After writing the previous text my head was empty and to be honest, it still is.
I'm listening to the CD you gave me for my 15th birthday. if I remember correctly I never actually listened to it, I knew the songs though.
right now "smells like teen spirit" by nirvana is playing. it's such a great song.
I actually have no idea what I should write, I just had the need to write something down, kind of talking to you, without really doing it, because I don't think it would interest you and even if it would, I am still too afraid that when you know about my feelings for you, you will finally stop talking to me.
and even though our relation isn't the best right now I couldn't live with losing you a second time.
I know that one day it will become real and we won't talk at all anymore, but that's just another reason to appreciate the now, isn't it?
I know I'm pathetic, but honestly, can you blame me?
even though I'm afraid of being honest with you I really do want to tell you that I'm confused and unsure about my emotions, about you and everything else regarding this.
it may seem stupid, but you are the person I trust the most, you are the person I think of first, if there's something I want to share, you are the person I keep thinking about.
all this time I tried so hard to get over this and you, but I'm not strong enough.
I thought I had had enough time, but since you returned into my life, I can't deny the fact that all my attempts to forget you were effortless.
and I can't even be mad at you, because I (still) like (?) you too much so all my heart and head can think of is you.
every time we see each other and say goodbye all I want to do is cry.
I used to claim our relationship three years ago wasn't a real relationship and I always said, when someone asked, that I have never been in a relationship, but after our cooking session when you would always make jokes about the relationship, I started to stop being ashamed of it and started to say you were my first boyfriend.
I haven't stopped adding a "but it was only platonic" when I talk about it.
"I'll never say 'I wish I never met you', because you were the best I had at that time" is a quote I read somewhere. oddly it fits and helped me being more self-conscious and stopping to deny it.
in that sense, I'm glad you were my first boyfriend ever. :-)
-
yea. it's weird writing this, I think I've never put so much emotion into one of my works before...
