and Xavier and his wife where like my foster parents now. I owe them everything because they gave me a home, a job and took me in. They lost their sons so this factor made the way for their affection in my favor. They treated me like their own boy. Xavier showed me the ways of butchering. He taught me everything a butcher should know and in about a month I was like a professional. Me and Xavier had each other's faith. He made me head of the staff. It was juts two other guys that used to come as a part time job. So basically it was just me and Xavier and his wife. It was small place but it felt like a home to me. I used to cut the meat and they used to take cash and cook. They used the spices I never heard or seen. And frankly, everyone came there not as a cheap side shop but for the taste. They used to call this place The Birthplace of Steak . I used to work all day and at night I just get out. I just walk and see the bright stars shining above me. I looked at the people and smiled. They might think of me as a fool but they don't know what I have been through and how am I now. If my parents were seeing me at that moment they would be proud of how strong I became. I made ni friends at that time. I was given no money by them. Just a place and food. That was enough for me because I was in love with the bright lights of the city and the noise of the people. I spent all my nights like a passenger exploring a new world and no matter how mang times he went down the same road he just couldn't get enough. Every night when I got back and went to sleep, the brightest colors of the streets filled my heads and million dreams crowded my head.
2002. The year which I call The Year of Hunger . I was doing same chores and following the same routine. One day a guy barely 19 or 20 years old came to the shop. He asked for one pound of meat and I saw him smoking bong. It was something new and I didn't know what was it so I just couldn't control myself and asked him What that thing is? . He told me its called A Bong. A filtration device generally used for smoking cannabis, tobacco, or other herbal substances. He told me it's the best way to get euphoria and forget all worries. And I asked him to get me one and he laughed saying. Dude, you'll get caught and whooped by the Miami Metro Police. It's illegal. I said I don't care, just tell me how much does it cost. I want an ounce and he laughed like hell. I was thinking that Did I say something funny. He said mate one ounce is worth $247.38. I was like What? He said Yeah bro, You live in a city of drugs and those who sell it are in power. They own you, your shop, your police and everything. They'll cast you out like a leper if they needed to use this place for their gains. At that moment I got fantasized about that power he was talking about the drug lords. Out of my fantasy, I asked him who's the biggest lord here. He said "Griselda Blanco Restrepo" . I said "Who?"
He then explained that Giselda also known as La Madrina, the Black Widow, the Cocaine Godmother and the Queen of Narco-Trafficking, was a Colombian drug lord of the Medellín Cartel. He said she was responsible for up to 200 murders while transporting cocaine from Colombia to New York, Miami and Southern California.She murdered people at the drop of a hat. She would kill anybody who displeased her, because of a debt, because they screwed up on a shipment, or she didn’t like the way they looked at her. He said she started early, catching her first body at the age of 11, after shooting a 10-year-old boy that she kidnapped between the eyes in Colombia, after his family failed to pay the ransom demanded.
I asked how does she transport all that coke.
He said that woman is A devil in the form of a whore . He said in order to help her mules move across borders with product undetected, Blanco invented her own line of underwear with secret compartments to hide drugs in. She sold Drug Smuggling Lingerie.
After hearing all of this, I was like having mixed thoughts. I gave that guy meat he needed, for free for sharing his knowledge.
That night I didn't go out. I just laid and kept on thinking about drugs. Like how does it feel to have all that much power. To have people kneel for you and make them do anything they don't like. That night it was all dreams and that's the moment for which I disgrace myself the most.Because I felt hunger for something that I cannot wash off from my conscience.
Chapter Eight
The next morning it was all daydreaming. I was chopping up the meat but my mind was stuck on that drug merchandise and lust for power. But I had no money and I couldn't ask Xavier for it because they already did alot for me. So the first thing I had to do was to get some money to start this railroad of coke. So I was waiting for that junkie to come again. After two weeks he came by the shop and I was like all fired up on seeing him. I asked him that I want to be in that trade but I don't know anyone so you have to get me to a distributor so that I can get some money and start my own business. First he laughed then he was hesitant. He said there is one in 57th Ave, Miami. A guy named Alejandro González . I could take you there but you have to give me 10 percent of your sales. And that was it my first underground deal. He asked me to come out at 4pm after my time and wait by the street. So all the time I was filled with excitement like I was feeling this is the gateway to my new life. But I didn't know this was the glamorous failure of my life. So 3:45pm. I asked Xavier that my shoulder hurts and I want to go out and stretch my legs. He noded and said Ok to me. So I reached the corner street of 57th Ave . And was waiting for him to come. There were so many questions in my mind like is it a trap? Or am I doing wrong? But the thoughts of power were overwhelming me. So there was no turning back for me. Around 4:45 pm I saw a rusty Cadillac coming towards me. I took a deep breath and stared. There were two guys in that car. One was the road junkie and the other, I didn't know. The car stopped by me. The junkie opened the door and asked me to come on in. I looked around and then got in. He said that this guy is Alejandro's man, I told him about how miserable you're and desperate for a job so he decided to take you to him. And I noded because I didn't know what to answer. So we drove to the bad side of the town, NW 27th Avenue . As we reached there the junkie said to me. Do you know what place is this? This is place where you'll meet your savior. This is the place about which police reported multiple violent incidents including 23 robberies and 20 incidents of aggravated assault or battery in just two weeks. So we got out of the car but there was no one around just a street surrounded by houses. And I was like where are the gangs. When I was caught in that thoughts, Alejandro's cracked the window if the car. Held a $20 in his left hand by the glass as a signal but it looked like he was trout fishing in the middle of NW 27th Avenue. Now, have you ever been carjacked or home invasion robbed at gun point or tuned up by 5 guys at once so you really cannot rotate fast enough or run soon enough to do anything but take a beating, a bad one? These were the kind of vibes coming in my mind. For a moment my fears came true. I saw four people coming towards us. They came to us and said "Hey, do you want cold rock ice-cream? The tennis shoes are hanging by the power lines."
In the start I was confused like what the hell they're talking about. But then that guy replied "I rode the H train already"
Maybe that was a code wording but I didn't catch a hold of it. Then those guys asked us to follow them. While we were following him I asked that junkie what does it mean? The Message. The message they said, what does it mean?
He explained to me that cold rock ice-cream means Meth and tennis shoes means that the dealers and power lines means the stock. So it means the dealers are back in the stock. And the H train means Heroine amusement. H's for heroine.
Well these codes got me when he explained. We entered a house. It was normal house nothing so much fancy about it from the outside but when we got inside it was like the pub of coke. In one room there was approx more than $23,000, 90 grams of cocaine , a marijuana grow, Testosterone and Viagra pills and items used to make crack cocaine and people making them. In the other room were the spoiled addicts. The Thugs. They were just lying with the women and sniffing coke. The next room was the room where they measured and packed all the coke they made. Some people were lying unconscious in the hallway under the dose and some where just vomiting. It smelled like armpits there. Everyone was staring at us like fresh meat. It felt like a place for psychopaths hideout. I wanted to see more but at that moment they were continously pushing us so we couldn't see more and just went upstairs. The room we entered was really a dealer's room . It had a nice deer skin rug, and heads of wild animals like rhinos, lions, deer,moose etcetera mounted on the wall. It seemed likw this guy was a fan of taxidermy. And by the four corners were big buff guys standing holding guns and in the middle was our guy. He was siting on a rotating business class chair with a fine polished, crafted wood desk infront of him. And on the sides of them were packs of money, just lying on the floor. And on the table was old 1990s Bourbon bottle with a nice shinny glass and a vintage sawed off shot gun. This guy had a taste that I admired at that moment. As for himself? He had shinny waxy hair pushed back, big moustache, plain white shirt, dull red coat and a big cigar in his mouth. The junkie first ran towards him, he lifted his hand and he kissed it. I was thinking that this guy knows how to manipulate people. He then pointed towards me and I was called. He then asked me how much can you sell? I said I don't know, just give me your best stuff and I'll bring you the highest profit. Everyone in the room laughed and then he said. Kid you got guts. But look me in the eye. Do you think a guy like me will fall for your words. If you lost any of my stuff I'll slit your throat in the broad daylight and kill your foster parents by gun shots in their heads. I was like shocked that how he knew about them but I couldn't speak. Then he said I'll give you seven packets(7kg) of coke. I said make it ten. He was first smiling then he said I see the hunger in your eyes kid and trust me if you work with mind and your hunger you'll make me and yourself rich. Then he pointed his guy to bring the packets and gave them to me. As I was leaving with two briefcases he said to me " Kid, If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet."
I had no idea what he was talking about but I guess he wanted to say that watch your back.
