Loving what can be Loved

Ups and Downs of Life

Leisl's POV

I was silent the whole time Gabriel and I were in the car. He was driving me home and it seemed like Gab asked him to do it. He didn't even say a word until we arrived at my condo, it was like he was giving me space to think of it all.

He looked at me the moment he parked his car at the sidewalk, he said, "If you need anything or maybe someone to talk to, I'm just here, okay?" I gave him a slow nod while trying to form a smile on my face. "Okay, you already have to go up while it's still early. You want me to come with you?" he asked with a concerned voice.

"No, I'm fine," I said emotionless right before I opened the door and went out.

While I was walking to the stairs, he suddenly appeared in front of me saying that he'll walk me up. His hand was on my back, supporting me all our way to my unit. When we were already in front of the door, he said, "So... goodnight. I'll just see you tomorrow at school okay?"

I again gave him a slight smile in reply and he let me go in first before he left.

When I went inside, the lights were closed so I thought my brother still wasn't there, but I suddenly heard his voice saying, "Why are you often out late at night these past few days?" as he opened the lights.

When he saw my face, his reaction suddenly changed into a calmer one. I bet my eyes really looked swollen and some tears were still falling. He didn't say a thing and didn't even scold me, he just asked me to sit beside him on the couch.

We were sitting beside each other and I still haven't looked straight into his eyes since I stepped foot here. He suddenly stood up and after a few seconds, he offered me a glass of water. I accepted it and took a sip.

"Was it Gab?" he asked unsurely.

"Kuya, Gabriel and I are just friends," I told him for the nth time.

"Was it because of him that you don't entertain any guys who have feelings for you?" he asked calmly. "Was it because of him that you don't have feelings for Gabriel?" He paused for a while then continued, "Was it because of Gab?"

I was so startled to hear that from him, I wasn't sure if I was hearing the right words from his mouth or not so I asked nervously, "W-What did you say?"

"I asked you if all of these are because of Gab, and not Gabriel," he cleared. "I knew, yes Leisl, I knew. When I went to Gab's place and saw your drawing... I also saw Gab keeping a picture of you inside his wallet, and we guys don't just put our cousin's picture inside our wallet. It was hidden inside but since my hand bumped to it and it fell while he went to the restroom, I saw it all. He kept it all there, your pictures together with him. And believe me, not even a single picture of his girlfriend was there, it was all just you and him... together."

"I'm—I'm sorry," was all that I could say while only facing the floor. "I know I was—"

"I was really shocked because I just saw your pictures in his wallet and your most cherished design was hanging on his bedroom wall. What could that possibly mean? I wanted to just run to him and ask him to explain but I didn't because you came into my mind. I knew that you've long had a misunderstanding and that just nights before I visited him, you two managed to fix it and you became friends again. I saw how it changed you, you were laughing more and more and more as time passed by. You were somehow going back to the old you wherein you were jolly and always smiling every day as if the world had no problems. So I just put my trust in him and pretended that I didn't know anything. At the same time, I wanted to observe you two to really make sure that my suspicion was true, and it turns out, it is."

Tears kept on falling from my eyes because at the same time I didn't expect my brother to understand and to not get mad at me from what I did. His understanding me, really somehow melted my heart and made me realize that I had a family whom I could lean on and understand what I'm going through.

He offered me a hug while saying, "Don't worry, I'm gonna talk to Gab."

"No kuya, he has no fault at all... in fact, it was all mine. I was the one who decided to end it all up because I knew that it was the right thing to do and that sooner or later, if we decided to continue this, things will just get much worse."

I told him everything that happened from the start, how my feelings started and up until now. We've spent the whole night talking with each other. I've made him promise not to tell anyone about this and not to tell Gab that he already knows everything.

I wanted to keep things normal in my family, I didn't want to be selfish and ruin our family just because of the feelings that we have for each other. I couldn't just think of myself and my feelings, I also have to think of them, of the people whom I love.

I love my family, I even shifted course for the family business. If that's where they're happy, then I would gladly agree with them. I did everything for them and that's why I wouldn't hurt them just because of these selfish feelings inside of me.

I was so lucky for having a brother who really, truly understood me. I was also lucky for having a friend like Gabriel who always had my back in everything.

I'm happy, I'm already happy for having been given the opportunity to spend time with Gab even for just 5 days. I'm happy and I'm already contented with it, I have to be. The laughter and the love, those are the memories that I will cherish and keep forever.

Now that I've already got it, I should now be satisfied for everything. I should now STOP.

If you like someone who can't be with you, whom you know that whatever you do, still can't be with you, then you'd rather stop hoping. Because you might just be wasting your time hoping and hoping and hoping until you realize that there's really nothing you could do about it. So the only choice that's left behind is just to accept, accept everything and everyone whom you can be with. Learn how to accept.

Also, learn how to stop. Learn your limitations. It's not about settling for less, but it's about accepting what's right even if it'll not give you that much. Because that something that you considered 'less,' but was actually right, will surely someday become greater than the 'great' that you've ever imagined before.