Snapshots | Twice

Momo - The letter

A/N: WARNING: Graphic descriptions and mentions of self harm, depression and suicide. Viewer discretion advised.

She stood alone in the centre of the room. She felt strangely calm. Very different to how she had been feeling for the past few years. 

She wondered what she would do in her last hour of life.

Maybe she would walk around the dorm and poke around in everyone's things. They wouldn't care after she was dead. Maybe she would go to the fridge and eat the rest of Tzuyu's pudding. She wouldn't care after she was dead. Maybe she could download some questionable videos onto the television and leave them playing. That might be funny. She could imagine her dead body lying there with the television blaring sex noises. What would they think of me then?

She thought of a lot of things that she could do in an hour, but decided to go to Dahyun's bed instead.

She stood in front of it for a while. Just standing there. Just looking. The sheets were still crumpled and her pyjamas were strewn across the mattress. They looked a bit like a dead body. Momo laughed at the coincidence. That would be her soon.

She soon found herself lying on the sheets. She ran her fingers over them gingerly and pulled the covers up to her nose. They smelt like her. 

There were so many memories in this bed. So many moments.

She lay there, motionless for a while. She wondered what Dahyun was doing right now. She wondered if she was worrying about her. She wondered if Dahyun even cared that Momo would kill herself.  She wondered if anyone would care.

She was in a daze. She found her body in the kitchen. Tzuyu's pudding was gone in an instant.

She went to Jeongyeon's draws and stole that pair of shorts she had always wanted to wear and shoved them under her pillow.

Nobody would notice after she was dead.

There were ten minutes left. Momo looked at the clock on the wall and then the wave of anger hit her.

She hated herself. Suicide was selfish. She was pathetic for choosing such an option. Didn't she realise what this could do to the group? Wasn't she aware that she would hurt so many more than just herself?

She reached for the knife that had been in her back pocket. 

She wanted to hurt someone. She was so, so angry. But there was no body here to hurt.

The wave of anger passed as quickly as it came and was replaced with an intense anxiety. There were five minutes in which she could tie up any loose ends.

She found herself texting Sana. No reply.

So she left a small message to Tzuyu, and ripped a page from a notebook she had lying on the floor under her bed.

She had so much to say. But she couldn't put it into words.

All she wanted to say was: Don't blame yourself, Dahyun. Because she knew that the girl would beat herself up about this for the rest of her life.

She placed the note on the bed and took the knife in hand. 

The pain when she sliced through her wrists was riveting. A smile came to her lips when she felt her head reel with dizziness. 

She rang Mina. There was no reply.  And she cried.

Jeongyeon found her lying on their bedroom floor only ten minutes later.

She watched Momo's life slip away right before her eyes.

The note she had left behind was short. Most of it had been scribbled out. 

Hi guys,

This may be a shock to all of you, and I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.

I couldn't think of

I wish I could

I didn't

Please don't

Don't blame yourself, Dahyun.

I'm so sorry.

Momo

But Dahyun blamed herself.