As I got back, it was night and I had a problem. I had to hide these briefcases. So I first got the shovel digged up the hole and placed them their. Then I went to the without making a noise and thinking of the ways to sell it.
The next day, I got up and I looked at the wild boar at the back and an idea popped up in my mind. I went to Xavier and asked him that I want to stand on my feet. I want to open a small stall for meat right next to your place. I was like a son to him so he felt proud. He gave me money and said build one right next to the shop. I first went to the nearest hardware store and bought hammers, nails and all the stuff. Then I bought wood. Then I cut the wood, hammered it and nailed it. After 4 days I made a decent looking stall with a name Sadam's Meat Wagon. Then I borrowed four pigs and four sheep from Xavier. In the night, I first killed four pigs and then opened their gut with a cut not more than the length of two hands. I then threw all the meat and intestines in the garbage. I dug out the briefcases and hid packets inside them and then with a clipper closed the gut so that no one can look inside them. Then by the shade of the stall I hung them like a decoration because I wasn't going to sell them to anyone. So they were just hung for deceiving. So everything was set. I had my own private stall, my own stuff and I was independent. Now all I had to do was to find a way different then Alejandro's to get customers.
Chapter Nine
11th April 2003,I hid my stash in those piggies carcass for 2 months and they were now giving away a bad scent and it was affecting my stall and the shop of Xavier. I had to find a different way and quickly. I knew in this business you can't trust anyone even that riad junkie that got me my first dealer couldn't be trusted. I knew people need to buy this stuff . Those stinky kids in pajamas or a big guy in tux. Everyone that got a taste of it, he'll get it and ll do anything to get it. I know dealers don't care about anyone. I think they don't really last that long because when you're a drug dealer you have a face and you have a reputation. If you don't uphold that you either get bashed, killed, or stop dealing.At the end of the day, those dealers that the media say are everywhere, killing children, that's not true. Most dealers that I had met, and myself included, were just normal people. So I had to find someone that I can trust and no one knows about him.
12th April, 2003 . As I opened up my stall a kid came to me to buy some meat. When I packed the meat and gave that to the kid. The kid pulled out a wallet filled with alot of cash. In that moment, it came to me that if a kid can carry so much money without the fear of thugs because no one expects so many bills from him. So why can't a kid get me customers?
So I went to Xavier and asked him that I wanna be responsible in my life so Im going to adopt a kid. First him and his wife both laughed and then they find out that I was serious they said nothing just nodded. So I went to the nearest adoption center and picked a kid that no one could get suspicious of. He was five years old and was handicapped. He lost his legs due to lower limb nerve lesions. He was just perfect for my work. At that moment I didn't realize I was about to spoil an innocent kid. But greed for money and hunger for power took over me. So my conscience was overblown by them. I named that kid Jese Gonzalez . I bought a wheel chair and a pair of walkie-talkies. Then I trained that kid. I spent every night teaching that kid all the signals and rules. I plotted a bad image of this world in his mind and made myself as the only person he can count on. Well kids, what can we say. They follow the light, they follow the voice and the gestures. So it's not their fault that who they become it's just their parents work.
November 19th, 2003 . On that night I took one pig and opened it up. I took the two packets of 1kg each. One gram coke was worth 80 dollars that time. So I made small packets that looked like 2 grams but I put 1.5 gram in it. So that I can use 0.5 gram and can make side money from making a separate packet of 1 gram made by 0.5 grams of every 2 gram packet. To be honest, from the day one, I never wanted to be an honest distributor. I just needed money to start my own dealership so I had to be greedy and selfish. Alejandro's stuff was good so people wouldn't notice 0.5 gram less in every 2gram packet.
The next morning I went to the park near my stall. It was the first day of my little naughty business. I went there with that kid andwas looking for customers. It's easy to find people that want drugs. They'll stand like sloths holding five bucks in their hands and looking confused. So I went to first guy standing behind a bench. He looked like someone poured a bucket of sweat and a whole bottle of skunk scent on him. He definitely looked like my first prey. I came to him and whispered "Bro, do you want a new fuel for the H train, I heard this shit is the bomb ". That guy turned to and saw me holding a packet of 2 grams. He gave me 80 dollars without any questions, I gave him a packet of 1 gram as compliment so that he gets the feeling that Im reliable. For two weeks I went regularly in the morning with the kid and found customers there as usual lurking around. They now trusted me and called Mr. D because I didn't tell anyone my name. Then on 3rd week I went to that park and left that kid on the chair with a walkie-talkie. Whenever someone came to the kid. He already remembered their faces so he signaled them to stay away and wait. Then he would call me on the walkie-talkie and I would bring the packets. It was a safe and new way. No one could doubt that a kid is the talisman of a distributors. It was a fool proof plan and I was getting extra money from my extra packets too. For every two packets of 2 grams I got 40 dollars. And in a few weeks I sold all ten packets. It was raining dollars. To hide all the money I bought a barrel, hid all the money in it and buried it.
December 28th,2003. That road junkie came again to take his ten percent. I couldn't afford to give him his cut because I needed money to get my own empire. So I asked him to come to me in the night by the beach. I was thinking all day about how to get rid of him and I couldn't think of any way but to kill him. But how?
How to kill him without any trace?
So I went to the market bought plastic bags, sheets, knifes, daggers, a gallon of HCL and an empty barrel. So at 10pm in the night. I hid all the equipments in a shop that was clsed for many months. I placed sheets on the floor and then waited. The junkie came. I welcomed him warmly, kept on talking. I asked him about his family he said he had none. He came to Miami from New York. And between all the talk and walk, I took him under the bridge. I dropped a packet, as he bent to get it. I hit him hard on the back of his head with a brick. He was knocked unconscious. Then I dragged him to that shop, placed him on the sheet then cut him into pieces. I made pieces of the sizes that could fit in the barrel. So in this way I placed the pieces of a whole man in the barrel and filled it with HCL and clsed the lid. Then I removed the sheets and his clothes from the scene and burned them under the bridge. Then I rolled the barrel upto a nearest garbage tank and left it there by spraying water on it so that no finger prints are there left. Then I took my tools of murder and fled. That night as I went to the bed, I felt proud . Maybe because I was for the first time was in control or maybe I had chosen a wrong path and now was loving it.
So now my conscience was dead, feelings were torn apart, griefs, regrets and sorrows where shredded to tiny pieces and fed to a dog. I was a guy with no code now. A guy with nothing on his mind with power. A guy who knew money is the Mc-Mansion in Miami that starts falling apart after 10 years. Power is the old stone building that stands for centuries . And I became a guy that craved power. A guy who was trapped in a cage and now free, no one to tame him. At that moment I believed that there are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I had no patience for useless things. So I was a numb guy by now. The next day, I went to Alejandro and gave him his cut and kept mine hidden. He became happy with my guts and capabilities. He gave me 10 more packets. So now I was an official mule of Alejandro. I kept on stealing 0.5 grams from every packet got profit from sales and the pay from Alejandro. By 16th February, 2004, I had 2 barrels of money hidden just behind my stall in the ground. I had money but I couldn't spend it because it would raise doubts. So at that moment I felt this country is not the place where I should build my empire because I couldn't hurt Xavier and his wife. So I had to find another country and find a way to take the kid with me too. I never imagined from the miserable life that I led before, I can now look to a life of Power.
Chapter Ten
In my all my life, pain always found its way to the surface. No matter how deep I buried it. But I knew life's about taking chances, making moves, not about what I did, it's what I do.So I always tried to build on what I got and learned from what you lost and I never let people to distract me from being me. And this little drug merchandise dream that I had was that opportunity to show the world Im something. And I had the opportunity now to achieve so I wasn't gonna pass it on. So the country I picked was the country that destroyed me. Russia . They took away my family, friends, my home, my life and now it was time to infect them by my little packets of shit. But before I do that I needed to see how coke is made so that I could flee from Miami and go to Russia. So, The next day I went to Alejandro and said I can't work as a distributor because it makes my family vulnerable. But I wanna work for you so let me give a post in your manufacturing system. Well, convincing Alejandro wasn't difficult, he already knew my sales are high so he didn't hesitate and nodded.
So now my routine was to work as a butcher in the morning and at night, the job of Mr.D, the Coke Chef .
