Book I: Lost and Found

Chapter 1: The Past, Our Past

Those warm touches left your skin; you looked to him with the lust in your eyes. "You know, my manager will call any minute now. I should get ready", he said, broke out a laugh and whispered in my ears, "(Y/N)-Chan, you should go to sleep, it's already midnight, I'll see you tomorrow." before pressed a kiss on my forehead, then headed out. But why do you have to go to work at this hour, Keii?, as I sighed, I tried to forget the loneliness and sleep through the night. Another night without him...

Unfortunately, that's was the last time we had a sleepover.

Where was he going? You may ask. He went to the studio to record for their latest TV show, 24hrs something something. Yes, he is a celebrity, a famous one, Koyama Keiichiro, the leader of NEWS – a popular boy band in Japan.

And I'm, the one who lucky enough to be his secret girlfriend, (Y/N) (L/N). I'm just an ordinary 25 years old writer. We were an item and yet I was so stubborn that we broke up. Now all I do is reminiscing the past, our past together, including suffering from the fact that I let him go...

Everything started with me, who was being cocky when I had a writer-block. He didn't even do anything wrong; he just encouraged me to see the issue in another perspective. It's was a bright day, so he came to my house, asked if I wanted to go on date with him.

"(Y/N)-Chan! It's a beautiful day today; do you want to go on date with me? Don't worry, I told the manager I took a day off." he said happily, he was hoping for a 'yes', but I turned him down. "I'm sorry Keii-Chan, the deadline is near, and I have to write a script for the editor... I'm having an idea block", I looked at him apologetically. He seemed sad a bit, but then he just smiled at me, "you know, you don't have to work yourself up too much, you're stressed. You need to relax a bit. Why don't we go out for a walk? It's may help you." But yet, I didn't realize that he was just caring for me, an action of love. Instead, I continued to reject him, "I don't think I have time for that, the editor said this is my last chance, I have to prove to him that I'm qualified to be a professional writer." Even with that rejection, he still continued to smooth my nerves, even though, it didn't turn out nicely. "You could always try to see things with different ways" he looked at the computer, "musical? Instead of writing a normal love story, why don't you try to write a sad love story of the third wheel?" As he tried to plan out the idea of the story, excitedly, yet I was fed up with the story project and that was the point when things got out hands, our relationship got out of hands, I snapped.

"Why are you saying all this? Do you even know how hard it is to write a story? You don't write the story, so how can you know what I am feeling right now?" I shouted louder. He was surprised, "I... I just want to help-"

The storm came... I didn't know how to stop it.

"How can you help me when you don't even know how things work? Why are you keeping rambling about the subject?! You know what? Get out! Get out of my house! I don't think I want to see you anymore" – After said all that cruel, stupid words, what left between us was silence. I also realized after saying all those words that I didn't meant it... I look at him, he, Koyama Keiichiro, the boy I loves so much stood there in complete shock, sadness all over his eyes...

'I'm sorry' "Keii-Chan, I didn't mean it... I'm just so tired right now... I'm not in the right mind" 'I didn't mean what I said... I'm sorry' "I think we should have a break, I -" 'what am I doing?'

"What are you saying?" he looked at me confusedly, his eyes at that time, round and teary eyes have haunted me ever since...

"I... I don't know anymore Keii, I want a break from everything to focus on this script... and maybe I want a break for us too" I hesitated, carefully chose the words when my mind was a mess. A mistake leaded to another, our lives just like a domino game. "I'm sorry, I'm not in the right mind right now Keii-Chan, I-" I didn't even finish the sentence.

"I know, you should rest (Y/N), you've overworked too much" He rubbed my head slowly, it was comfortable, peaceful. I was enjoying the comfort without knowing, this was the last time we were a thing... He continued "I think you're right, maybe a break is what you need right now... maybe even from me. I can't really help you with anything; I didn't know how hard it has been for you..."

'No... no, what are you doing? Why are you apologizing? Are you breaking up with me?'

Instead of saying what I think, I stayed silence. That was a big mistake, a mistake I can't undo, the mistake I can't fix.

"I guess this is the end for us then (Y/N). I won't be in your way anymore... good luck with your script." He smiled sadly, the pain was written all over his face.

'What is happening? Keii? Please don't leave, I really didn't mean it."

I looked into his face, "Keii, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry... I really didn't mean it"

I wanted him to stay, I want him to stay. Yet he smiled, another fake smile to cover up the pain...

"I know you didn't mean it, you were stressed. You need the break more than anyone" he hugged me, tightly. The scent of mint overflowed my veins, and then just vanished into thin air. "Travel somewhere, relax yourself, I know you can write another great story like you always do. I strongly believe that you can do it" he continued

'But I want to do those things with you", "Don't go out of my life like this Keii-Chan"

All the words played out in my head, I want him to stay, I want to show the love I have for him overtime, I want to have a further relationship with him... but I said, "Okay Keii-Chan. I will take your advice" I immediately regretted what I just said, I looked into his eyes again, they were caring, sweet brown eyes like chocolate has been the sadness casted all over. "We can still meet right? We can still be friends right? You're a really important person to me... I don't want to lose you Keii." I was on the verge of breaking down. I whispered "Why did you want us to break up?" it was so small, I don't think he can hear it.

'I don't want to lose you, not like this.'

'I miss you'

'I love you; you love me too, right? Why are we like this?'

"Yeah, we can still be friends, I don't want to lose you either..."

Just like that, we stared in each other's eyes, we said our goodbyes. And just like that, he walked out of my life, out of my sight... giving me a break, what he said, what I said. That night, I didn't receive any goodnight text from him, that when I know, it's really over. I cried, of course, who doesn't. I cried for many nights. Yet crying didn't help me in getting him back or finishing my script for the editor. After I finished it, it turned out great. In the end, the script was the entrance for me to the musical world. But I have never contacted him once... he didn't contacted me back either. I've missed him dearly. But time is a cruel one, just like how summer finds fall, how falls finds winter, as time passed... Koyama has no longer been on my mind so much like before. Instead, I keep him in the deepest place in my heart, yet the pain of remembering him still there, always painful like the time we broke up. If I had a chance to turn back in time, I would have said anything on my mind at that time. But time makes no exception, so here I am, still stuck in this boring life in the day and drowning with the guilt at most nights.
_____________________

"The morning rays of sunlight
Shone upon your sleeping face and I smiled, embarrassed.
Because we were happy then
I wish that the love I felt during those days
Would continue on till... forever."
Ai Nante
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Tegoshi Yuya (NEWS)