The Lights and Sirens

The Fire

So here we are, we'll start with one of those dark places, that I can never forget. One that my mind takes me to when I can't sleep, or when I smell smoke. The worst of all burnt chicken skin, the smell of burning flesh is something I would not wish upon anyone. It was just about Christmas, a fun shift with a decent partner coming to an end, then at 6:04. A time that would be hard to forget in years and holidays to come. "E0, Possible Dwelling fire smoke seen from the windows." So me and my partner proceeded enroute, we get so many of these calls daily that are bullshit, but not this one. I was so excited, as a lowly newbie can get. But in the days and years to come I'd wish it was just bullshit. We call onscene scene, PD is pounding in the door, no answer great! Smoke pouring out of the open window, the sound of glass blowing out from the windows, my partner and I look up the hill and we proceed to the back to grab the stretcher. By the time we arrived to the time we turned to the back door, flames engulfed the whole house. We took our house bag and monitor up and laid it in the ground while we got a back board and the stretcher. The first thing goes wrong the power lines on the house melt off and fall directly on top of our bag and monitor, great... the supervisor and I make eye contact as he quickly pulls the two out from under the line. Now we wait, we go to the surrounding houses and evacuate the home owners, on one side a small family eagerly ready to get to safety and on the other an elderly aunt and her son. We get her into the stair chair, as she complains the whole time. "I told them they'd set that house on fire, there a bunch of drunks and they smoke! I bet they left a cigarette burning." So I thought maybe there are people inside, I tell the supervisor he lets the arriving fire department know. We take the elderly aunt to the squad just so she'd have a place to sit away from the fire. We help her in and an employee sits with her while we wait. Our second truck arrives the transport unit standing by waiting for patients, we're first on scene so we're committed of course, and we wait. The wait is antagonizing, the fire is getting knocked down, a great quick job by our local departments. That's when a young woman arrives on scene crying out loudly that her family is inside, you know when you've had a gut wrenching feeling that something wasn't right, then you find out you were right. Right here in this moment I had that happen to me. An EMT for 2 years only working on the trucks for a few months, never been to real fire, never been on a cardiac arrest, never even had a DOA. Now we know someone was inside. I was hopeful that they had hidden into the closet or escaped early on, the fire department started to search. Still an unbelievable amount of smoke poured from the home. The supervisor told me to take the aunt to a local hospital 4 minutes away for an evaluation. I'd did as I was told, impatiently waiting and listening to the radio as I drove. The woman, sweet but clueless continues her rant on the way to the hospital. I find out that she is also the aunt of the people next to her in that burning house my heart sinks. "I told them this would happen, a bunch of drunk assholes. I can't believe I was right. I'll tell them I was right all along. I hope they're okay though." As she said that I hear "County C5 can I get a code zero?" 715 "County C5 another code 0" 716 "County I need one more time." 717. I looked at the woman, "uh yeah I hope they're okay too." Knowing full well they're dead, it's not my place to tell her not right now, I'm just a baby EMT I've never done that before. I tell the nurses of what's happened ,and that PD will be up later to talk to her. I dropped the aunt off at the hospital and raced back down to the scene, there I was my partner and I awaiting the coroner. They come and take us to see the bodies, two adults one male and female, and a baby 5 months old. I stared speechless I don't know what to say. It turns out that grandma was watching baby with her son who lived there, while the baby's mom finished up some Christmas shopping. How devastating, we need information to document the patients, now to ask the wailing woman who just lost her child, mother, and brother all in the last hour. Now in EMT class they tell you to not make associations with your patients with things in your life, I didn't listen. The birthday of the 5 mo old June 24th. The birthday of my best friends 5 mo old .... June the 24th. My mind started to race what if that was her, I can't even think about it. We gather the rest of the information as the fire department does overhaul to make sure there is no hot spots to rekindle. The ME arrived and handled the bodies as we watched in silence, news cameras arrived trying to get statements from us but again nothing just silence. That's the day I started smoking. I had to chain smoke at least 10 cigarettes as we watched. As the bodies were taken, the transport