So the next day, I dressed like a normal guy, picked Jese with me and went there. There in the room. It was just one light and three rows of workers in a row. In one row, the leaves of a coca plant were processed by acid extraction. And in the second row, the leaves were picked and are processed into a paste. And in the third row, it was the most tricky part. There the paste is then purified to produce coca base, which is then transformed into cocaine hydrochloride. Well making the coke was easy but making it in the pure taste was difficult because the customers won't pay for a dirty product so I had to bring a chemist too with me. And there was one in the coke lab. Marko Antonio . Marko was a dropped out as a school teacher. He used to teach organic chemistry and was a guy that loved change. His school pay couldn't afford his expenses so he came here to earn his fortune. Well being a guy with aims and no feelings has its perks. You focus on the things people don't see. So I started talking to him, work with him and later after every shift we used to go to a bar. Well weeks turned into months and after a few months I asked him that A good chemist like you should earn more. He shouldn't be in the back hiding in the storage. He should get equal share because it's his product, his work so why shouldn't. Well nothing convinces a man more deeply then a trickle of greed, given by correct words. And here words played their part. He agreed to come with me with a 40 percent share of the sales. Well I had my team all set, now I had to find a way to get out of here. You probably know where would I go? Yeah, I went to the docks. There was a shipment that was meant to be sent two days later. This was now or never opportunity so I first went to the sailor man and gave him a few bucks to hid us under the radar. So he agreed. All set and good to go.
7th june, 2004 . The day where I'll enter a new world. So I picked up the kid and left without telling Xavier because I had no excuse and Marko was already there. Ship was due to go to Big port Saint Petersburg .
So I was in the container but this time I wasn't alone. I had my team and a big aim. So we all hid in the container for weeks and then as we got out, we had no time to see the charms of the country because we were both hungry. So we both first took a cab and went to Novosibirsk . Because it was the third populous city and the best place for our head start because it had mountains of Siberia close to it. So we went to the real estate first and asked him that we would like to buy two houses without our original identity cards. He was first scared that what are these guys upto but money talks. I told him that we'll not only pay for the house but also give you a handsome tip. I told him that I'll make you an offer you can't resist. I told him that I'll give him 30k dollars. Marko looked at me in shock and asked Are you serious? I was like if I wasn't then I wouldn't be here risking all. So now the agent was happy with us, he made us papers of two houses but we went to the house in Siberian mountains first. Because this was the place where our product was to be made and it was in cold hills so it was more secure. So that night we all slept like babies because we all were so enthusiastic and jazzed up that we're onto something big, we just wanted the night to end.
The next day, it was all shopping. We had to find cocoa leaves. And we couldn't just go around asking for them so we had to find a secure way. Marko was born in La Paz , he ran from there because he didn't like his father that used to beat him. So I asked him that Bolivian coca leaves are best known for this and if they are coming from Bolivia then we don't have to worry about getting the stock from here too. He was so intrigued that he didn't deny. He asked his friend William Clark. He asked him to ship leaves from Bolivia to Big port Saint Petersburg in a container, hidden inside children toys. Me and Marko combined our money because we both needed to work together and went to the same agent. He was now corrupted and became our personal dog. So we asked him to get us a toy store in Novosibirsk for money laundering. We ordered three types of toys. One that were for decoration, one that were for sale. And one that were to be sold just inside the box as a bulk. We chose a toy store because we had Jese with us and a toy store looked innocent.
We divided our work, Marko made the stuff and to be honest he was the best production man at Alejandrao's place. So much that he made 99 percent pure coke and we knew this would blow the minds of the coke heads. So I weighed it and made a packet of 2 grams and made separate packets of 2 grams glucose for me. Now we had to find junkies to taste our product. We did all of this in our hide out at Siberian mountains. So basically we had two lives. One where we were in the mountains making coke and one in the other home, where we were the law abiding citizens who owned a toy shop in Novosibirsk. So we brought a box filled with thirty packet of coke to our home in Novosibirsk. Then bought 100 toys including soft toys for big packets and action figures for small ones. We hid all thrifty in the stuffed toys and left them at the store front as a decoration. Its human psyche that they think bad stuff is always hidden inside. So that's why they ignore even the most appealing stuff infront of them. So I left Marko for setting up the shop while I went to the park alone to find junkies. Now it was easy for me to spot the addicts. It was like, they had a scent that I would just pick up and find them. They had this typical red eyes dying for stuff and their nails rubbing their skin out of anxiety so yeah I was pretty good at it. As I entered a park,I gazed around. There was this guy wearing blue Hoodie sitting on the bench turning his heads and I knew he's the one so I went to him. I gave a gesture of hello then sat with him and talked. That guy was reply me so anxiously that I took a breath and asked do you want some? First he was shocked that how come an English guy say that to an unknown Russian. But he was overpowered by his desires and said show me some. So I gave him a packet and asked him to taste it here saying that you have never tasted anything like this before. Well first he got curious and then skeptical. So in order to remove his doubt, I pulled out the packet of glucose and took it all in pretending like it was coke. So that guy got intrigued and tasted it. This completely blowed his mind off. And he was like a loose canon forcing me to give more and I said I can't give you for free. I want 5226 Russian Ruble for 2 grams and to be honest that stuff deserved this high price. So that guy didn't think again and bought three packets. As that guy was feeling happy I got curiosity to know who's the drug lord here. So I asked him about it. He first was shocked and then replied. There's not one drug lord. Its Russian Mafia sometimes called as Bratva meaning Brotherhood. It is a collective of various organized crime elements originating in the former Soviet Union. From 1700 they are active and still they are the cause of every crime like human trafficking, racketeering, drug trafficking, extortion, murder, robbery, smuggling, arms trafficking, gambling, fencing, prostitution, pornography, money laundering, fraud, bank fraud, securities fraud, mail and wire fraud and financial crimes. They have their allies in 50 plus counties including American mafia, Macedonian, Romanian and Turkish mafia etc. They run the state of Russia.
I was thinking that how could they be the remnants of the Soviet. And if they are then they must have a leader. I asked that junkie who is he! They must have a leader. Give me a name. First he got scared as I was asking with rage but then he mumbled a name "Semion" I said Speak out loud. He then said Semion Yudkovich Mogilevich . He said he was born in Ukraine. And he is claimed to be Russian organized crime boss, believed by European and United States federal law enforcement agencies to be the "boss of bosses" of most Russian Mafia syndicates in the world. He's called The Brainy Don . No one can touch him. He has a "good relationship" with Vladimir Putin since the 1990s. Saying that the guy left. I was now shell-shocked. Because now I had to save my product from not only the Police but the Russian Mafia too. And then as I got back to Marko I told him everything. We both were silent for half hour and nothing came in our mind but the feeling of certain death. Our hands started to shake and sweat was overflowing our skin. Then after brain storming for many hours I came up with an idea. I said to Marko Im not going to die like another piece of shit that just did nothing and was buried like just another rat. We got into this shit and we knew worst things ll happen . So this is the time where we need to stop cussing and get to work. He then shouted at me how are we going to stop them? We can't stop our distributors from ratting us out when they get caught. We can't hide for ever. Then I smiled and said Bro, What if we can?
