For you, Eren.

The History of Us

It's been two years now, but it feels much longer than that. Time has done nothing but rub my loneliness in my face. I dream of your face even when I am awake, is it selfish for me to wish for your reincarnation to put your soul on this barren earth? It's dark even when the sun shines, but this sun isn't my sun. This is an impostor called last minute, you were my sun. I wonder if you are cold too.

I went to our old coffee shop for the first time alone today. I went in ready to order a latte, but then changed my order to plain black. The bitterness of it reminded me of the first time I met you. Clear as day, I see you walk up to me all cheeky smile, torso wrapped in a hunter green Henley, my coffee in hand. Or so I assumed because you weren't wearing a name tag and were looking at me like I paid off all your student loans, asking me if I wanted to take a survey.

I almost reach out and see if you're real, but I know by the bags under my eyes that stare at me in my reflection that you're not. I should've said no and taken my latte; a cheeky smile has never taken my anywhere worth while until you. I wish I could say that the rest is history, but that is a phrase used only for happy endings. We almost had one. You handed me my latte and you asked if I could try it right there because you were "new to the latte thing." I took a small sip and almost spit it all over your hunter green Henley, it was the worst latte I'd ever had.

I opened the lid to see black coffee and there was a knowing smile growing in your face. I realized you probably had a cheesy pickup line and I almost wanted to humor you, but that smile was too precious to be meant for me. I asked if you even worked there and you admitted that you dropped your nametag in a cup of coffee this morning. A few bad jokes later, you admitted that it was my latte that you dropped it in.

I'm freezing even in two of your sweaters and you bunny slippers. My heart aches. I drove to the cemetery and put three of my favorite blankets on your grave and sat with you. I didn't want you to be cold and I didn't want to be alone anymore.

You tell me your name is Eren and I laugh because it's so pretty and you're so pretty and smiling couldn't do my happiness justice. I couldn't believe you were talking to me, you leaned in like you were going to tell me the world's biggest secret only to whisper that my eyes remind you of a "raging snowstorm, I didn't know that color of blue could be put into eyes." Then you lean back with a grin and say you've been waiting weeks to tell me that.

The look on my face must've told you that isn't something you usually tell people you've never met, "You've been here everyday for the past month and I just think the word beautiful wouldn't do you justice" You were scared to talk to me until you thought of the perfect line, that was the first time I actually felt my heartbeat. I took a big gulp of the coffee and for the first time, I embraced the strong flavor. I knew from then on, anything bitter would remind me of you.

I learned quickly that you spoke with the excitement and tact of a five-year-old. You didn't think before you spoke, so all I received was pure, unadulterated Eren. People like you were so rare; how did you find me beautiful? You were such a nerd and I couldn't help but feel honored to see your smile. I wanted to be the cause of that smile. After that day, we started meeting at the bookshop on the corner which was my favorite, and I guess yours too. The world through your eyes was colorful and mine was grey, I often found myself wondering if your sight was contagious. Your smile was engraved in my mind and it slowly became the reason I woke up on the hard days.

I was a mess when you were here, what am I now? I couldn't tell you; I don't even feel like I'm existing anymore. Why am I still here, why aren't you? Where are you?

The first time you saw the bruises, you were livid. Your eyebrows were furrowed, and I swear your eyes were black, but I wasn't scared of your anger, not even a little bit. You told me you couldn't believe anyone would want to hit me, didn't know how someone could even feel anything besides affection towards me. I was a deity to you. You told me you were sorry again and again instead of saying that you were going to fix everything because we both knew you couldn't.