[This story is going to be pretty short]
1988
Love was a very tough subject for me. I never understood it. It was insane to ever imagine myself spending the rest of my life with someone I really cared about. I've had my fair share of girlfriends, but they weren't important to me at all. Simply social experiments. I just never fantasized about anyone romantically and I was okay with that.
But that all changed, my junior year of high school. I fell I love with a girl named Quinn. She was a year older than me. She transferred to my school during finals, since her family moved out here all the way from New Jersey. She instantly became well known at my school. She experienced a lot of passive aggressiveness and racist comments due to her skin color. My school was predominantly white, only 5 percent of colored people made up the population, which obviously wasn't a lot. I didn't pay attention to her much, until I began seeing her more and more everyday. She spent most of her time in the library or in the auditorium with the drama club. She was very different from anyone I've ever seen. I've seen black people before but her skin was so dark and exotic. Her features were so bold and foreign. The more I saw her the more I wanted to know about her. I didn't know why.
A month in, I didn't communicate with her at all. I kept my distance, I didn't want to be involved with her anymore.
But that soon changed when she introduced herself to me at my lockers at school. She told me she saw me around a lot and been meaning to introduce herself. I didn't really know what to say to her which was very out of character for me. I kinda just stared at her, stuttering. I eventually collected myself and had a pretty normal conversation with her. Surprisingly after that we became good friends. We started hanging out a lot. She took me to charity events, church, and even her house. I got to meet her parents and younger siblings and to my surprise, they actually liked me. I enjoyed her company a lot. More than I realized. I felt human when I was with her. It was nice to have a friend, someone to talk to and laugh with.
But this made me very paranoid. Quinn was very different from anyone I've ever met or seen. When I first laid eyes on her I felt violent, sick, and confused, though I chose not to pay attention to her. But deep down inside, I wanted to kill and taste her. I'm not the biggest fan of human meat. I personally think it's disgusting and lacks a certain taste that animals have. But she was incredibly exotic, I wanted to see if she tasted any different from anything I've ever ate. I resorted to killing small animals for months hoping that it'd give me the rush I needed. I knew resisting the urges was going to be a challenge for me, it's always been like that. But the more we hung out, the less violent I felt towards her.
January 17, 1988
Quinn and I were hanging out in her house alone on a warm lazy Sunday. Her parents and siblings were visiting their grandparents that weekend, trusting Quinn to take care of the house in their absence. Her and I sat in comfortable silence. My eyes felt incredibly heavy, due to lack of sleep the night before. She looked at me and gave me a small smile. I returned the gesture. The usual smell of the house drowned in a vanilla scented candle Quinn lit. The usual smell was very odd, it wasn't something I've ever smelt before. It wasn't gross or anything but definitely strong. I'd just assume it came from the incense that they kept next to their religious shrine. The house was warm, I didn't know why she needed to light a candle. I hoped she didn't think I' was uncomfortable with the smell.
"I'm so excited to graduate! I cant wait to finally be on the campus of Riverwoods university." She said excitedly, breaking the silence. Ah yes, I failed to mention she was attending a college in Seattle Washington. I was genuinely happy for her. She seemed pretty excited about her accomplishment. "I'm excited for you Quinn." I said, looking up at her. "You should apply to Riverwoods next year when you're a senior, they have a kickass robotics team. Though they are very competitive." She said. "I know you're into that kind of stuff." It was true. I loved robotics, but I wasn't sure if I'd want to major in that. I loved biology and health as well, anything that had to do with the inside of a living creature. "Yeah, I'll definitely look into that." I said quietly. The thought of her leaving was a little scary, but as long as she was happy I'd be okay. I rubbed my eye a bit and yawned. Damn, I was tired. I didn't have much else to say.
