Her thoughts

Part One

Sometimes I let in the darkness, letting it completely consume me. It's not because I enjoy it, but because sometimes I'm too weak to keep it out. Sometimes everything hurts too much that I feel that keeping out the darkness isn't worth it and once it takes over, I'll be free. But that's where I was wrong, every time I attempt to let go, something inside of me makes me hold on. It makes me fight back again and again until I slip once more. It's a constant cycle and I hate myself for it, I don't want to be alive and clearly I don't want to die either, how does that even work?

It's peaceful, the relief of knowing the pain has shifted to somewhere else where it hurts less. Somewhere that isn't my breaking heart but a place on my body that I know will heal over. That's when I start to see the black but that's also when everything seems to play in my mind, simple memories like birthdays and Christmas' don't seem to happen but ones where I'm laughing with my family or we're driving and singing along in the car. Memories with my friends, drinking and playing games, swimming and then lying to look at the sky afterwards. My first kiss, my first proper boyfriend. The way I felt in those times, in simple phone calls that seemed to last for hours on end when it felt like 30 minutes, in simple moments we thought weren't important yet they're the last things I'm thinking about. Regrets fill my mind as tears fill my eyes, I used to be happy, once.

I never wanted to go through it, I was just too scared to speak up about it because I was worried about what people would say. I was so scared of the judgement and the things people would say, if people found out, I'd become an attention seeker but if I do it, everyone will talk about me like they cared, like they would've helped. It all becomes a lose-lose situation.

Today will be different, I'm finally going to talk about it. I'm going to see a counsellor after attempting and never showing up in the past but today has to be different, I have to get better. It's not just that I have to get better, I want to.

I used to repeat that to myself everyday, but I still never got the help I needed, that's my biggest regret if I'm honest. I knew I was getting worse but I ignored it.