Chapter Eleven
12th May, 2005. The day I became a guy that I still hate. Marko was still unclear about my intentions. He feared something fishy but he wanted it to be something fishy. He was tainted with greed. Marko and I had different definitions of greed. He considered greed to be of money. And for me greed was of power. Well Power and Money when combined they can come up with deadly ideas that world fears. This is what happened in my case. On Tuesday, I picked up Marko, went to Novosibirsk and were looking for a car rental shop. Marko was still in the fix. He couldn't understand what was going on but he wasn't in a hurry to know. I just told him that the thing we're about to do requires illegal car and a doctor. That's all what he needed to know at that time. We couldn't get the car illegally by asking people for it. So I had done a little research through my customers on how to find it. They gave me a name BIRACS Car Rental . That guy wasn't easy to approach. You couldn't just go there and ask for a car. So I took my adopted kid Jese with ke and went to that guy's shop. We just sat there and the employees were coming again and again asking for what kind of car we wanted. All I showed him was an American Dollar bill and said nothing. They found it strange everytime. Well this happened for two or three times. Till the owner got my attention. He kept on stalking me from his office and I was pretending like there's no one around. So in the night, past 10 pm. When the shop was closed and the employees were going, he came to me and asked me what's my problem. I said I need a car. Not like any other car. A car that I can drive and no one knows who's in it or who owns it. Period. He kept on saying that we have no such car. And I kept on repeating the same sentence. This kept on going for half an hour till everyone was gone. He then came to me and said Okay now I know what you want. Come with me. He took me at the back and grabbed me by my collar and started to threaten me and I was like keeping my cool and saying nothing but repeating the same sentence. And showed the One dollar bill. He then came to know that I was in some deep crap that I need him to help with. He then asked okay if you're in some illegal business I suggest you try a new way. I asked what's that? He said use the Ambulance. Because whatever crap your dealing with no one would give a heck to an ambulance. Well that guy's idea hit me like a rock and I was caught in it from the start. But he demanded a high price. 40k American dollars for illegally registered ambulance. I knew that was a high piece but I had my hands tied with Semin and police on both sides of me. So I paid him without bargaining and we swapped no names. Just face looks. Then I came back to Marko and told him the whole story. He was the guy that supported me in my chores and wasn't troubled by the high price I paid for the ambulance. Because he knew there's a catch. There is always a catch in everything we do. Now things were getting on the track and the next thing we needed was a doctor. A doctor willing to do the dirty job. A doctor specialist in Forensics. That was a risky task because he could rat us out. But I knew someone who could help us in this fix. So I went back to the car rental guy. I sat there with a dollar bill in my hand and said nothing. Then at night, when everyone went out he met me with a smile and said you want another. I said nope. This time I need a doctor. He was first stunned. Then got a hold on himself and said what for? I said for the job that I waned ambulance for. He kept on thinking and then with a swift smile he gave me a name Leonid Botkin . He told me that guy has a low pay so he does side business. Like you know what am I talking about. You can call him Dr.Frankestein. He's a careful guy. Like he keeps everything in order. And the one that breaks this or doesn't pay his dues he kills them without giving them a second chance. And no one can do anything about it because he's in Forensics of Militsiya. I asked him what's Militsiya? He then took an evil smile and said. Militsiya. It is the name of the police forces in the Soviet Union and several Warsaw Pact countries, as well as in the non-aligned SFR Yugoslavia, and the term is commonly used still and even in some of the individual former Soviet republics such as Belarus, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan and some unrecognized ones too. Leonid is one of their guys that removes traces. You can find him by Jean-Jacques Cafe and Wine Bar. But be careful he is a tough guy who wouldn't give his loyalty easily. Well hearing all that I knew I need to keep my confidence up infront of him. So I went to the bar. I was just sitting and waiting. Now the difficult task was spotting that guy. I stood there and kept on observing everyone. Well there was a guy sitting alone and smoking. I couldn't just go to him and ask him. He could be anyone. So I started to pick up his gestures. I then called the waitress and asked her to take a glass of scotch to that guy. Well at the bottom of the glass I sticked a paper with "Soviet" written on it.
This made that guy turn his heads. And I said in my mind its showtime. I slowly waved at that guy and he offered me a glass by gesture. So I went to him. And as I stood by him. He was like staring me with an angry face. We both sat quietly for sometime and then he asked What do you want? And I said
"My relationship with my cat has saved me from women"
Well that guy took it as stupidity, stood up and punched on me. He kept on hitting me with the punches till the bouncer picked both of us and threw us in the alley. This is what I wanted, some privacy. Well then I said instantly. You're Leonid. I came for a job. And I know you do things foe pride. There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. 'Good pride' represents our dignity and self-respect. 'Bad pride' is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance. You're the latter one. And how much pleasure will you get if you cut people and get paid? Leonid well was silenced upon hearing all that. That moment I realized that I have this guy in my pocket. I said 10k American dollars for one body. Well this was the offer he couldn't refuse and I can look into his eyes and see that he's okay with that.
7th November, 2005. I went to the bar again and took Leonid with me in the ambulance. Marko was driving at thw moment and I already told Leonid about our dark chores. This was the thing that made me A Neat Monster. That knew how to cover his tracks and yet hurt the community. I asked Maro to drive towards a dark alley and wait. There we just stopped and waited. I said to Marko whatever you hear you won't come out. Well a few moments later a guy passed by us. He was just a normal guy of 25 to 28 years of age. A guy having bad luck and devil lingering in the ambulance for him. As he walked by the ambulance, I ran with a cloth dipped in chloroform and put it on his face from the back till he got unconscious. Then I dragged him and threw him into the ambulance. Then I asked Marko to drive to other house in the hills. We reached that house and there we had everything ready. We put that poor thing on the table and then tied all his limbs. Then I signaled Leonid. He brought a knife and some dressings. He cut off his tongue and then filled his mouth with the dressings. When that guy woke up, he felt pain like thousand needles pricking his face. But all we could do was give him analgesics. Then the next day we picked another and did the same to him. We had now ten mutes created by us. Then I said to Marko this is what I meant by What if we can. How can one rat when they can't speak. When they haven't seen our hideout and when they are normal guys that don't even know the gestures of a mute. Now everything was ready. We had mute employees. Corrupt doctor of forensics to let us know what's going on in the state forensics. A transport vehicle which no one can get doubt of. And a chemist that can make purest coke than The Brotherhood. This was my new family. I knew now I can lure my customers without anyone knowing about us.
Chapter Twelve
I made my pawns but I couldn't just send them out. Because even if they don't know the mute gestures still one of them might back fire and I couldn't afford to lose my identity. So I went to the club again and met Leonid. He was now like a part of our organization. He welcomed me with a smile and then we shared a couple of drinks. Then I said " They say for those who are climbing to the top of the food chain, there can be no mercy. There is but one rule: hunt or be hunted. And we are now going to be hunted and we can't afford a leak. I heard there was a guy in America that made GPS called Ivan . And I know Militsiya have a guy that makes such thing. Andre Petrov. Can you get some of that for us? Because power is like location, location, location. The closer we get the more value it gets and more mouths come hunting us. So we should take a measure. " Well Leonid was caught off guard and smashed me with words. That weren't polite. But he meant Im a bipolar maniac. First I asked him to cut off some tongues and now asking him to steal. And I know the prices for Leonid might increase so I was already prepared to give up all of my money for a bigger picture. Well Leonid couldn't disagree atleast no matter what his blabberings are. So I gave him a wink and said get me those tiny things and I'll give you your price. It took almost a week but Leonid was a guy that loves to follow tasks for money. Well he brought ten of those to our hide out in the mountains. Now the next step was pure evil. May God have mercy on the mutes that I made. I asked Leonid to cut up their thighs from the inside and put these bugs in. Well Leonid was kinda stunned but then he smiled and came to know what I was thinking. Marko was out with Jese and I told him not to come back tonight. So it starts with a warm knife placed in a fire place for hours and ended with slow deep cuts like your body has been cut into thousand pieces to get your soul out and then your pieces are left for the dogs to be eaten. Well he cut their thighs with deep cuts and then I placed the bug in their thighs between the muscles. Like you couldn't even just take it out with fingers. So Leonid was enjoying it so those mutes weren't knocked out by the gas and their screams made that guy feel alive. His smile while cutting them was something that I never forget . It was such an unexpected and genuine smile that if I only had a soul at that time I'm sure I would have felt quite guilty. But hey, Im a numb guy by now and nothing pleases me more than the sight in my mind where I own people. So I played along with Leonid. He stitched their thighs with copper wire dipped in acid and looked them in their eyes when he pierced their skins and stitched them. Those mutes were now ready to get out and sell. And if anyone thought of ticking their tracker off. We knew their families already and what more can a man offer to save his family than his life. So they had to work. They had to cry. They had to walk on their feet and come back to me on their knees because now I owned them.
The next day, we set up a surveillance room for those trackers in our hideout. And the one I trusted the most was Jese. The kid that I trained and fed. So Jese was sixteen by then and he knew the only thing that this universe had to offer comes from me. So I was like his mother. He watched over those mutes from that room all the time.
3rd January, 2006. We took all the mutes and stuff in our ambulance and went to our toy store. There we stuffed cartons for bulk sale of toys with coke and toys for individual sales with mini packets of coke. And at the store front were the toys stuffed with sample drugs. This place was our workshop. I spent all of money and Marko's money in preparation for this and now we were desperate for some profits. So those mutes were sent out with packets and they had to come back by 7pm or we threatened them to raid their families. Every mute brought a profit of 78,390 Russian Rubles for fifteen packets of two grams of coke and ten mutes gave us 783,900 Russian Rubles. Our product was 99 percent pure, so it completely got the nerves of the customers. People wanted more and more. No one knew our identities and no mute could rat us out too. So Militsiya and Bratva quickly got smell of our crop. And they didn't want another dealer. They waned just the only dealers that they killed. Even Achilles was only strong as his heel but here Bratva were only strong as long as they stay on the top. So manhunt was on. They were hunting the guys who made the products. They were killing those that smoked or sniffed our coke. Gang war was on. Oh, don’t pity it. You’ve loved reading it. You don’t actually need me to do anything. You just need me to tell you something you never heard of . To be the strong man, the man you pitied in the slums of Afghanistan. The man of action . The man who's willing to do whatever it takes to be from nothing to the one you dream of. You can stop reading if it's making you hate me. You could wake up tomorrow and I don’t know, feed the children. But I started a war and now I get to control it.