"You wanna nap together in my room?" She asked innocently. I didn't take that as a sexual invitation if that's what you're all wondering, I wasn't shocked about her asking me to 'sleep' with her, instead I was stunned because this was the first time I'd see her room. Her parents had firm rules about boys being in her room so she never invited me in. "I've never been in your room." I said quietly. She took me by the hand and helped me off the couch. "Yeah, I know. Bullshit rules." She rolled her eyes. She lead me up the stairs and to her bedroom. She opened the door and turned on the light. Her room was fairly simple. The walls were high and she had a white metal framed bed with floral printed blankets. Many stuff animals sat on her bed, looking almost eager to be played with. The plain white wall was overwhelmingly covered with posters, personal photos and magazine cutouts. She had a baby blue bean bag sitting in the middle of the floor on top of this fuzzy pink carpet. She had a white painted dresser drawer sitting right in the front of a huge window topped with many knickknacks and a matching nightstand with a lamp and phone resting on top. I took a good look at the room, entering slowly.
"You okay?" She asked. I quickly looked at her startled. "Huh? Oh, yeah I'm fine. Just tired." I said. I ran my fingers gently across everything I passed by. I threw myself onto her bed carelessly. I was fucking exhausted. She laid right next to me, staring up at the ceiling. It was quiet. A bit awkward but we were laying in a bed together, so that's no surprise. I felt myself drifting off to sleep. She turned to face me and began running her fingers through my hair. I opened my eyes, startled a bit. She laughed. "Sorry." She pulled her hand away.
"No, don't stop. It felt good." I said, placing her hand on my head. She smiled some more and brushed the tip of her fingers against my scalp. It felt orgasmic. I could feel myself drifting into a deep sleep.
I woke up to the sound of Quinn on the phone, "yeah mom, I will. I love you." She hung up and sighed. "Everything okay?" I yawned. She jumped, startled. "Yeah, my mom just wanted me to wash the dishes or whatever. You okay? I didn't mean to wake you." I lift myself up and stretched. "Yeah, I'm fine." I scratched my head and sighed, remaining eye contact with her. "So, do you want to go back to sleep or..?" She asked, laying back down. I laid down next to her. "No, but if you're tired I can wait for you to wake up." I said quietly. I laid on my back looking up at the ceiling. She didn't say anything, she just kept staring at me.
"Are you feeling ill?" I asked, turning my head to her. She began laughing. "No! I cant believe you're not catching my drift!"
"Catching your drift?" I said. I was genuinely confused. She began laughing hysterically, she was out of breath. "S-sorry, I don't mean to laugh! It's just so cute that you can't see the obvious. You're so naive!" I tilted my head slightly.
She grabbed my shoulders. "I like you Toby! I like you a lot! You're so interesting and out of the ordinary." She giggled. I continued to stare blankly at her. "What do you mean like? I thought we're already friends." I said. She smiled at me and cupped my face, pulling me into a passionate kiss.
I could feel my heart race and my ears started to ring. I've kissed a girl before but this time it was different. I actually wanted to kiss her, I was feeling something new, something exciting. I cupped her face and pressed my lips hard against hers. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were raw. My entire body felt hot. I pushed my body against her and gently laid her on the bed. I held her wrists and pinned them down. I pulled myself back, and wiped my mouth. She looked at me confused. "Wh-What's wrong?!" I looked down at my hand, shyly. This wasn't good at all. I finally realized what was happening, why I was so genuine towards her. I liked her a lot. She made me feel human, she didn't look at me as a piece of meat. I really didn't know what would happen if I fell in love with her. I was fucking terrified of hurting her. I began breathing very heavily. "I...can't fucking do this." I whispered. She crawled closer to me. "What do you mean?!"
"I don't think this is a good idea." I said leaning on the wall. "Why not?" She frowned. I fell silent.
"I don't think I'm capable of loving you the right way." I swallowed hard. "I'm not a good person Quinn, you don't know me like you think you do. I don't know how to love. I don't think I'm right for you." My chest felt incredibly heavy after saying that. This was so uncomfortable for me. I've never felt this way about a girl before, and I never wanted to. I didn't want to feel this way about her, I didn't want to feel responsible for someone else's emotions.
I didn't want to hurt her.
She sighed and leaned back. "Sorry Toby, I just thought you liked me." She said quietly. I bit my lip and panicked. I grabbed her face and shoved my tongue in her mouth ferociously. We made out and eventually did some other things too.
After that, it took me a week to ask her to be my girlfriend. She was incredibly happy and so was I.
