Dec. 19, 2010,
I cant believe that im actually listening to my therapist. If any of my friends find this ridiculous journal, im screwed. I guess im supposed to write about my feelings now, so here goes nothing. I'm Jay. I'm 14 years old. I'm a freshman in high school. My friends have always called me "Faggot," or "Queer," but I try not to take it too personally. I'm a whole bundle of fucked up emotions, but hey, gotta keep a smile on my stupid looking face. Gotta keep everything positive. I play hockey, and I hate football. I spend all of my other time doing a butt-load of homework, or having my face burried in a book. I like music a lot. Classics mostly, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Def Leppard, Pink Floyd, you get the gist. People judge me for that, too, but at least I'm not listening Katy Perry or whatever her name is.I dont have a particularly large group of "Friends" per say. I have about 3 real friends. Cathrine, Brody and Jaden. Catherine is smart, like, smarter than most of the assholes in my grade put together. Brody is really into band. He plays the clarinet, three different types of saxophone, and the french horn. He's the species that the other kids refer to as a "Band Geek," but to me, he's Brody. And Jaden, Jaden has to be the one I'm closest to out of the trio. Quite frankly, Jaden is pretty freaking awesome. He plays soccer, he likes to read, and we share the burning hatred of math. I on the other hand, am not special at all. I am in Algebra I, French 2, and general education classes for all the others. My favorite subject has to be English, but I hate writing. I really only like it for my teacher. She makes everything a bit easier for me. We have a pretty good teacher/student relationship. She gives me books, I read them. I like her class because it helps me escape my ever running mind. Living 1,000 lives is better than living 1 terrible life. The thing about me that no one seems to understand, is that I like to be alone, but I hate being lonely. I would chose to be by myself over than hanging out with other people, but if I'm alone too long, I'm left to thought. And when I'm left to thought, things get bad.
End of entry 1
Dec. 25, 2011
Christmas day. Whoopdy-fuckin'-doo. There is honestly no way in hell that today feels like Christmas. I ruined it for most everyone apparently, considering I broke up with the only girlfriend I've had in all of my years today. She just kept telling me to get it over with. Anywhoooo, sorry for being away for almost a year, but my parents took me out of therapy. I've started to feel a bit better about myself, surprise surprise. But its winter again, and things are cold, dark, and sad. 'No way', you may think- considering Christmas season and all of that joyous shit. But the thing is, as the days get shorter, so do my tempers. The time for adventure is ending, as you watch your freedom being stripped from beneath you. In English right now, we're writing for this competition thing about a book that changed your life, and its making me realize how much I truly have changed since last year. I mean, not looks, but more my outlook on life. I'm just realizing that I apologized to a journal. Whatever, this could help me untangle my knotted mind. Breaking someone's heart is hard. You know that you have to do it to feel better about yourself, but at the same time you picture the person crying, blaming themselves for your selfish acts. But after, you feel better. Not immediately, but its been about an hour and a half. Its almost the 26th though so a fresh slate would be much appreciated. At first it was hard to see through my pathetic tears, and then when I started looking in the mirror, I realized that my eyes are still blue, and that i still have an asymmetrical head. And for some reason, it made me realize that I did the right thing, for me at least. But for her, I honestly haven't got a clue how shes going to tell herself that its okay, and for that, and dumping her on Christmas, I feel like a dick. Because I am one.
End of entry 2
