bridges [on hold]

xiii. i was okay

march 8, 2013

isaac only has to have his cast on for two more weeks… did i ever mention how he broke his wrist in the first place? i know i said he fell, but that's not even half of it.

the boy was standing on his dining room table, changing a lightbulb since his dad didn't have time to fix it before work. isaac is six feet tall. so that was already a bad idea.

of course, he slipped, reached out with his hand to stop himself, and landed on it.

he's getting good at writing with his left hand. he did say that his right wrist is sore, and i didn't even think before telling him that the pain will come and go and recommending medicine. i didn't stop to think about how he would ask me how i knew.

i just told him that i had broken my wrist once, too. a simple answer, one that answers his question fully without giving any details. but isaac is isaac, and isaac is curious. he wanted to know how, and i hesitated.

i took a breath. a pause. i reached a comma in a sentence. whatever you like to call it - i shut down for a split second. i started to answer, but i didn't have an answer prepared besides the truth.

"i-"

i didn't think i could go on. and for a minute, i didn't. i just sat there with a scarlet face, staring blankly at the almost-neat letters on the page.

i cannot write with my left hand.

i cannot write with my left hand.

i cannot write with my left hand.

i stared at them until my vision was corrupted by the blur of tears. i decided to try again, only to fail.

"i-"

"diana, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to, okay? i'm sorry i brought it up."

i didn't respond. i wanted to tell him. i wanted him to know what was going on. but i just couldn't move. my breathing was irregular, and tears began to roll down my cheeks as i realized what was happening. 

you can't have a panic attack right now. stop it.

my thoughts were mostly jumbled, but in the back of my mind i could still hear the voice of my therapist telling me to slow down my breathing. except this time, it wasn't working.

"hey, it's okay. calm down." i could hear isaac's voice, but it sounded muted. 

a sob bubbled up from my chest, and i couldn't keep it in. as soon as it left my lips, i bolted out of my chair, out of my room and down the hall. my plan was to make a beeline for the bathroom, lock myself in, and try to calm down in there, but of course isaac had a different plan in mind.

as i was about to turn to go into the bathroom, isaac's strong hand caught my wrist.

"hey."

i hadn't ever heard him talk like this. serious. concerned. nevertheless. i kept my back to him, the arm he was holding trailing behind me.

"diana."

when i didn't budge, he tugged on my arm. not hard, not forceful, just strong enough to get me to turn around.

biting my quivering lip, i kept my face angled toward the ground.

"hey. look at me."

he lifted my chin, looking my square in the eyes. his normally electric eyes now showcased a duller blue.

leisure blue.

"you're okay, diana. you're here with me, you're okay."

and then i really broke down.

because that was the problem. i was okay.

i was fine, i was alive and i had an amazing friend and i could run and laugh and do most anything i wanted.

petey, my little brother, my world - he was dead.

and i was okay.

isaac just hugged me tightly, and even though i knew he was confused, i could tell he didn't really care. he knew something was wrong, and that was enough.

we stood there like that for a while - isaac with his arms around me, cast and all, whispering pleas for me to calm down; me with my arms around isaac, my eyes squeezed shut, trying to steady my breathing.

and when i could breathe normally, we broke apart, and i could see that isaac's eyes were wide with concern.

"what- why did you…"

"it's a long story, isaac."

"we've got time."

--

:))))))

the next chapter will be a continuation of this day, just fyi. different journal entry, same day. i'll explain later.

also does anybody watch red band society??? it's my new obsession omg. 

thank you guys so much for six hundred reads, you're all amazing. every vote, comment, and fan means so much more to me than you'd think. c:

- kendall