Never Misconceive My Struggle

   NEVER MISCONCEIVE MY STRUGGLE
           By:Christopher Lovelace

          The start of my childhood(Pt 1)
    If only my friends and family knew what life I really lived and knew how I really felt deep down inside about the life I live, At times I wonder will it end early or will I live to see my kids have kids. I can sit here and think all the way back to the day foster care started. Maybe not exact date because I was put in foster care day after I was born. And hell no I wasn't happy about that either. At times I wish I could go back and cause harm to those who caused harm to me. But that's not the right thing to do. Well at times I also believe Forget that, the harm that was done has caused me so much pain for more than 10 years. People would say to me everyday to change my thought process up.
    I wish I could just erase the past from my thoughts and memories. None of them are good and all of them are bad. Childhood memories mess my day up on a daily basis,  just from thinking back to them and reminiscing on them. Something I had to do in order to cope with feelings and pain. Childhood felt like nobody loved me and was proven to me when I couldn't seem to find myself settled in one foster home for more than a month. Or waking up to beatings for something my foster brother did or just because my foster mom's male friend or foster sister felt like it.
    Waking up to my foster cousin touching me inappropriately. Childhood days when my foster sister and cousin would force me to watch porn and do exactly what I see the male in the porn doing to the females to them. Days when me and rich didn't eat enough to fill our stomachs and while mom Evans was in one aisle in the market we would sneak and take a couple pieces of candy or cans of ravioli in the bathroom and eat them then go back to our foster mom. Childhood days when I would wake up just crying tired from all the beatings and sexual abuse, just waiting for someone to come save me and place me in heaven or in a stable home.

                   

The Start Of My Childhood (Part2)
   Tired from all the beatings,sexual abuse,multiple homes placements. At times when I wondered when my mom or dad would come get me. One morning I remember when I was in a foster group home, they said you have a special visitor Chris. And to my surprise it was my father. But even at that point I knew things weren't going to change for the better at the arrival of him. My dad still in his drug addiction which I give him mad props for tried to take care of me along with his drug addiction.
   And if my memories serves me correctly I can't recall anything bad about it. But the simple fact that housing situations did not meet DHS standards, they took me from him. But he tried more than I can say for Mary my mother, he made sure he seen me and he made sure I had a smile on my face whenever I was with him. But him being legally blind and handicap made things harder for him. I focused my anger on him and my mother Mary  but as I got older I realized I have two f**ked up parents . Now my mother on the other hand is diagnosed with bipolar disorder,schizophrenia and HIV positive.
  
Being brought into a home and family when your foster mom is only doing it for the money. Waking up in a environment with a couple other kids everyone cant be kept up with. On a day to day basis a average foster kid goes through enough emotional pain that they have thoughts of Suicide leading shortly afterwards. My mom never took parts in raising me she just tried to kill me. Not to say it like that but thats how I see it. At times I seen myself killing myself plenty of nights like way too many. But now to advance in life even though one has struggles in life you continue to live. Not having a father teach me how to tie my shoes, cook, help me with homework, help me with girl problems or even help me understand sex and have that talk with me. But Lets clear the air right now Im not looking to give any of my readers a sob story of any sort . Im just opening eyes on what hardships kids and teens have to face while being in foster care. Or just from living with your blood family. Foster kids have to deal with going from home to home and not getting the love they need as kids. Not getting the family time or time in general to learn or develop as a Being. Not being able to eat enough to keep their stomach from a slight growl or two. Might sound stupid if I say didnt have the sneakers I wanted or the clothes per\say. See it was a time where growing up in middle school and high school things switched up it went by clothes and money LOL. Meaning if you had Money and Fly clothes then you were automatically caught in the eyesight.