June 28, 1988
Quinn and I were dating for five months, and fortunately things were going great. We told our parents we were dating, and they were pretty excited about it. Especially my mom. She adored Quinn, and was incredibly happy over the fact that I had someone to distract me from my "habits." Quinn and I did everything together. My life revolved around her, everything was about her. I wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I didn't want to lose her.
A few weeks before June, Quinn became distant. I tried convincing myself it was because of her preparing for college but it seemed like she didn't want to talk to me. This made me feel sad, confused, insecure, and angry. Why couldn't she just tell me what was wrong? Did I even do anything? What if she was cheating on me? Questions would ring through my head and I'd begin to feel paranoid.
I couldn't help but to overthink, how could I not? This was all new so to me. I was so foreign to this feeling, half the time I had no idea what I was doing. That's to be expected, though. I have no idea what is and isn't proper relationship etiquette. Because of this, I began drinking. Alcohol would comfort me in ways my habits never could. It made me forget all my worries, though I'd have killer hangovers the next day. My urges came back, and I developed insomnia. I couldn't fucking sleep and it was driving me absolutely insane. I wanted to rip my hair out. I was beyond stressed, and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I felt stuck. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Was I in the wrong? Am I doing this right? I couldn't understand all this. I was stuck in this outlandish situation without any guidance.
I ended up murdering a woman. I didn't even bother asking for her name and I don't remember what she even looked like. It was all a blur, I was angry. I won't go into detail about that but to sum things up, I kept the body in my basement for the time being. It began to rot so I covered it with a white sheet until I felt like discarding it.
I sat on the couch with a six pack beer sitting next to me, staring at the ceiling. I was home alone with all of the lights turned off. I was on my last beer. I burped and chugged it down, throwing the can off to the side. I was becoming exceedingly dizzy. The room began spinning. Either this beer was incredibly strong or my alcohol tolerance was low. My eyes began to feel heavy and I felt like I was going to pass out.
Suddenly the doorbell rang.
My attention shifted to the door. I was in no rush to answer it. I sat there and stared at it, hoping they'd go away. I wanted to be left alone. The doorbell rang once again. I grunted, resisting the urge to get violent. I stood up and stumbled back slightly. "Go Away!" I yelled sluggishly.
"Toby!" A familiar voice called out.
I paused and tilted my head in confusion.
"It's me Quinn! Hey, can you let me inside? Its cold and wet out here and we need to talk!" She yelled over the rain. I hurried and stumbled over to the door, almost losing my balance. I swiftly opened it, seeing Quinn in a bright yellow rain coat. I kept a straight face and looked down at her. She smiled weakly. "You okay?" She asked.
I nod my head and continued to stare at her. I moved out of the way so she could come in. She entered the house slowly. I closed the door and stood there, watching her take off her raincoat and neatly hang it on the rack. She approached me slowly. It was tense.
"Hey what's wrong?" She asked. "This isn't like you Toby."
I hesitated to answer. I kept wobbling. It was hard to keep my balance when the entire room was spinning in circles and I was seeing double. My brain felt scrambled. I threw my arms around her shoulders. My knees collapsed, causing me to fall on the floor. "Toby!" Quinn yelped. I carefully stood up, trying to balance. Quinn struggled to help me on the couch.
"You seriously need to stop drinking." She sighed heavily. "Sorry." I slurred. "I drink when I'm stressed. It's a bad habit of mine."
"Why are you stressed?" She asked, resting her hand on mine. I looked at her, many emotions pulsed through me at once. I stood up and threw her hand off. "Lack of communication is all." I said quietly. She scoffed. "Is this about these past few weeks?" She asked angrily. "Yeah it is, you've been avoiding me Quinn. Why?!" I hissed. "Toby, it's not a big deal! What are getting so upset for? We're not always going to talk everyday!" She whined.
"We use to. I don't see why it'd be any different now, you're not even in college yet." I argued. She crossed her arms and frowned. "Toby, not everything is about you! I have shit I have to do!" "Oh? I'm sorry I can't be concerned about my own girlfriend. My fucking bad." I shouted sarcastically. She stood there, and scoffed at me. "So you really want to know why I've been avoiding you Toby?" She hissed. I stood there. I could feel my heart pounding. "That's what I just fucking said, isn't it?" I boomed. What she said after that was inaudible. I wanted to vomit.
