three am thoughts.

happy.

i'm not happy.
i feel like there's so much i need to get off my chest.
but i don't know what i want to say.

one minute i'm fine and the next i'm not.
depression is a bitch.
have i ever really been happy?
it's hard to tell.

i look at myself in the mirror and i'm not happy.
not happy about my weight.
not happy about my acne.
not happy with my hair.
not happy with my teeth.

i lay awake at night thinking and i know i'm not happy.
not happy with my personality.
not happy with the way i treat people.
not happy with the way people treat me.
i feel sick.

i'm not happy.
there's so much i would love to change about myself.

i am insecure.
i know that no ones perfect but how can I believe that?
everywhere I look there are these people.
confident, beautiful, and happy.
i aspire to be like them.

i have this constant fear that people are judging me.
i think that's why I judge myself so harshly.

i'm afraid.
i'm afraid to let people in because once they see the real me, they won't like it.
i'm afraid to love because they might leave me for someone better. prettier. happier.

i am broken.
i don't know how to fix this mess i am.
i need help but i don't want to be a burden.

as I lay here, alone, in the dark,
my mind is blank.
i am numb.
i am insecure.
i am afraid.
i am broken.

i am not happy.