Really Short Stories!!

Hello Charlie

Where am I? One minute I'm home, waiting for my wife to cook dinner; and next 3 men burst into my home, drug my wife, put a sack on my head and carry me away.

"Charlie, my good friend how you?"

Wait, I know that voice. That preppy, British voice. And that smell. Love potion number nine. "Chasity?!?"

"Oh, dear please do not call me that. I never liked," and then she whispered, "never lived to it either. Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? Boys, you can remove the sack."

I'm in a dark, dank, wet and cold storage place. And guess who has the spotlight on them?

"Chasity, what's all this about?"

"Please, call me a supreme ruler. I'm totally kidding Charlie. Over the years you have most certainly lost your sense of humor. I would have to with a wife like that. Yeesh! Now you can call me Victoria. I chose that name some time ago. I don't know, something about that name strikes fear into people's hearts. What do you think?"

"Your face strikes fear into mine."

"Why thank you flattery will get you everywhere."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I couldn't bear it anymore, her dancing around my questions. It really pisses me off.

"Temper, temper Charlie. Patience was never your best ingredient." She gave me a wink that hinted at a back story I did not want to think about.

"I just want to talk to an old friend. Don't have many those left around."

"We parted ways and said our finale goodbyes long ago."

"Exactly so long ago, I can't even remember the date!"

"Christmas Eve." I most certainly remembered. "Approximately 15 years ago."

"Are you happy with your life Charlie?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course, I'm happy." My life is great. I have a beautiful wife, a smart son, a nice house, a steady job, and wonderful friends. With a few bumps in the road during those fifteen years, everything has come out peachy keen thank you very much.

"You're a bloody liar."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are. Your wife is absolutely horrid, she cheated on you your first and third year of marriage, you only have friends because you're their boss and you won't go any further in your company because you're a pushover and your job. You're a banker! For crying out loud. Your son is fugly and you live suburbs, shall I go on?"

I was completely and utterly shocked. Chasity, well Victoria was always brutally honest, but this. The woman is mad.

"How dare you capture me, insult my family and call my son fugly?"

"Is that really all you got from that? Ugh." She leans to one of her guards. "David would you be so kind as to get the envelope and me some Champaign. Who'd you like anything Charles?"

"No!"

She gets up and walks toward me, bending down and untying my ropes. "I really didn't want us to meet again like this Charlie. I let you go our first 6 years after parting. I spent time on me and building my empire. As you can see, I've achieved my goals. Sorry, we had to come here, my building is under renovation so too many workers to see. I kept my eye on you these past 9 years. Wanted to say hello so many times, but it was never the right time and you were always so busy.

But now, I need you, Charlie. I need your skill and expertise. Luigi Carbone put a hit out on me. A bounty is on my head and trusts no one."

Luigi Carbon? He's a mobster, but his shop is set up in the U.S. What could Victoria have possibly done to have a hit on her from the U.S to the U.K.?

"What did you do?"

"I married his cousin. He cheated so I castrated him."

"YOU WHAT!?! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND CHOPPING PENIS'S !"

"He got what he dissevered. At least I didn't kill him. Which I should have, I let him go to live with shame. Now he wants my head."

"And why am I here?"

"You've been off the scene for quite some time, your practice just a regular person. I need you to go to America and kill that son of a bitch and my ex-husband."

David returned will a glass of Champaign and a manila file. "This file can brief you on the project and this envelope contains your passport, credit cards and any other information you might need."

I opened the envelope to my new identity. Louis Robinson.

"Louis Robinson?'

"No! You are Insane! and you always have been!" How could she propose this sort of idea to me! I'm a clean man and I have been for a long time now. That life isn't for me anymore. Plus I'm an old gessier! I couldn't track and kill even if I wanted to! I'd most likely die from all the fatty smells over there in AMERICA!! (btw I love America...I'm American!)

"And you've always been dramatic! C'mon Charlie! I need your help! And you wouldn't have to kill him, just track him and keep tabs."

"That could still get me killed! I have A family VICTORIA a life!"

"Are you still thinking about them? I thought we established your life sucked?"

"Insulting me isn't helping."

"Please Charlie. I know what I've done isn't right but I don't deserve a bounty on my head! I loved my husband, just a little too much. He hurt my pride so I took his!"

She's begging now! The woman I once knew never begged. She must be really desperate.

"I need you, Charlie," she said it in a little whisper.

"Why me? I'm like the most inactive agent!"

"Exactly! You're practically not an agent anymore! Plus everyone else is dead, stuck up, or untrustworthy."

This is a huge deal, and I don't know if I'm up for this. Sleuthing, strange places, dangerous people and near death experiences...I'll have to leave my family for a while and my job. I'll miss poker nights with the guys and my mini golf lessons.

WHO AM I KIDDING!?! I've been dying to get out of my life since forever! It's so boring compared to my old one! I used to love it, but after my wife cheated the second time, I kind of just withered away into an old man.

"Alright fuck it, let's do it!"

"Really just like that?"

"Yes, why are you so surprised. Didn't you want this?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, so when do we start?"

"Woah there! First, you gotta call your wife and make up an excuse as to why you won't be home."

"Okay, can I borrow your mobile?" She has one of henchman literally throw it at me!

"It's ringing." I've been waiting on this day for a very long time.

"What are you gonna say?"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"It's Your husband. And I'm leaving you."

Then I hung up. That actually felt great! I've been unhappy with her for a while.

"Oh, Charlie I am so proud of you!" Victoria gives me a quick peck on both cheeks. "Now let's get to work Louis," An there's that infamous smile and wink. "We have to turn you into an American. First up, wardrobe! We have got to get you out of the Crosby cardigan."