ardor e.d

introduction

ethan knew we were always just friends and only friends.
*
i guess he just wanted what he couldn't have.
*
our friend group was perfect.
it's always just been me, grayson, ethan, and my brother.
i've always felt comfortable with them,
they're like my family,
they've dealt with me and my terrible anxiety issues that i've always had ever since i was a kid.
they were like my cure. my happiness. everything i needed.
i never really wanted anything serious with a boy,
i've only had like 2 boyfriends my entire 19 years of living.
between the whole friend group i was always the baby.
my family and the dolan family grew up together,
they were practically like another pair of older protective brothers.
i remember in 7th grade when i had my first kiss at the school dance,
my annoying ass brother came and brought the twins and started harassing the kid for no fucking reason.
they even started a fight with him.
literally 3 vs. 1
he's such a cocksucker i swear to god.
or the time both the dolans walked in on me in the bathroom trying to put a tampon in,
with
my foot on the counter and everything.
it was so fucking embarrassing it practically looked like i was fingering myself but thank god we never spoke of it.
i've never really had a great childhood,
i was emotional and physical abused by my mother, lisa and sean knew that my mom had anger issues but they never really thought too much of it.
i was always a daddy's girl, i loved my dad.
he was always there to protect me from my mom,
and emotionally support me.
until when he couldn't anymore.
he passed away when i was only 12 years old.
at that point in life,
i just wanted to die.
i gave up and depression took the best of me.
my brother would always try and defend me everytime my mom would go in to hit me
or yell at me but she would always just push my brother away and force him to leave the room.
it killed my brother to have to leave me alone with her, he could hear me screaming and crying in pain.
i'm mentally fucked up.
no, truly.
and after everything my moms done to me,
i still love and care for her,
even from afar.
sometimes i miss my dad.
i think my brother does too but he doesn't show it often.
lisa and sean became closer with my mom when my father had passed.
they felt bad for her, me, and jason.
i consider lisa as a mother.
she's such a soft person even behind closed doors unlike my mom.
lisa has always been there for me, she's just such a precious person, and she gives the best warmest hugs.
sean has always supported me and jason to do what we believed in and he has always been there for jason whenever he needed emotional support.
ethan and grayson are two whole different story's.
ethan is the most cockiest person you'll ever meet and always try's to act like a bad kid,
but once you truly get to meet him he's a softie. ethan has always been there for me, and i do truly love him. a lot.
grayson is a soft person too even tho he's built like a tuff guy.
everytime we pass by a dog he literally starts to explode with expressions cause he can't touch them.
you're probably asking why i'm 19 and i still live with my terrible mother,
well i don't know.
i just don't wanna leave her or my family. atleast not yet.
there's too much memories, mostly bad but there is a few good ones.
i already have my scars, both mental and physical,
and my fresh cut marks as a reminder of all my bad memories.
but it all changes. because of him.
he changes my perspective of how i view my life.
he showed me that my wounds prove that i am strong.
that i can be happy.

hi guys, i just wanna show y'all a little piece of her life. <3 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:  1-800-273-8255

you're not alone, please call the number above ^  if you need someone to talk to or please dm me. ilyyy