Rainbow - Kellic // boyxboy

Chapter Ten

"You kissed him!" Dr. Levit says surprised.

"I did." I chuckle nervously. "It just kind of happened. Almost like an instinct."

I near whisper the last sentence as I'm pulled into my head.

"Kell," Dr. Levit's voice pulls me back out. "I have a pretty good idea of what you're thinking. We've been through this, many times."

"I know." I sigh. "I know. I know it's not correct, I just get paranoid sometimes."

She smiles sadly.

"Those videos your father showed you are completely outdated and hold absolutely no factual information. Gay people are not sexual predators. It is not similar to pedophilia. It is not an illness. Those videos were made in the 1960s when everyone was homophobic and no one knew anything. Forget those videos. They're useless." Dr. Levit explains.

"I still did it without his permission." I sigh.

"Kiddo, it was just a kiss. You didn't touch him, you didn't hurt him, you just kissed him." Dr. Levit explains slowly.

"But it was his first kiss." I huff, annoyed with myself.

"Was Vic bothered by that?" she asks.

I shake my head. He told me it was okay.

"Then who are you getting upset for? Vic's fine. You're fine. No harm done."

I smile and nod. She's right.

"I feel so stupid when I'm here. All you do is say logical things. I wish I could just think logically for myself." I sigh.

"I think you just get lost in your head sometimes, Kell. It's normal for someone who has suffered trauma." Dr. Levit explains.

"How do I get out of my head though?" I ask, pained by the thought.

"You have done it before, Kells. Remember when you were dating Brandon? You were hardly ever in your head." she explains.

"So you're saying I should go date Brandon again." I snort, rolling my eyes.

"No, no," she chuckles. "Of course not. I'm just saying, it's possible to switch this off. You just need to find something, or someone to keep your grounded. At least until you can switch it off yourself."

Unsurprisingly, Vic immediately pops into my head. This is becoming a common occurrence. He's all I think about lately.

See, funnily enough, Vic keeps me in my head. But he takes away the darkness and the self-loathing. He makes it bearable. He makes it a place I'm not afraid to be.

It's him who keeps me grounded. I wish it wasn't. But simultaneously, I'm glad it is.

-

When I get back to my dorm, I'm surprised to find Vic on his bed, a mahogany guitar tucked under his arm as he strums it's strings with a pic.

"I didn't know you played guitar." I grin, tossing my keycard onto my nightstand then sitting on my bed.

A grin immediately falls onto Vic's face and I feel my stomach twinge in a way I'm not used to.

"Yeah, it's one of my favourite things to do." he murmurs, gently plucking a singular string, making a soft yet beautiful noise echo through the room. "How was your appointment?"

I immediately cringe at the question. It's only a matter of time before he asks why I have regularly scheduled appointments.

"It was good." I reply softly.

There's a sudden silence in the air after I say that. Yet I can practically hear Vic thinking.

"Can I ask–"

I immediately cut Vic off, eager to get this conversation over with as fast as possible.

"Therapy. I go to therapy." I answer sharply. I feel a lump crawl up my throat and plant itself at the entrance.

Vic looks surprised and a little startled.

"That's not what I was going to ask you." he blurts out.

I feel my face heat up and the lump in my throat grows in size.

"O-oh," I squeak out.

"But um, thanks for telling me." he chuckles nervously. "I kind of figured though."

"Oh." I blush, my stomach twisting with embarrassment.

"I used to go to therapy." Vic chirps. I can tell he's trying to make me feel better, which is sweet.

"You did?" I smile shyly.

"Yeah, when I first went blind. I got depressed and I was angry. Wasn't a fun time. But I saw a therapist and he taught me to channel that into music." he smiles, strumming his guitar again.

"Oh, that's awesome." I smile.

I get caught up in the fact that Vic used to go to therapy. Meaning, he doesn't anymore. Meaning, maybe I won't have to go forever. Maybe there's some hope for me.

"Sorry, what were you going to ask me?" I question, now genuinely clueless about what question he has.

"You think I'm hot?" he says.

He gently runs his pic along the strings, obviously trying to distract himself from his own question.

Initially, I'm confused and alarmed by his question. How could he know? But then I remember this morning, when Sam very loudly exclaimed that I told her I thought he was hot. It was just after he left the room. He was probably only just outside the door.

I'm humiliated all over again and I blame Sam completely.

"Is that a no?" Vic chuckles, sounding a little disheartened when I don't say anything.

"I-I, I mean," I take a breath to calm myself. "Y-yeah. I mean, yeah I do. I, um, I guess."

I'm cringing so hard I feel like I'm going to cave in on myself or give myself an aneurysm or a burst appendix. Can that even happen? It definitely feels possible at this moment.

"Oh cool." Vic smiles, seeming back to his usual confident, smiley self.

That damned smile.

"I think you're hot too." he chirps, ever so casually.

I frown confused. Hot is not a word I would use to describe myself. Besides, Vic can't even see me. That's an empty compliment.

"How would you know if I'm hot or not?" I ask, probably a little rudely.

Vic doesn't seem to mind though.

"The way you were kissing me last night was pretty hot." he smirks.

My stomach tenses and flips, somehow sending tingles through my entire body as it does so. Holy fuck, is my appendix bursting? Do I need an ambulance?

Vic's words have not only given me a pseudo-medical-emergency, but they've also rendered me speechless. So when I don't reply, Vic noticeably seems concerned.

"Kells, you okay?" he asks.

"I think I'm dying." I spit out unintentionally, adding a choky chuckle to let him know that I'm okay. At least I think I'm okay. Oh god. What if I'm not okay? 

I feel my heart hammering against my chest. Am I having a heart attack? Oh god, I'm having a heart attack!

"What?" Vic laughs. "You're so cute. Do you need some water?"

"I've got it!" I exclaim, jumping off my bed, snatching my keycard up then swiftly leaving the room.

As soon as I'm away from Vic, I acknowledge that I'm in perfect health, but I don't dare go back to my dorm for the rest of the night.

I pace around campus trying to calm myself down but Vic's words ring through my head, making that near impossible.

You're so cute. You're so cute. You're so cute.