My recovery.

Ares

to whom cares,
for the past six years I've been struggling with a severe anxiety, depression, eating disorder and self harm, I was always so hard and "unstable" as people would like to call me, some would even joke that I need help or that I'm being fake, some accuse me of not fighting, of being weak, but this was never the case, for years I've had to go see someone for help, only one person knew about this, the same person who found their fifteen year old daughter curled on the floor, crying her eyes out with blood dripping out of her arm, with her hand on her mouth trying to muffle her sobs, other than my old cutting habits, there were days when i hated myself so much, i despised the woman staring at me in the mirror that i used to not eat for days, or force myself to throw up anything i ate, that's part of why I'm so upset when someone calls me out for being fat or ugly or what so ever, it kinda grew on me, the thought that i should be perfect.

some days I'm so caught up in my own train of thoughts, that train probably wrecks at the end of its path, but the thing is.. I'm always on the rail when it does, crash.

I've been trying to get better, but i lost the only person who knew me, I was a wreck, my anxiety and depression got the best of me, sometimes I'd disappear from people's life, they'd get so upset but it's nothing i could've controlled back then, I'm better now, but the thing is i owe it to myself and everyone i care about, i owe them an explanation, I owe myself to stop letting people treat me like there's something is wrong with me, like it's my fault, like I'm the one to blame, like I'm weak, insecure, giving up, not fighting enough, i owe it to myself for them to stop throwing every flaw i have as a mental illness that i should get help for, when in fact none of this is a joke, you don't tell someone "oh you're so insecure, you have no self confidence,  oh and you don't trust seriously you need help" or the usual "you're sick" because none of these people who label me, or keep pointing out every flaw i have, none of them know how it is to live like this, none of them ever considered the consequences of their words, if you're reading this, you're one of those people too.

back then any harm I'd cause myself, I'd consider as something i just deserve, as if I'm serving justice. if anyone would hurt me, I'd blame myself for deserving so, for being so.. worthless. Self harm was so easy and it always was a relief for the mere seconds of it, I was never one to be scared of physical pain, I found relief in it, the body is used to giving priority to feeling the physical pain at its peak moments, so at those moments the emotional pain went unnoticed, it's so weird how pain conceals pain, how physical damage stops you from feeling the emotional one, even for seconds.. that was addictive and it was the only way out back then. To me, it was my way of solving my problems, the ones that I didn't have answers for.. 

I never really understood people that much, why would someone hurt you if you've done nothing to them? why would someone lie? if you've only loved them. why would someone feel better by making you feel worse.

for the past year, after i lost my mother, the only person i truly had, i had to pretend more than ever, i felt responsible sometimes even blamed myself that i couldn't save her, i know if she was here she'd want me to know this is stupid to think of, but i can't help it... and well, she's not here. i had to fake being fine because no one would listen or understand, mental illness in our society is immediately an assumption for the older generation that one is insane, when it's just a health issue like anything else.

my mental illness was like the flu, it comes and goes in waves, sometimes it's so high that it pulls me under, and i can't breathe then it lets me go, it calms down and then i crawl back to the shore.. that's the times i "disappear" so going back, i find all the people that i love made at me, accusing me of being selfish or for not being there, when in fact it's out of my control, on those days i don't even recognize myself, i look like myself on the surface only, sometimes my attacks gets the best of me, i wake up the next day not remembering a thing, that's why i run away and hide. people would think I'm scared of them but I'm only scared of me.

one would say why wouldn't you ask the ones you love to help you? I did. multiple times, had i asked my family to support me and to help me reach out for someone who could help me, for them to support me while i get the help i need, but it's always a "why are you making such a big deal out of this? there's nothing wrong with you, so stop being an attention seeking drama queen" or some would accuse you of liking the "victim role" for some reason assuming that I'm being dramatic or the word i hate most "over".. overreacting, overdramatic.. over everything but let me tell you the only thing i was over, is the edge and ready to jump, some people would walk into our lives seem so good, they'd promise to help, but they go around and make it worse by being insensitive and cold.. or maybe some people are just mean when it's not them feeling the pain..

I've always known I'm too much to handle, something so stupid like hanging up on me or not answering my calls could bring in so many bad memories and emotions, it might activate a full-on anxiety mode, and people wouldn't understand that, they just see what's on the surface and i never did blame anyone for understanding what they don't know, but i do blame people for being mean about it, i believe that everyone should just be a little kinder, as i know for sure that everyone is fighting their own unspoken battle...

a lot of my past actions were based of my fear and struggle, I walked out on people i love because it was destroying me, and I couldn't risk more, sometimes I couldn't forgive someone whom i opened up about this and for them to just let me down because they can't even face the consequences of their own actions, that's what happened when you fall in love with the wrong person, and even then, i let everyone blame me, because it's easier that way, even he knew that I'd do so because i wouldn't dare be that vulnerable so i accepted the role of being a heartless person who gave up on him.

if you're reading this, please be kind to everyone, I was lucky enough to complete this journey, to fight this, on my own after she was gone, but not everyone's getting the help they need.
please understand that some might have let me down, but in no means am i upset at any of you, if at anytime you've put me back in a dark place, it's just my dark place, no is to blame.. but as i said i owe you an explanation and i owe myself, for the people that i consider as family and friends to stop judging me, to never label me or my actions.. or label anyone actually.. this is me coming clean of all your false assumptions and accusations.