Bratva were killing my customers and my mutes. And we took no step back for every mute that didn't returned, we made two more. Besides mute now we made mutes that could use a gun. Snipers, assault rifles, hand guns, grenades, machine guns, SMGs name it. Everything was in our hide out. We were knee deep in money and guns and Bratva couldn't even get a single word from the mutes. Any guy that once held a weapon in Russia, tell us. The next day he would end up being mute and hold guns for us. We were killing their killers that killed our mutes and they were just killing out mutes just for picking up craps. Novosibirsk was piling up with gun shells and bodies. And police were just stuck in the middle because they had their hands tied because they were dipped into this mass murders too.
17th November, 2006. Zavist La Rocca Strip Club. We decided to party that night for our aims and determination. As I entered the club, a number of dealers and Bratva members were there. Semion Yudkovich was sitting there on the couch above the stairs with a bunch of half naked warm blooded girls that were fondling him for money. I walked by him and he didn't have a clue that the guy that was ruining his business. The guy that had whole Bratva looking for him just walked by him. Everyone in that club wanted to kill us but no one knew who we are. So we spent the whole night with our archenemies. We were all sharing laughs but I had my eyes on the girl sitting next to Semion. She was like his pet. He never touched her there, just kept her as a symbol of beauty while strippers were handling his bodily desires. I could see in that girl eyes the desperate look and behind her fake laugh was a woman waiting for someone to be heroic and save her from that Brainy Don. I asked Leonid about that girl. He said she's Natalia Zakharova . She was a striper and a hooker in this club. You know boss, Russia are the main sources of white women who are willing to sell their beauty for money. Imagine hundreds of thousands of good looking women living in a crappy place with no money, no work, with poor education and poor medicine. They are not always doing this by their own free will. There is a significant amount of human trafficking going on. Later guys like these get them for show off and when they lose their beauty by their age, they just feed them to their peasants. She's now the highest paid stripper and the only stripper that satisfies that guy at home.
After hearing all this, I don't know what got into me. She was wearing a mask. A mask that tells the world that she's the happiest woman in the world but deep down her true beauty was never appreciated. She had eyes colored like blue sea and curls of her hair fell like you never saw something more beautiful made by the Creator. He eyelashes covered her eyes like they were being selfish of sharing its view to the world. And her cheeks had a dimple puffed with a light pink brush and soaked in milk to make them appear so soft that one might feel scared of touching them because it'll leave a mark. And her smile was a therapy that I needed. Even if it was fake. After seeing her, for the first time I could remember, I felt weak, guilty and stupid— like a human-being. Like a very small and helpless human-being. I don't know whatever magic that woman had hidden in her sleeves, I wanted that and I knew I couldn't kill Semion so I had to steal her from him. I told Marko and Leonid about my plan. Well Marko was against it, he kind of started yelling at me about all the dangers and you know the scared stuff that's supposed to make you scared but Leonid couldn't stop laughing. He was ready already.
So we made a plan that night. Marko was out waiting in the ambulance in the alley. While me and Leonid were there in the club. Now my job was to start altruism. So first I sat on the sofa right on the opposite side of hers in the club. And I kept on staring her. Well she ignored me for once or maybe twice. But then she got the hint. But I had to be sure. So I asked for the waiter and told him by pointing towards her when she was staring to take this drink to her. Well she took the glass from the waiter and gave me a smile that made me realize Im the chosen one. Then I stood up and went out after leaving a smile on my face. Well she made some excuse and left that guy to meet me at the back. We remained silent for a while but then I made some pretty stupid choices of words that a woman might feel angry from. I said "I see what you're doing , hiding behind the mask that Semion forced you to wear. You were never made for this. I know this world made us the way what people call Damaged. But you don't have to be like this. I knew the second I saw you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasn’t something about you at all. It was just you. You’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart. All my life I never felt a feeling of comfort or love. For me love was just a way of looking out for ourselves when we don't want to live alone. So I stepped into the vaccum and teared of the box in my head that controls feelings. I won't give you forever because that I don't know myself but one thing I know is that you'll never get better moments with others than those you'll get with me. "
Those words were blunt, I admit that but these were the only words that made that woman feel alive and she nodded without even saying a word. So I signaled Leonid. He drugged the glass of Semion and asked the waiter to take it to him by giving him a handsome tip. That glass made him go to sleep, for a short time. Then Leonid ran towards the ambulance. And I held that woman's hand and we all went to our hide out in that ambulance without leaving a trace. It was something filled with adrenaline but it was the thing that made circumstances worse .
Chapter Thirteen
The next day, I woke up with the girl that I considered the crutch of my life. I loved that woman's hair, the way they smelt and the way the look. I couldn't define it but just say that it was mesmerizing. I never got comfort before but that morning it was calm. Nothing else wandered in my mind. I am a drug lord? I am a monster? Who am I? At that moment I was just a guy cherishing the beauty that lures me. I just kept on staring her as she was sleeping. With that moment of comfort, a name ran into my mind. Abdul Muti. My foster Dad . The guy who took me in, who gave me a home when no one was ready to take me in. The guy who taught me how to get food when no one was ready to feed me. I forgot about that guy. I couldn't wait to tell him what I am now. How the country that first ruined us is now rolling on the tip of shoes. I couldn't wait now to show that guy what I achieved. So I took Natalia and Marko with me and headed to the port. Then we went to the place that once was my home. All the way I couldn't stop thinking of my fellows with whom I roamed the streets under attacks of Soviet. I was confident that they would now feel proud about what Im doing to that country. I bought tons of presents and new stuff for them and hand sewed dress of premium quality for Abdul Muti. The most expensive one that I could get. As I reached my home, first of all no one recognized me to be honest. They took us as well dressed merchants with a fine lady. I entered the tribe and shouted Abdul Muti. It brought many ears to my attention. Everyone was just staring us as I shouted that name again and again. Then Abdul Muti came out with a gun in his hand and beside him were my mates. They were all ready to shoot us but as I said Im Sadam they were all like half dead. My friends ran towards me and hugged. God knows that was the moment that made me numb out of happiness. Then Abdul Muti hugged me with a smile and said everyone believed you're dead but I knew. I knew that you would come. Because in you I saw a guy that was desperate to grow.
The tribe killed lambs and lit fireplaces. The whole tribe was celebrating my return as if I was a saint. At night we shared laughs and I told them about different stuff that I brought for them as presents. They were all so happy. I forgot the smiling faces of my friends because we always saw each other either scared or crying but now we were all together and happy.
Me, my friends, Marko and Abdul Muti were sitting by the fire. While Natalia was with the women of the tribe. Then Abdul Muti asked me about what do I do there. Well I wanted to tell him how I was crushing our enemies. I didn't know where to start. So I started from the climax. I said Im making a country miserable and earning money from it. Abdul Muti didn't understand at first so I threw the details. I told him how I make drugs, how I made mutes, how people of Russia wanna know me but they don't have a clue. I told him the riches I had. The army of mutes with guns. I told him how on my signal anyone can be killed.
As I spoke all of it, I stood up and opened my arms and said I deserve a pat now. Because Im taking revenge and bringing riches.
Well no one spoke a single word not even stood to pat my back. So I sat down. We all remained silent for a while. Then Muti stood up and said You hurt people and earn money. You bring pain to the innocent for your sales?
I said not innocent, the people of that country that brought pain to us. Muti then slapped me hard and kept on beating me. He was abusing me and it was a total chaos. The chaos I didn't expect. He kept on shouting Murderer Murderer . We taught you everything and that's how you repay us. Now you represent us as killers, dealers. Not only us but our religion too. All the time in the war, the people died here. They died here because they were honest and had no blood on their hands. But you? You not only ruined our name but also the people of this country too. Now they have a reason to think of us as terrorists, when we were trying so hard to remove the tag. Get the hell out of this country and never return. You don't know me. If I saw you here by tomorrow noon. I'll kill you you and your friends too. Saying this he spit on me and went. I was all in mud and out of breath. As I looked in the eyes of my friends, I saw disappointment . Normal people would feel guilty at that moment. They'll think of killing themselves but I felt nothing. Because I believed that they didn't know the bigger picture. They just are in a box filled with superstitions. So the look of my friends didn't move me a bit. All the sorrows and guilts in the world couldn't not help me find something that didn't exist at that moment. The Feeling. The Conscience. I was truly a monster, I realized it at that moment. Well, I was starting to think I'm no longer the same man who was born here. I walked in the tribe in the morning as head held high, chest out, long stomping strides. The walk of a self-satisfied King . But the next day, I went back with Natalia and Marko as a guy who just lost everything. Gif gave everything again with Muti. Everything what every man could ever dream of. Love, respect, and family. But that wasn't enough for me, was it? And now Im left with a so much money that I couldn't count.
