Another Rough Night (Castiel X Reader)

Another Rough Night

I hadn't self harmed in weeks. Castiel found out about my little secret months ago - on a hunt, of all places. My pants had ripped and he'd seen all of the scars. I was horrified. He was confused, but worried, too. He kept a good eye on me, making sure to check in on me when I seemed off. And of course, he's removed every last razor he could find.

But he'd never seen me have an anxiety attack.

I couldn't breathe. Or, at least, I felt like I couldn't. I knew I was getting air into my lungs. I felt each breath. They were coming in and out too fast for my body to register the oxygen they contained. I placed my hands on the cold floor, hoping the sensation would somehow bring me back to earth, but it just made me wish for something with more feeling. Something I'd been trying to avoid as much as possible since that hunt. But in this state, I couldn't. I curled my fingertips upward and dug my nails into the palms of my hands. That helped. The pain. I pushed harder and took a deep, fulfilling breath, finally feeling it make its way through my body.

"I sensed distress, Y/N," I heard a voice whisper from the other side of my bedroom. Castiel. I hadn't heard his wings over the sound of my breathing. He couldn't see me like this, no, not like this. Not so vulnerable, not so scared. "Is there something wrong?"

I shook my head violently from side to side, pinching my eyes shut and pulling my knees to my chest. My hands lifted from the floor and wrapped around my legs. "Everything is fine. Please, just let me be."

"Y/N..." he breathed. I heard concern in his voice. "There's blood on the floor."

I cracked my eyes open just enough to look. Sure enough, there were smudges of red from my palm. I opened my hands to see wounds where my nails had broken skin. Realizing what I'd done, tears began to overflow down my face. I lifted my hands to hide my eyes but Cas knelt down and caught them before I could reach.

"Tears will not feel good on your wounds. May I?" he asked gently. I didn't answer. I could hardly hear him. It was too hard to breathe. There were too many thoughts racing through my head. My whole body was shaking. Though he still had a grip on my wrist, I reached my fingers out towards him, and he understood.

Castiel sat himself down on the floor in front of me and pulled me closer to him. I let myself fall out of the tight ball I was curled into and accepted his comfort. He held my head close to his chest. I could smell the faint scent of chamomile, feel vibrations against my cheek. He was talking to me. But I couldn't hear the words, not over everything else, and that made me feel even more fear.

I balled my hands into fists again. Sharp pains made their way up my arms from the open skin on my palms and I felt more in touch with reality. It didn't last, though. Castiel's hands gently found mine in my lap and forced my hands open. I tried to resist, to pull away from his grip, but I was no match for his strength.

He held me tight, but not painfully. Tight enough to make me feel safe. To let me know he was in control of the situation. That he would not allow any harm to come to me. I relaxed into his secure embrace. A flash of warmth told me that he'd used his grace to heal me. My face buried farther into him as the tears flowed faster, but now I could hear him more clearly, speaking to me in a low, concerned whisper.

"It's okay, Y/N," he said. The angel always sounded so sure of himself. "Please do not hurt yourself."

"Cas..." I whispered. It sounded foreign, like the voice didn't belong to me. "Cas, I'm so sorry."

"Shh, it's alright. Just take a deep breath, okay? Humans need to breathe."

It took all the strength I had left, but I managed to match my breaths to his rhythm. It was so methodical, so even. When he felt certain I wouldn't try to hurt myself again, he released my hands and pulled me closer. He smoothed little circles into the small of my back. As the trembling subsided, I felt myself slowly falling towards sleep.

His voice, however, pulled me back out.

"Y/N?" he asked. "I believe your bed might be more suitable for sleep than the floor."

I nodded into his chest but didn't move. The anxiety attack had stolen all of my energy, leaving me completely drained.

"Would you like me to move you?" he asked quietly.

"You don't have to..." I whispered. "You don't have to do any of this. I'm sorry I dragged you into my mess."

Castiel sighed and lifted me carefully. "I know I don't have to do this, Y/N. I want to do this." He placed me on top of the covers and stood up, but I reached for his hand.

"Don't leave."

He smiled. "I'm not leaving," he assured me.