Baby steps ∽『boy ✮ boy -EDITED

Thirty-fourth 👣-edited

     I kept staring at the door, my mind immersing in all kinds of dark thoughts. I hoped my nightmare this morning wasn't a sign something bad was going to happen.

"Carter?" I asked again, trying the handle for a few more times before starting to knock on the door.

"Hey, are you ok? Why is the door locked?"

I looked around, walking down the hall and peeking into the living room to see if Carter was there. He wasn't. The den and the kitchen were also empty.

"Carter" I called as I returned to his bedroom, "Why are you not responding? Are you still mad at me?"

I felt my face wrinkle into a frown, my senses being overcomed by worry and angst at this point.

"For fuck's sake, open this door, Carter!" I groaned worriedly, starting to pace in front of the door. Then I slapped the heel of my palm a few times on the door, feeling myself wince when my hand got numb.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Should I break the door or should I insist? Maybe Carter was just sleeping.

I sighed, deciding to call Carter. I slid my hand inside my pocket and took my phone out, opening my agenda. However I wasn't able to dial the number because the bedroom door broke open, revealing Carter in its threshold, a pair of AirPods ringing loudly into his ears and his lower body covered by a blanket. He looked up slowly and made eye contact with me, yelping in shock when he saw the scowl pulling at my lips.

"Shit! You scared me." He said, taking his AirPods off and placing them into his lap. His voice was raspy and his eyes swollen and glossy, making me realize why the door was closed.

Without any words I pushed Carter inside the room, closing the door behind us and throwing his AirPods onto the bed. Then without any regards whatsoever to his complains I sat into his lap, making sure not to touch his legs due to them still healing. Afterwards I crossed my arms around Carter's neck, leaning my forehead against his shoulder.

"Ryder, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I am giving you a hug."

Carter shook his head, struggling to break free from my embrace. Since he left the hospital he hated me touching him.

"Get off already!" He pushed against my chest, my hold automatically tightening around his neck.

"Shut up, we both need this hug." I said, curling one of my hand through Carter's hair and nuzzling my head in the crock of his neck.

Carter squirmed against my iron grip a few more minutes then realized he couldn't break free and became limp into my arms. I didn't know if holding him forcefully was a good decision, but I was becoming desperate and I didn't know how to show him I wasn't disgusted with his appearance.

We sat like that a few more minutes then I pulled away.

"I am sorry for walking away yesterday. I swear I am not feed up with you. I just- I hate seeing you suffer without being able to help you."

Carter kept silent, looking at me only when I stood up and knelt before him, holding his palms in mine. Then he averted his gaze again.

"I don't want you to shut me down, Carter. I won't feel any different about you if you cry in front of me or if you share your feelings with me. I didn't walk into your life only to run away. I became your boyfriend so I could stay next to you and support you when you needed me."

I rubbed the back of Carter's palm with my thumb, feeling his silence sting me.

"I know you need time to learn how to love your body and how to embrace this change it went through, but do you have to do it alone? Do you have to push me away only because you think you look disgusting?"