cursing out the moon ➵ a.b.

Chapter 30: La Douleur Exquise

Jude Heavensgale once told me that when you truly love someone, that love will transcend time, space, light, and even the void.

Jude Heavensgale was right.

I felt love from Andy, even if his soul had carried on. His essence was drifting somewhere near me, but there was no way I was going to catch it. To see him again, I had to end my life. There was nothing else I could do. I was hellbent on it.

I remember the moment I placed my suicide letters on Eden's desk in his bedroom. That moment he decided to walk in, and by the gods, he saved my very life.

"Alex?" he questioned me, moving closer. "What're you doing in here?"

I froze. I turned to look at him, caught in my act. "Nothing..." I tried to say something else, but my tongue would not flick as instructed.

"What're those?" he motioned at the letters.

I stood in front of them. "They're not to be read. Not yet, at least."

He gawked at me, trying to understand. "Let me see them," he commanded.

"Why?"

"Alex, you will let me see those letters."

"Who says I will?"

He squinted his eyes, squeezed his fists, and simply walked over. I squeaked with fear, stepping back since he had an angry look in his eye.

He grabbed the letters, shuffling through them. "One's for me," he announced. "And...there's one for everyone." He looked up at me, and all I could do was stare back.

He opened his, and pulled out the letter. He read the first sentence, and proceeded to drop the letter and turn to me as furious as ever. "Alexander Frost, are you planning a suicide?"

"Tonight, actually. And you can't change my mind."

He softly grabbed me, shaking me. "No. Think of what you're doing. Think of everyone."

"I have no one who loves me here. There's no reason to live."

He was silent for a brief moment. "Well, I love you," he said in a genuine manner. "You can't die. You have talent to share with the world."

"No one will like my plays."

"I loved them."

"So did Andy. That only proves that boys who are in love with me like them. The public probably won't be so nice."

"Alex..."

"Hmph..."

"Anyway, I came in here to ask something simplistic."

"What is it? Make my last hours enjoyable, please."

"Shut up with that type of tone! Please forgive me for this question: my girlfriend wished for me to ask you. She was wondering why you never used your pads."

"Pads?"

"You know...the ones you bleed on. I bought you them six weeks ago? You said your period was due. You never opened them. She's concerned."

What was this fool blabbering ab--oh no. No. No, it couldn't be. That period, did it come? Yes. No! Yes. No! No! It did not! Was it my body? Had I just forgotten? Was I just too melancholic to function correctly?

"Alex?" he asked me again. "Alex?"

"I'm pregnant."

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I took a test an hour later, and it was true. Eight weeks pregnant and I hadn't even noticed. My mind was so preoccupied with other things that I lost track of reality. Eden truly saved my life.

Now, as for the child and myself...there was no way I was ending my life with a small child inside of me. I had to protect it. It was Andy's child; Andy's beautiful child. It is why I felt Andy's love: it was inside of him, inside of me.

Andy would want me to love the child. Andy would want me to do everything in my power to watch it grow and prosper. Was I mother material? By the gods, no. And that is why I booked a trip to Boston the following week.

I greeted my mother there, and soon after told her my story. She cried and wept, not for me, but for the child with no father. The child was going to be like me: fatherless. She accepted me, and told me she would help me raise it, and I couldn't have been happier.

I met the girls later on. Russy was overly-excited, and happy as I was expecting. Karliah was more or less curious, but did not ask too many questions. And June just gave me a giant ole, "I told you so."

No matter what they said, I was the happiest I could have ever been. This child was the greatest gift I had ever received: my life saver, an inspiration, and a reason to stay ambitious.

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(A/N: There will be an epilogue, do not worry!)