unit was cleared, and so were we. Fire command told us that in an hour we were to meet at the fire station for a debriefing. Myself and my partner gathered our untouched supplies and loaded them back into the unit, and we drove back again in silence. Now take it me and this partner had only worked once before together and weren't friends, but after today we were closer than ever. 900 rolls around, we're sitting at the station, my partner takes the truck up with one of the LTs and I ride in the squad with C5. I'm sitting in the same seat that the aunt was, she was bitching about them and didn't even know they were gone. Did I do the right thing by not telling her? I don't know, we arrive at the fire station, 2 blocks down from that house. CISM is there the Critical Incident Stress Management team, they sit us down get us some food and drink as they talk to us. Saying we all did a great job and that they were here to talk to us if any of us wanted a 1-1. I sat down and talked for a bit, the sting was still fresh so everything I talked about wasn't all I was feeling, I wish I would've used that time better to express my feelings, but I didn't my dumbass decided to be tough. I went back to the supervisor when I was done and we drove back together, I was silent he looked at me, this man I've known for 10 years since I was in middle school. "I wasn't going to let it happen again we needed that, the last time I forgot to call the CISM, and I failed the crews and myself, and I failed as a boss. I didn't do my job, which is to make sure you're all okay." That's when I snapped tears just started flowing, all the sudden I was sobbing, like the ugly crying you do when you lose a family member, again all of which I've known too well. We get back to the station, I try and buck up. I have to be tough no one can know I was crying. That's when C5 came over to me and gave me a big hug, like a dad hug really it was comforting, but that in itself made me cry more. I didn't want to talk to anyone I gave my partner a hug, grabbed my shit and left. I sat in my car I sobbed again for what felt like forever, I called my best friend the one with the baby. She answered the FaceTime, she had just moved back to North Carolina, she was in the marine corps so I didn't get to see her often. I just stared at her over the phone."What's wrong? Hey buddy what's wrong?" I couldn't really say much without falling back into my sobs, "just hug her for me, really tight. I love you both so fucking much. I'll call you later." Just like that I hung up. I went home, family was in town it was Christmas Eve, I didn't speak to them I just walked up to my room shut my door and stared at the ceiling. That was the first failed attempt at sleeping. As I laid there staring at the ceiling it just kept replaying over and over in my head like a movie on repeat from start to finish. I laid there until about 1230am, I called down to the station. "I'm gonna come down for a bit." I drove back down there avoiding that street, going out of my way to not drive past it. I sat there in silence until the Cheif walked over handed me a pack of smokes and pulled me out into the garage. We sat there and talked for hours, between the two of us that whole pack was gone come 5am. He told me I needed to sleep, and I told him I just kept replaying that movie in my head, I couldn't stop thinking about it. He sent me home in the hopes I would sleep. Boy did I try, I slept for about 2 hours before waking up in that cold sweat. Christmas Day...yay. We do our gift exchange and breakfast followed by the Christmas story marathon, but I couldn't pay attention you could guess what I'm thinking about. That night I repeat the same notion and smoke away in the garage with the cheif, hey at least it makes me feel a little better, that night was the first night I slept. I thought I was done with it boy was I wrong, about 5 years later, countless psychiatrist appointments and anti-depressants later, I have PTSD. It's gotten better over time, with the meds and late night talks with good friends, I seem to have not persay made amends, but am now copeing. For a first fire I really had the shitter, and every time I pass that street I think about it, I think about me going to that house late at night, and dropping off a little stuffed dog for that baby. I know it meant nothing but it made me feel a little bit better. I just keep thinking if i would've know I would've ran in and gave everything I had to pull them out. Fuck myself, the day I got my EMT card was the day I said, I'd do anything for my patients. Including running into a burning house to pull them to safety. Luckily I didn't know and I'm still here today writing this and not dead. I'm a firm believer in the everything happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is unclear. But I have that experience under my belt to help other co-workers debrief and talk about their bad calls too.

That's just one story stick around for more to come. Thanks,
A struggling Medic.