did you know I was going to kiss you that night we were at the cinema?
we stood under a street lamp and we were about to say goodbye, so we just stood there, looking at each other and saying nothing. I really contemplated kissing you at that moment. I didn't though, because I was so afraid. even though we were a couple at that time and it should be relatively normal to kiss your partner, right?
I've been thinking about kissing you often lately and I don't know why. I mean, I know why I'm thinking of it, but I meant why you came back into my life. have you an idea of how much I missed you in the time we barely spoke? sure, I've been hiding it and tried myself not to think about you, but I still missed you even if I didn't admit it to myself.
Writing this is really scary, because the moment it's on the paper I can't deny it anymore, but I also get to think about it. A friend said I didn't work up my grief of mom's death, I buried it somewhere deep in my mind and am emotionless now. I often use this as an excuse for everything I don't feel, but it could really be.
I want to know if this state I'm in is all I can feel of love. if yes, I really want it to go away. I wanna feel emotions again. I guess writing down my emotions is a good start.
Writing this makes my heart beat really loud and fast. maybe it's because I'm scared and afraid, maybe it's because I get to face my feelings towards you. something I always tried to avoid. sure I talked to friends about some things but I didn't actually believed what I said, what their opinion was or what it could mean. instead I focused on your actions to avoid thinking of my own.
-
yes friends, that's it for the first part, what do u think? should I keep this up idk lol