So I left my home. And went back to Russia. The birthplace of My inner drug lord.
In Novosibirsk, Semion became a wild boar. Hungry for the flesh of his enemy. Me. I took his business, I took his woman and now he wanted me dead and rotting. So I couldn't risk Natalia in my war. So I sent her to Hong Kong because that was out of reach of Semion and I could easily visit her whenever I wanted.
Now it was time to expand our business without any mercy. So we started hiring people that owned private planes. I built another underground hideout next to my old. There I kept every pilot's planes. We didn't make any pilot mute but implanted bugs in their thighs. Now Jese wasn't alone in surveillance room. I added two more to monitor so many people in our staff. And Jese had every right to shoot anyone of them if they were misleading. We had four planes and every plane had to carry ten kilos of coke. Meanwhile Marko hired more people in his manufacturing department. We were now all waiting for Leonid to get us maps for surveillance free air routes. So that we could send our drugs to Brazil and Mexico. Leonid was my precious asset and I paid him every price he made. I trusted Jese with the location of Natalia and the surveillance because he was like my son by then. Everything was set. And we were all waiting for Leonid.
3rd March 2007, it was the day when we first sent our planes out for sales. By the end of the month I hired two more pilots. We were now like a cult. People that are part of us, couldn't rat out on us. And those that wanted us couldn't find us.
Every night, I slept with hookers and drank till I was unconscious. I was a Lord so I had to live like one. I had money buried in containers under the hills of Siberia. I had money laundered by toy store, a restaurant and a car wash.
But that wasn't enough. I was addicted to blood. Because I became a lord, I rarely got the chance to kill. So I got chills in my bones that even hookers couldn't handle. I had to kill. I wanted to work. So I made a squad of ten mutes and set out to kill every night.
I just killed those people that killed my mutes. So we captured them, took them to the darkest corner of the street. There we made him naked, then I used to tie them by a car and dragged them naked on the road and got pleasure at nights when everyone sleeps. Then after that I took a sharp knife and made cuts to every limb and throat till they bleeded. Then I dragged them again. This gave me pleasure more than the flesh of the hookers.
I was playing God but hey you can’t play God without being acquainted with the devil, no? So call me a devil or God. I was living. So when that bleeding guy was about to die, I used to say you have toiled in God's service long enough. So I killed Him for you . And if you want to live , you won't be looking for His favor. You'll need mine. And after saying that I put a bullet in his head. Later my mutes handled the body.
So every night my thirst to kill increased more and more. You ever heard of Seven Deadly Sins? Those that Christians believe are unforgivable. The sins of pride, covetousness, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. I was all in them. It was all over my skin.
Now I brought myself in a war that I knew I couldn't win. I had a few mutes but Semion had whole country. I couldn't beat him so my aim was now to hit him hard enough that even if I lose he gets jerks from my name. So I called a meeting. Marko and Leonid we all were there. And we all were brain storming the ideas. But none was effective one. Then all of a sudden Marko came up with an idea. He said what is it that every leader hates? Losing his men. And there are hundreds of his thugs living in apartments owned by Semion. If we strike them then we strike Semion at the place where it hurts. But how to do it? That's what we need to improvise.
Then Leonid jumped up and said. Let's improvise. Let's do what Trojan's did. What is it that every tough man can't resist but it gets him killed? Use that and we get rid of as many men as we want. We'll this made me and Marko smile. We both looked at each other and knew what it is that men can't resist.
Chapter Fourteen
5th April, 2007. We found two buildings were some of the Semion's thugs were living. They were total 120 collectively. So then we spread the word among hookers all around. That they'll be paid for their service and with a bonus of 2k American dollars for every man they kill in the service. At first we got only a handful but then we raised the bonus to 5k we got 120 hookers. One for each. And every hooker was told they'll carry out this duty and will be paid. If they get killed in the job, their families will be paid double. No guns were allowed. Only blades or poison pills. So the night where Semion got a blow.
The night came. Me and Leonid, put a chair in the center of the road at midnight while my men blocked the road. Then carriages loaded with deadly hooker came. And every hooker had a night now where they can kill their customers. Where they can bring out their hate for their work. Every hooker was calm. None of them was nervous it was like everyone of them wanted this. Then Marko broke the lock of the two building and every hooker then entered both buildings. I can see every light of the apartment was now turned on meaning that the hookers had entered. Now I was waiting for the lights to turn off. After one hour first light turned off on the second floor. Then one after another, light kept on turning off. Leonid started to smile, he was enjoying it. That's why I liked him, I think. Another guy pretending to be human, just like me. But now? He was living. So now the hookers did their job and everyone of them was laughing, like they were enjoying it. And I was feeling like a Killing Machine. Now as the kills were done. It was time for the looters party to get in and grab everything that's of value. 200 looters in groups of five entered every apartment and started to loot. The purpose of loot? Well I didn't want money. It was for my men. I told them whatever they loot its theirs. So by 4am we were done and my men drove the carriages loaded with hookers away from the scene. They drove the carriages to the darkest places and killed every hooker. What? Now you feel bad? We both know something the rest of the world refuses to acknowledge. There is no justice, only conquest. And everyone of these hookers could be a dangerous liability. Well if a man is not smart enough to be able to use whatever is in front of him and still make it work...well, then...that’s just a failure of the imagination. Everyone of them was killed. And their bodies were piled up outside the city and then burned to ashes. It was a mass murder that no one ever expected. I was dealing with life and death like it was just easy as flipping the coin. Then I entered the buildings with Leonid and was checking every apartment to make sure that everyone's dead. And to my surprise the hookers did well. They didn't just merely stabbed them. Some had no eyes. A few got their limbs severed. Some got decapitated. A few were hanging naked with blood dripping from their skin. It was like they brought their anger to them. As I was checking out every room. I entered a room where two were killed. I got surprised like who's the second one. I went close to him and pulled his wallet out of his jeans. He was Adrien. One the Semion's guy. He controlled east wing transport of the city. There was a map on the table. I guess they both were discussing routes when they got interrupted. And now I got a map where it was pointed out the pick up spots of Semion's trade. Well now I had something new. A new way to bring another blow to my enemy. You know, they say the most vulnerable part of the human body, is the throat and that you never really know how you feel about somebody, until they have their hands around your throat. So I wanted to know how does Semion feel now?
These were not just spots. They showed how much heroin people use in which areas. And that's when Heroin got blamed for bringing AIDS in Novosibirsk. How did the people find out about it? A guy name Philip was found dead. His corpse had wounds that were being eaten up by maggots. He had wounds all over his body, needle marks and was living along the garbage cans. Later on the north side same case was seen. It was spreading like fire. But we the drug dealers had no problem with that. We only cared about thw money and the people that depend on us. The people don’t know what’s for them. I do. I know exactly what they need. They’re like little children. Children I never had and never will. I have to hold their sticky fingers and wipe their filthy mouths. Teach them wrong for my vice. Tell them what to think and how to feel and what to want. They even needed help crafting their worst fears into euphoria. Lucky for them, they had me. For me there are no heroes, no villains. Just people with different agendas. And mine was now to sabotage those points of Semion.
So I brought my men to those points. They were all hidden and waiting. Policemen at those points were paid off and those who couldn't be bought were threatened. My men planted C4 bombs at those points. And trigger men were hidden. They were hidden with a gun at their head. Because they were to be killed after they pressed it. Well a major advantage of C4 is that it can easily be moulded into any desired shape to change the direction of the resulting explosion. So I had a gift now for big guy.
So they were planted and when the trucks loaded with Semion's products came. We first shot down all the men, then looted the products. To remove the traces we triggered C4. It was foolproof. We left no sign and we looted fourteen trucks. We could see now that city had change. It was stinking with Semion's anger and my unknown identity advantage. And police? Well they were just standing. No one lays a hand on me now. No one abuses me in any way. I have been trying to figure it out and I have come to the conclusion that, if in the beginning I had been treated as I am now, then there wouldn't have been quite so many people that have been robbed and killed. I cried, I begged and pleaded for mercy, pity, and sympathy, but nothing I could say or do could sway them from their purpose. I left that box a sadder, sicker, but wiser boy. A boy hungry for his time. And now I had that time.They stripped me naked and chained me up to a door, and then turned the fire hose on me until now I got black and blue and half blind.
