4 Years Of Memories.

Chapter 2- J.S.P

*Yet another installment of the Broken Heart and Tangled Mind series. Written and completed Mar. 6, 2019.

I had a dream last night. I woke up breathing heavy, like it was a nightmare. But it was the exact opposite. It was about me and you. And I was happy for the first time in months. Usually I'd forget a normal dream by now, but this one is sticking around. I wish I could go back to sleep, just to be like that again. How we used to be. I woke up this morning and listened to your music. I miss you. Two years is a long time, no doubt.

I feel betrayed by you. Although you didnt promise me or tell me anything, I still cant shake the feeling of betrayal. You asked jayke out. He told me. My best friend. You know what that would have done to me. Yet, you only think about yourself now. You have forgotten me. How typical and expected. I understand that you want a relationship since you cant have one with me, but you need to realize that I have a hard time letting go, especially after everything we have been through. I remember it all. And I hate it. It haunts me every day. I have nothing left to give. So, this is goodbye. I will not hold you back, nor will I give my opinion to whoever you see to share your life with. Because I'm so unfortunate, I really have no say in anything. Why would you listen to me anyways? Why would you care? Just leave me be. Let me suffer. Let me mourn in peace. I dont want your memory. I dont want your damn guitar pick. I dont want anything anymore. I'm broken again and I'm left to rot. No one cares to make sure I'm okay, no one cares to seek the truth, no one wants to hear what I have to say anymore. I have no one. You have Morroni and all your friends, I only have Jayke and Brenna. But even then, I've been traumatized too many times. I just want someone to hold me. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I'm alone. Abandoned. Again.

I've let go. I see you are happy with Jayke, and I have no qualms about it. Just because I'm not with you doesnt mean you have to be alone. Be happy.

Well, you and Jayke didnt work out. I hate to say it, but I hoped it wouldnt be permanent. But now that we've been talking more and reverting back to our old ways, my love for you is starting to resurface. Well, it's always been there, it's just defining itself once again. And because of our circumstances, I've been wondering what happens next. Friends with benefits? Just friends? I honestly dont know. I hope fate decided to swing into our favor. I dont want to be alone anymore. Loneliness has been slowly eating at me for the past few months and it hurts. I'm in so much internal pain. When I talk to you, I get a break from it and I can feel happy, like we used to be. Life is cruel... 2 years. That's the dream. 2 years and then we're free. God help me.

8/21/19
I've given up a long time ago. Talking to you is just painful. All you ever want to know is if I have a girlfriend yet. Why the fuck do you care? Are you that eager to see me move on? What if I dont want to? What if I've been hurt too many times to even consider it? You dont get it, do you? I dont take dating lightly. It's a serious thing to me and I put my everything into it. And quite frankly, I dont think I have any more left to give. I wasted it all on you and Halie. So I dont want to hear "do you have a girlfriend yet". Cuz now you know the answer: no, nor do I plan on getting one any time soon. You go off and have fun with your, oh, 4th boyfriend while I stay here and try to recover from my first two potential partners. God, it pisses me off that you keep nagging me about it. And another thing, I dont want to hear about you and your boyfriend(s). Remember who I am. Because most of the time, I feel that you forget about that. You talk about you and your boyfriend "going into the woods" and all this other shit, yet you never take a second thought as to who can hear you. And who it might piss off and ruin their day. Cuz it ruined mine. And made me beyond pissed, to the point where I was light headed and my vision was getting blurry. And I dont want your sympathy. I dont want anyone's. Just keep me out of everything like that. Because I remember. And I regret. God, it's fucking ridiculous how inconsiderate you are. Granted, I dont say anything to you, but you should get a hint from me not looking or talking to you after you pull some shit like that. FUCK. And if you do ever read this, I dont hate you. I just hate what you do.

7/19/2021

What are we? We're falling back into old habits after talking again. I'm feeling the same way I did back then, and the unpredictability of our situation scares me. I'm extremely tempted to pour myself back into us, but I'm terrified of it. I guess I don't entirely trust you, which is stupid of me, but it's true. It could just be paranoia, but I'm not sure. Please, help me out here.

7/20/2021

It's good to see where our priorities are. While mine are rooted in unconditional love, yours are tied to attention and intimacy. I had thought you agreed to a life together, but I now see you made other plans without letting me know. Communication is a decently important thing, in any relationship. Perhaps this is why you've had so many? Just a stab in the dark. I suppose a better question than "what are we?" Is "what do you want?". I want a relationship where I can trust the other person and have faith that they aren't going to hide things from me. I'm not even sure god knows what you want. You've broken my heart for the second time, maybe the third, I stopped keeping track. You lift me up, only to let me fall back into the ground, which I've spent literal years picking myself up from. You've undone all the progress I have made. I was getting better, too. I was starting to feel like me again. Then you had to come along and make me fall head over heels for you, talking romantic and all, only to tell me we're friends. I've had to sit here and watch you date around like a whore. I. Had. To. WATCH. THAT. Do you have the slightest idea what that does to someone? I want to fucking kill myself. We had made plans and everything. I had hope. And now, what's left? Fucking nothing. Thanks for that. Thanks for being a coward, a liar, and an overall shit person to me. Thanks for never thinking about me. Means a lot. Not like I went out of my way for you or anything. Not like I spent money I don't have on you. Not like I lie awake at night, waiting for you to text. That would be stupid. Hell, what's more stupid is the fact that I thought there was a chance that I could trust that we felt the same way. Guess I was wrong, wasn't I? Thanks for ruining me, again. I appreciate it. Thanks for all the pain, tears, and dread you gave me.