cursing out the moon ➵ a.b.

Chapter 29: Speaking From the Grave

Dear Russy,

I guess this is it. I'm actually going to do this. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my lovely velvet rose. You are too perfect to be human; I am sure that in your next life you will be reincarnated as a goddess of some sorts. Perhaps emotion; the color red; passion; motherhood.

I never liked goodbyes, but I guess this piece of paper and the words inked on it will be ours.

By the time you read this, I'll be dead. A noose around my neck, possibly; pills, maybe. I haven't decided yet. It has come to my attention--through all things good, great, and glorious--that true love does, in fact, exist, and my true love is dead. I haven't told you, but Andy passed away a couple weeks ago. Cause of death was electric shock--his heart was weakened by the very thought of me, and it gave out when the surge from his mic hit him. Jude died, too. I'm currently residing at Eden's place, all grudges pushed aside; you know, he really isn't a bad guy.

People may think ill of me or see me as a weak soul when they will remember me. I guess they're somewhat right. I was weak--not when it came to the thought of suicide--but when it came to my own life. I sucked at life--never did good in school, never chased my ambitions, bummed off other people--and my punishment was that my true love be taken from me. The deadly sin of sloth had consumed me since conception; I never had a fighting chance.

My life was a drag--I was weak. Perhaps in death, if I plunge into it headfirst, will treat me better. And truly, I never will die. My soul and essence will be recycled over and over, giving birth to creatures who actually are productive and deserve to live. In death I will become so much more than I am--I will become art. Do not think of me as void when I die; in fact, I will be closer than you think.

In some weird way, I wish for people to see my death as a strong thing to do. I was so weak in life that this should come as a surprise. Even in death, I will seek cheap attention, wandering like a man in Vegas, hookers on either side of him. In reality, it is easy to pull a trigger, but when the gun faces you, it is a completely different story. Though death in that manner can be achieved with one thought, command, and a swift motion, the commencing of those actions take strength I have only seen in the eyes of my mother. I wish to feel the surge of strength and power like a lawfully evil tyrant, or a berserker on a rampage. I guess I will taste it soon.

So, as it seems, justifying my death was easier than I thought it would be.

I love you, Russy. I love you.

Love, Alex

____________________________________________________

Dear Karliah,

This letter is going to be a hard one to construct. Thing is, I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I guess what I really want to tell you is that I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble for all these years; thank you for putting up with me.

Well, Karl, I don't need to be poetic with you. You like things delivered to you in an upfront manner, like me. So I guess there's no reason to say this is a suicide letter--you're intelligent, and you must have inferred that already.

I have decided to end my existence for reasons that will go unnamed to you. Don't ask Russy for the truth--you'll think ill of me and will see me as a coward. Let's just say that I have now realized that I wasted my gifts, and I'm passing on my energy to the universe, and eventually, if I am lucky, another life form. Your sadness will only kill my soul even more. It will be free--Jude has taught me that.

Please forgive me. You'll see me again someday; I promise.

Love, Alex

____________________________________________________

Dear Jake,

I never knew you much, but thank you for warning me about Andy. I shouldn't have fallen in love with the man; I should've been more cautious.

Thank you for making my life a pleasant one.

Love, Alex

____________________________________________________

Dear June,

My mother was a woman who taught me to say nice things and nice things only. "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all," she would tell me. I believe for you I'm going to make an exception. But let me make this clear: our goodbye will not be completely filled with me insulting you. I have many reasons to be thankful for you as well.

First, the good in you. You tried your very best to protect me against the forces of nature and love. You were right: I was naïve. You were a great friend, but a little too overbearing. But that's the June Collingwood I know and love: mine.

And now, the evil. You made me believe that Eden was an evil man, and to be fair, I saw him as one too. We've mended what wounds we still possessed from our toxic relationship, and I currently reside in his manor.

June, you could read me like a book. If you were here, you would have certainly stopped me at least a few days ago and asked if I was having suicidal thoughts. You just...had a knack for those types of things. You could read emotion, but you could not feel it. You were gifted. You have the same traits as an interrogation worker.

I will not tell you the true reason behind my death. You'll never know. I have instructed Russy to never tell you. Do yourself and I a favor: never search out my secrets after I'm gone. Let my essence live on in peace.

Sincerely, Alex

____________________________________________________

Dear Eden,

You probably ran into my body--it was slaughtered by the girl who lived inside of it, and her demons. I'm sorry you had to see it, Eden, my dear friend.

Let me make this clear: none of this was your fault. Never in a million years will it be. Ever.

There are other letters on the table in your bedroom. Please give them out to the certain people enlisted on the envelopes.

One is made out to Andy. Please put it in my coffin.

To explain to you why I wish to die would be hard for you. If you want the hard truth, look at Russy's letter. If you want a shady version, look at Karliah's.

Tell your girlfriend she's a sweetheart. She will always pass as a true woman in my heart.

I love you, Eden. My once lover. My gorgeous savior. My once enemy; my now successor.

Love, Alex

____________________________________________________

Dear Andy,

I'm sorry. For one reason.

I'm sorry I never told you how much I love you.

Love, Your Little Periwinkle

____________________________________________________