Semion was desperate to get his hands around my neck. The main problem for Semion was my identity. And he knew it. I had to praise that guy for a new way he found. Instead of fighting me. He put up the posters asking for my identity. Anyone who could rat me out would be paid so much money that he had never seen. What brings destruction to every man? Greed. I've been notorious all over the world as a drug lord with no identity and I've seen everything but hell and I guess I'll see that soon. Because I never realized how greed can do unexpected things. The things you think are under control.
Chapter Fifteen
8th June, 2007. I became the most cold-hearted person you’ll ever meet. It isn't as dark as it sounds. Killing someone is bad I know but it can be a funny experience. It opened new doors for me. Doors that were named as hesitation or fear. Those were meant to be closed but when you get into this world, you grab on to everything you have. News of my identity reached my mutes too. And now I wasn't even sure who would rat me out. I was thinking that they all fear me and they know if they did rat on me, what would I do to them. I robbed them, and I killed them as cold as ice, and I would do it again, and I know I would kill another person because I’ve hated humans for a long time because of what they did to me. They took everything and now expect from me to behave like nothing ever happened. Maybe Im wrong. Maybe Im in some trance driven by narcissism. But one thing I know is that I don't need a silver lining. It was now time to lay low and watch my men. I had a close eye now on everyone. One that got late or out of the line was killed. There were no excuses. If you're late you're on my hit list. I halted my air supply of drugs. But I needed my drug trade here in Novosibirsk because I needed money for my chores. So I tried a new way. I now hired women. Specifically air hostesses. And everyone of them was asked to wear heels designed by us. We created a cocaine paste, then skillfully pressed and molded it into imitations of most trendy branded shoes. Then they were given to hostesses to be worn on flights to different locations. The street value of them was around $75,000 per pair. But that wasn't enough. I needed more money to get guns and armory to fight against Semion. So the idea of mutes trading was called off. Mutes were made passengers of airlines. They were given tickets to the destined locations. I used the idea of fabrics for my cocaine transport. Luggage of each passenger contained 55 kilograms of cocaine soaked into their clothes. Apparently cocaine hydrochloride poured onto fabric can account for around 14% of its total weight, and keep about 89% of its purity. I got this idea from Marko who said that drug traffickers in Madrid used this method to transport drugs. I became a guy who could do anything for my drug trade because that gave me power over my enemies. And what more one can think of then using religion for my trade. In our toy store, we started making statues of Jesus Christ, complete with flowing hair and a golden cape, with as much as six pounds of cocaine mixed into the plaster,worth about $30,000 on the streets. Just when you think, Im brainstorming ideas and its done. You wouldn't see this coming. We started making big boxes containing rugs. I took stolen drugs from looted Semion's trucks. We literally managed to create little malleable ‘tunnel containers’ for heroin that look like rope, then wove them into the fabric of gorgeous, completely inconspicuous carpets of commercial quality. 46 of these hand-made knotted carpets were in one particular shipments, containing around 50 kilograms of heroin hidden in them. It turns out when you are in this business sky is the limit. Im not a guy that was limited to clothings and rugs. I believed in technology too. So, the new high-tech trend that I adopted was mixing cocaine with molten plastic and turning it into a variety of mundane, inconspicuous hard-plastic products such as CD & DVD cases, car dashboards, dog-carrying cases, plastic buckets, and furniture upholstery. My business was booming again. Without any worries of the mutes now. Well I took every precaution I could think of at that time. Just when you think everything is going perfect, something always happen.
They say nothing lasts forever. And who can turn the table against your favor then the most trusted person. The one that knew your secrets and was supposed to be guardian of them. Jese.
Jese was trained by me. I took his childhood, pleasures and made him an order following rock. So no matter how tough a rock is it can be broken. This happened in the surveillance room. When one of the guy working under Jese asked him about his life. Jese told him how I toom him and what I did to him. Jese never felt comfort or warmth of a mother. So that guy used it as token. He told him about his childhood. How it was beautiful. How it involved the pleasures of a kid. The Ideal childhood. Jese got into his talks because no matter how tough you're, there's always something that breaks you and that guy used childhood memories. Everyday they talked on childhood rather than monitoring the people. That guy lured Jese in his trust. He became like his friend. We heard laughs coming out of that room but we ignored because we all trusted Jese. That guy knew about the incident of lost girl of Semion and his prize money on offering my identity. He asked Jese that did I took her and Jese ratted me out. I trusted him with everything and he was the only person in the world that I cared more than Natalia. So he told him everything. He even told that guy where Natalia lives in Hong Kong. I should've taken heed to the laughs but I was enjoying playing God so much that I never paid attention to it.
7th August, 2007 . I got a box at my door step wrapped like a present of my birthday. I opened it and there was a tape in it. So I just played that tape hoping it to be pleasant. But it was video of Semion's people raping Natalia. Later they put several bullet in her body. And then Semion said you can get her body out of my dogs shit after they eat her up. I got your woman and she got what she deserved for cheating, now Im coming for you.
You might be thinking I was scared of death at that moment. I've done it a million times, and I'm  great at it. So now it doesn't matter How many times have you died because of this feeling?
You're not looking for a story that tells you who I am. You already know who I am by now. You're here because you want a glimpse of who you couldn't be. So I am surprised that many people disregard the fact that the end for almost all drug dealers ends up being the cemetery or the jail cell, we never saw  any case where a drug dealer has "retired" or had an happy ending. I already knew that before I entered this business. So now I had to wait and see how Semion uses his cards.
Chapter Sixteen
Almost a week passed. Still no signs of Semion or his men. I was waiting for him to do something but it was all calm. Everynight I felt like tomorrow it's gonna be a war. And every day I looked around and saw nothing there but myself in this moment. I knew Semion was upto something big. But this was making me impatient. It wasn't a sign of weakness to tell what happened to me. I felt guilt no longer at that time , only regret. Regret of trusting others like Jese. The other emotions are coming around too. How much further do I need to go till I feel human again?
I knew that this was the end of my drug trade. But I decided if I had to go down then go down as your enemy gets tremors. I stopped all of my drug trade. I asked my men to bring all the cash, each penny of it to the hide out. I couldn't beat Semion but I had the advantage of being at the mountains covered with snow.
So first I adopted the idea of land mines. One of the most deadly legacies of the 20th century. For those of you who don't know, land mines are basically explosive devices that are designed to blow when triggered by pressure or a tripwire. These devices are typically found on or just below the surface of the ground. So just when someone walks over it, it blows off with an explosion. So I bought many of them and planted it on the way, deep in the snow. Just a cute little present for my friend. But hey that isn't enough. I ordered twelve of my men to wear the thickest clothes they can get and get close to the mountain top. Where they made large balls of snow. And then they had to pour petroleum on them, light fire and roll them down. So that when some of them escape mines they still don't get bored on their way to the hideout. Being in the dark gave me the opportunity to find my light and become even stronger. It’s where I found my strengths and traits that made me shine brighter than the rest. This wasn't enough. He killed Natalia so he had to pay. Inside the hide out every member of my crew except Leonid and Marko was ordered to hang themselves. Hang not kill themselves by bullets specifically. And those who didn't follow would be killed by a bullet and their families too. If they obey then their families would be payed in full. So everyone hanged themselves helplessly. Those who didn't were killed by bullets.
Me and Leonid then started gutting them hanged crew members. We made vertical incisions so that they can be stitched back together again. We gutted about 120 men. And Marko planted C4 in each one of them. Then we all stitched them to make it look like meat house rather than a suicide house. It was quite a view. Corpses hanging. Blood dripping from their skin,smell of flesh. It was like blood all over the floor. Heaps of intestines. It felt like a slaughterhouse. To be honest, far worst than that. It was a place where you would say people are called and said this is the entrance to hell. It was that much scary. Like all your sins punished there. All your fears revised on the lool of them corpses. The detonator was in our hands. Abdul Muti was right about me, I realized. He was right about my soul. What’s in my bones. That I'm ruthless. I'm corrupt. I destroy whatever’s in my path. This was not the life I wanted anymore. I wanted it to end and start again. But this time no more sins. But before that I had to survive this attack of Semion. I know I'll have scars on my body for whole life after this. But scars aren’t there to loudly announce, I’ve been through more. But rather, they'll quietly whisper, "You survived". 27 years ago. They dragged my family out of of my house and killed them. They dragged my friends out of their houses and killed them. Those who survived lost the bliss of childhood. I came into this field with no money. Even I wasn't able to speak their language. But I had will. A will that I'll rise. You can play it safe, and I wouldn’t blame you for it. You can continue as you’ve been doing, and you’ll survive, but is that what you want? Is that enough? I always had hunger for more.
