I ended up ordering gazpacho soup while Qua ordered chicken with vegetables.
Where we were seated, was private being that what we intended to have was a private conversation. So anything we said, no one can hear, and anything this we did no one can see.
"But like I was saying..I ain't never been in that type of situation before. So I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to make sure you took care of yourself and didn't loose yourself. I didn't want to let this one thing take you over and consume you. I -."
"What do you mean by thing, Q?" I sigh looking up at him from eating my soup, "I was pregnant. With your's and mine's baby. It's not just some thing it was going to be a baby like what do you mean?" I sigh, "and it did take me over and consume me. I never knew what other women who frequently go through this went through. I never knew. Up to the point where I was told I had one," I say wiping my eye, "And I get that you were trying to take my mind off of it by getting me to eat after hours and hours and hours but how can I honestly eat going through what I went through."
"I know and I-."
"You don't babe and that's what i'm trying to say. That's my point. I know you don't know. I get that. I do, honestly. And I do apologize for yelling and getting mad at you it was just a feeling come out of me that I ain't never felt before. I didn't even realize how I was acting until I thought about it and had replayed the situation afterwards in my head. But listen, I was just telling you how you should comfort me, not with food or anything else. You. I just wanted to hold you and lay down and cuddle but obviously that turned into something," I explain, "Listen, when I left.. I cried.. for hours and hours. I cried on my way back home, and I cried for days. I was depressed. I barely went anywhere. I stayed in my house for a month and a half. I have anxiety. Like every single day I just worry and worry about everything.." I shake my head looking down, "babe I had pain in my back and bad cramps for so fucking long you don't even know!" I say tearing up, "I blamed myself entirely for everything.. I still do. I feel like I let this happen," I say pointing to my self before wiping my eyes making him tear up a little, "I feel like if I were to find out sooner, we wouldn't be here right now."
"I'm sorry," He sighs reaching out his arm to wipe my eye.
"I know you are but right now, 'i'm sorry' isn't fixing my broken heart. Like Im just going through so much and i'm by myself."
"Never that, you will always have me in your corner and by your side. Our terms don't matter bruh, I'm here for you. But I went through depression too. I was in denial of it but I went through it," He shrugs one shoulder, "It was like I was an addict going through withdraws of you. I couldn't stand the fact that we wasn't talking. I would always hit up your friends and ask them how you was doing. Even if you weren't talking to me, I was hearing from their perspective what you were going through. Nobody ever told me about that. I was just praying that getting you here we could talk things out and-."
"Be back to normal?" I ask raising my eyebrows.
"Nah," He sucks his teeth, "ain't no way we going back to 'normal' after this. Ain't no way bruh.. I just want you back home. I just wanna wake up next to you again and go to sleep next to you. I wanna be able to spend my days with you and travel with you to our bookings. I wanna have you by my side 24/7 cause without you bruh I feel different. Not myself. You're my main source of happiness..of love..of life. Family is everything and you're my family. No matter the circumstances, you're my family. You're my home. I just can't be away from you no longer. This no contact shit, this no seeing each other for a long time gotta stop. We adults. We grown. We can't just say fuck up the love and the relationship because of this bump in the road. I love you and I miss you a lot bruh."
Part of me wanted to say that I missed him too and the other part of me wanted to tell him I wanted to get myself together-fully before getting back together.
This wasn't gonna be no quick conversation that'll determine the direction our relationship was gonna go in-this was real fucking life. It was real life.
"I gotta think about it," I sigh.
"So no huh?" He curls his lips looking away.
"It's not neither a yes or no.I wanna focus on myself and get myself together a little more before we get back together."
"What are you trying to say?" He asks.
"I just need more time to heal and think more that's all. I can't make this decision on the spot. I gotta think and really pick apart things before making a decision," I say fixing myself before standing up; he quickly stands up afterwards.
"Would you guys like the check?" The waiter asks running over.
"Here," I say opening my purse getting out my card, "I'll let you know later," I say handing the card to the waiter before leaving, "Happy birthday."
"I'll uh..be right back with the card sir," I hear the waiter say as I start walking towards the exit.
It wasn't gonna be a decision I could just sleep on too. I wasn't ready to go back to being in a relationship just yet. I wasn't even over the miscarriage that happened two months back.
I loved him too much to just go back and end up damaging the relationship even more by being distant and wanting to be alone.
Way too much.
