Lmao i feel strange (journal entry excerpt) VENT

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by Littlanonymous

by Littlanonymous

8:50 PM May 26th

I don't know what I'm feeling. Sadness. Longing. Nostalgia.
I don't know
We are leaving California and heading back home.
Something about it makes me feel like crying.
I wish I could sit on the chair outside listen to the ocean forever but I have to go home eventually
And that makes my heart hurt
I no longer yearn for the company of another person, but instead for something big. Something to make me feel full again.
I have scattered moments where I feel good. Like good (I'm sure there's a better word to use but I don't want to). Like when I am out with family and everyone is laughing and my stomach is full and nothing is bothering me. Or, like right now, when I am left alone to watch waves and listen to rain, it feels like good.
But even then, I remember. I know that even the happy must end. A different sense of reality sets in.
The reality that I probably won't ever feel reality again.
I don't want companionship anymore, daydreams fulfill my fantasies quite alright.
I want
Something else.
I feel like a whole piece of me is missing and I don't know what it is.
It's always summer when I realize this. When I have no stress or celebrations to distract me, I remember how strange I feel. Everything feels like it could fade away so fast. I feel like I could wake up any moment, not to anything better but, to something real.
I'm too young to be feeling so detached from everything.