ardor e.d

2

i've been experiencing a couple bad days, i've been
bottling up my emotions.
i've been ignoring everyone.
i've been losing weight.
i've been cutting again, and i don't know why.
emotions hit me like a truck, one moment i'm listening to sad music at 12 and i end up crying till 3 in the morning.
jason and the twins gave me my space cause they know i'm mentally unstable.
that's why i love them.
ethan has been trying to talk to me which is cute and it hurts me to just ignore him but i just don't feel the need of associating with anyone.
would anyone even care about me if i left?
damn.
i try going to sleep.
i close one eye and then the other,
i cant sleep all my thoughts catch up to me.
all because of this one boy.
he's the reason why i don't want a serious relationship, he hurt me and knew i was hurt and he would say he "loved" me. we were together for one year, he was one of the only people i've ever trusted besides my family. i gave him my virginity because i thought that would help him stay longer with me but instead it made it quicker.
when i would be with him it'd be so nice and amazing,
but
when we weren't together it'd always be fights.
simple ass fights like about me not being his priority, or him just completely ignoring me while he'd be smoking weed with his best friends.
i was never what he loved.
he just wanted attention, and that's what he got.
after he got it, he left.
he left me alone with a broken heart.
my brother never knew, nor did ethan or gray.
i never told them that i gave him my virginity, or about our fights, or the fact that he left me alone.
he left me alone pregnant too.
such a dick.
i never wanted to see him again yet i always kept running back to him.
i told him i was pregnant and all he said was "cool get an abortion lmao".
so that's what i did without nobody knowing, which was pretty hard cause i had to work hard to pay for it.
my life was finally going back into place kinda,
until he texted me a few weeks ago,
asking me to take him back apologizing for all his mistakes but for what?
i didn't want him back, i was getting back into place without him,
but the memories flood my head.
i missed being close with someone,
loving someone,
touching someone,
wanted by someone.
all i have ever wanted was for someone to be my side and for them to never leave me.