I began to dig my nails into the palm of my hand. My vision was becoming blurry, the feeling of anger was overpowering all other emotions I felt at that point, I didn't care why she was avoiding me anymore by then. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I wasn't thinking clearly.
I blacked out.
I woke up in a dark cold room. My head was pounding, and my body incredibly sore. My ears were ringing, making it complicated for me to think straight. I struggled my lift myself up. My vision was still blurred, but I recognized where I was immediately. The basement. I didn't know how I got there. I tried recollecting everything once the ringing began to fade. That was until another sound grabbed my attention. It was weeping.
I felt my heart begin to race. "No no no no."
I turned my head and saw Quinn chained to a pipe. The dead body sitting next to her was revealed, brains were splattered on the floor, and there were maggots eating away at her corpse. My heart sunk. "Oh my god." I whispered to myself. I found myself in a state of panic. She looked at me and didn't say a word. I never seen her this way. She was trembling, tears running down her face and her knuckles were bleeding. I stood there trying to remember what happened. I began pacing around, trying to convince myself that this was nothing but a nightmare. It wasn't real. It couldn't have been. I'd never do anything to hurt Quinn.
So why was she in my basement?
I approached her slowly. She tried backing away. "GET AWAY FROM ME." She screamed. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? 'Sorry I tied you down in my basement next to a rotting corpse. I forgot.'
My head was pounding. I was so confused, and most of all upset with myself. How could I have let this happen? I kneeled next to her. "Quinn, I'm so sorry, I-"
"You're a murderer." She sobbed. "What is this Toby? Why did you do this?"
I bit my bottom lip. "I don't know." I said sheepishly. "YOU DON'T KNOW?!" She yelled. "You do these things because you're a fucking lunatic Toby! You're insane! Absolutely insane! What did I ever do to you to deserves this?!" She started crying again, burying her face in her arms. "I want to go home Toby." She whined. I stood up. I buried my face in the palm of my hands. I was so torn. I loved Quinn more than anything. She gave me so much, she made me feel things I thought I couldn't. She showed me what compassion and love was. She comforted me, and made me feel human.
I was tired of feeling human, it was exhausting. I knew I couldn't keep her around anymore. If I let her go, I'd get both my mom and I arrested, I'd be publicly exposed. I had to be selfish.
If I couldn't have Quinn, no one would.
I stood up and made my way upstairs, frantically searching for the red rusty tool box we kept in the backyard. I grabbed an old heavy hammer and examined it. I felt nauseous contemplating what I was going to do to her. I kept hesitating. Part of me felt excited, but the other half wanted me to surrender and take the consequences. Quinn didn't deserve to die. She was smart, caring, and compassionate. She was a good person. I didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her. I hurried to the basement. Quinn saw he hammer in my hand and immediately began to panic. She began crying hysterically, begging me to let her go. I tried drowning out her cries. I stood in front of her. My knees felt weak, I felt like I was going to collapse. I started crying. Was this really what I wanted to do? Was this the right thing to do?
Then again, I already had her here.
I took a blow to her head, she cried out hysterically. Her screams echoed the room. "Toby Stop!" She struggled to say. I continuously bashed her head in, sobbing. I wanted her to die already. I wanted her to be in peace. Blood and brain matter splattered everywhere. I could hear her skull being crushed. I couldn't stop. It felt so good. I could feel my emotions run through me all at once. Tears flooded my eyes, so I couldn't see what I was doing.
I threw myself on the floor, breathing heavily. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I wiped my face and looked up at her remains. Her face was gone, unrecognizable. I began sobbing. I wouldn't see her ever again. I'll never be able to feel her lips on mine, or her tender touches. Her laughter, her voice. It was gone. I'll never be able to tell her I love her again. I sat there crying until I had no tears left. A day later, I ate her. I ate some of the meat raw, and some of it wasn't cooked properly. She tasted so good. Her meat was tender and moist. Her parents later called me, panicking. I told them I hadn't seen her since she left my house. I discarded the rest of her remains, by acid, along with the other corpse. My mother eventually found out and had an emotional breakdown.
I fell into a deep depression, and was required to take medication for it. I attended her memorial services. Seeing her family grieve actually made me feel guilty. This was the first.
It's now 2004, I have a kid on the way by someone I don't care about. I always think about Quinn and what my life would've been like with her in it. I've decided that today was the day I finally write about it. It's been haunting me for years.
I still have pictures of us. I keep them close to me always.
I miss her so much.
-Toby