Semion destroyed every business that I started for money laundering. He even had police by his side. He then started a campaign to win people's heart. In this campaign he pointed me out as a man that ruined Novosibirsk families. A man that dealt drugs here. He brought all the charges of his trades and mine and every other dealer he made partnership with upon my head. They were now all using my name to get themselves free via my dead body. There was this open recruitment. It was about taking revenge. Slogans were raised that If you have lost a loved one in drugs or a murder join us and let's finish this guy once and for all. Everyone in the city was against me. At this time I should panic no? But nope I was okay. I knew,this day ll come. Think about the last time you were scared, what happened? Chances are, you made it. Here it was the same for me. I believe in me that I can use all these traps and still leave this country. When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. But this lone wolf had no intentions of dying. He was already planning on fighting from a distance and use it as a distraction to get himself off this country. Damn, I’m numb and I’m tired now. Too much has happened in my life. I feel as if I’d been out in a pounding rain all my life without an umbrella or a coat. I’m soaked to the skin with sins.
So I was waiting for Semion's men. Semion is a clever man he would never come to this place unless his men make sure its safe. So he sent an army of thugs, citizens and police hungry for revenge for me. As they first walked on the snow, some were killed by the mines. As the pressure blowed them. This alerted them. Then they walked free because there were no mines more. They felt relaxed again and as the herd of hungry people reached closer, I signaled the mountain men. They poured petrol on the snow balls and light the fire and then rolled them down. It was rolling fireballs for them. And tbh it was a funny scene to watch them getting trapped in my plan. Then as they entered hide out they first got struck by smell. Then everyone got into the hideout. I made sure that everyone was in. They were all looking for me. Just as the last person got inside. We pulled the trigger on the detonator. Whole hideout blew and fell. It was like a fire storm in the snow mountains and many people were killed. Those who weren't killed got buried in the mess. A mass murder took place. It brought terror in people's head. They all felt afraid of my capabilities. Well I needed that fear right now to get my escape window. Every men of his army was trapped or killed. Now Semion had to think of a plan to get more men. He was at his wits end and I knew It'll bring me some time.
They say "There are all these moments you don’t think you will survive. And then you survive".
At that moment, I thought I was given a second chance. Leonid, Marko and Me bid adieu to each other and parted our ways. We never met each other again. I went to Port of Petersburg. There I already had a ticket to a place where Muslims weren't majority. Thailand. Thailand had 4.29% of the whole Muslims only. So was it a new start? Where all my sins would be erased? Or was it just a new country were I had to start again from the crack?
Chapter Seventeen
19th December, 2007. I reached Bangkok Port. Rumors of Druglords fighting had reached here too. And I was thinking that they might ask of my identity when I step out. It was election year. Thai general election were about to be held December 23. Samak Sundaravej was getting utmost support among Thai people. And I could see that first thing he'll do is to bring the crime down. Because on 1st January of that month two more bomb blasts striked Bangkok just after midnight, injuring several people, including a foreign tourist whose legs were amputated in the blast. So that guy had to bring order in the country. I heard that majority of the country's Muslims were in the Thailand's four southernmost provinces of Satun, Yala, Pattani and Narathiwat. So I blended myself with a caravan and headed to Narathiwat. At that moment I realized that it's time to forget everything. I felt like I had lost the World War and was no running for my life. But in reality all I wanted now was to getaway from all that life. Violence was also increasing there. Probably because the government was blaming Muslims for the attacks. The carriage in which I was sitting was hiding was driven by Channarong. He was a hunter. And all the way he tried to ask again and again from where I am. All I replied was a word Hell. I've been in luxiorious life. Here seeing people half naked made me think that how am I gonna settle here. But then I needed to be here. All my life, my mind was running wild. Now it was dead and rusted. Well I tucked myself in and slept all the way. The next day when I woke up I was lying on bare ground. Just outside the city. That crook Channarong took all my money, my luggage and everything. He even took my shoes that were expensive. I was stranded there. I couldn't blame God for this. I couldn't blame anyone. Because I was on my own. I knew I had to wake up from my past and if I don't do this then I wouldn't realize what peace I was missing. Well I had no idea where I was going so I simply moved on. I entered the city and everyone was looking at me like I was some sort of thief with greedy eyes and water coming out of his mouth. I went to a cobbler. Because I couldn't go to any shop without money and good clothes. Then I asked cobbler for the water. I asked him if he had any food to spare. He laughed and gave me his tools. He said work and eat. I was sitting on a torn carpet with a roof made of cloth over my head just at the corner of the street. At that time I was thinking of all the Kings life I had.. And here no one had a clue who I was. So first I saw how he mended shoes. He showed me three or four times. And then later I mended shoes. After like doin 6 or 7 pairs I earned three Thai Baht. So I ran to a nearby store bought a bowl of rice. Then came back to the cobbler. Then I added water in it and put the bowl of rice on fire. Then after sometime it was ready. My first pay gave me a bowl of boiled rice. Food never tasted so much better than that. I spent a week with that cobbler. When he left at night, I used to pull down the cloth of the roof and tuck myself in that. I slept barely four hours every night. All the time my mind was thinking of Natalia and all my life. Then one day, I decided I couldn't live like this. I had to find peace and a new family to get over it. So I asked that cobbler where did Muslim refuges stay. He said there's a mosque in Narathiwat, built by our ancestors to serve the newly settled Muslims. It was built by both Muslims and Buddhists. Legend says that during the war between the Siamese Kingdom and the Pattani Kingdom, a young woman of a village in the Pattani Kingdom was fleeing from the war. She was the keeper of the village's Quran and fled with it in her hands. Upon fleeing, she fell into a small valley. Rescued by the villagers in that area, she surprised them as she had the Quran tight in her hands. The villagers so then decided to build the Mosque after the war ended. But I don't know that is true or not. But I do have a feeling about that religion of yours. There's another legend that states the mosque was built by Wan Husein Az-Sanawi, a teacher who migrated to the Pattani Kingdom. Who knows what's real but most ceremonies held in the mosque are strictly Islamic ceremonies. They take refugees like you. You should go there. They'll first remove your past by religious teachings then give you work.
I took the address of that mosque and decided to leave tomorrow. Every night I slept now my past got under my skin in dreams. I see faces of my parents showing disappointment because who I became. Faces of my friends that I let down. It's God that pulls the trigger really for the people. I just used to flick the switch in my mind and killed them. Later in dreams it gets harder to breathe like the walls are closing in till I wake up, all sweaty. I was selfish and obscene so much that now I hated myself of what I did. I really needed to get to that mosque to get closure. Next day I put a few Thai Baht in my pockets and walked to that mosque. As I entered the mosque. It was asthetic. The mosque was built with wood from the hummingbird tree and an ironwood tree. Because nails were not invented at that time, wedges were used instead to hold the wood into place. Original roofing was made of palm tree leaves and it was later changed to terracotta tiles.
As I took of my shoes and get into it. I fell on the floor and I don't know what got into me, I started crying. I know I was crying like a person who lost everything. Who sold his soul to the devil. My eyes got red, mind was blowing and tears couldn't stop rolling. As I was in thag moment, Imam of the mosque came to me. He picked me up. Then he took me to his place. He asked about who I am. I just said to him while crying that there is an idea of me only, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense my lifestyle is probably comparable: I simply am not there. It's like I have sinned alot. Every sin you can think of. And now what I am? I have all the characteristics of a human being. Flesh, blood, skin, hair. But my depersonalization is so intense, has gone so deep, that my normal ability to feel compassion is eradicated. I simply am imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioning to feel it.
This made Imam worry about me. He then gave me place in his house. I forced me to read Quran daily. Say Prayers daily. As for work. I used to plough fields with him. Now I'm married to a farmer's girl. Live by the river in a small hut. I couldn't tell her who I was. I couldn't tell anyone. So I found out that people in the world are troubled too. Everyone thinks that there's no one to understand them. I wanted them to know that you're not alone. There are people far much wrecked then you. You just have to look to those who are below you and feel grateful. Because there's always people richer and beautiful than you. But no one is you. I was a boy living a miserable life, then became a powerful drug lord and now I'm just a local farmer. I had to write this because if I die, I want people to know that what I suffered. Now when I stare into a thin, web-like crack in the wall and think to myself that if I were to disappear into that crack, say somehow miniaturize and slip into it, the odds are good that no one would notice I was gone. No one would care. In fact some, if they noticed my absence , might feel an odd, indefinable sense of relief because of what I did to their boys and men. This is true: the world is better off with some people gone. Our lives are not all interconnected. Some people truly do not need to be here. I don't belong here in this world. But still I'm now trying to leave all thinking that there's still hope. So don't give up, accept yourself and move on. Then you'll find peace.