There's A First Time For Everything

Insurance

"So let me get this straight. You've loved Roland since you guys were in your twenties and you've never told him?"

Charlton and Curt were sitting alone in the airport café, a few hours before boarding time.

"It's more complicated than it sounds," Curt replied. 

"Is it, though?" Charlton stirred his cup, eyeing his friend skeptically.

"Yes! I mean, it's not like I could just come out with my feelings and everything would magically work out!"

"Why not?"

"We had too much going on! We were young and with our whole careers ahead of us. Then just like that, we became famous, and we were suddenly stuck working hours a day together. No free time, no space... And well, you know what all that lead to."

Charlton nodded.

"Did the split-up help?"

"I really thought it would, and I guess it did for a while. I thought I'd never have to see him or deal with those feelings again. But when we got back together, I could still sense them there. I was just never able to put them into focus."

"And so you just let them go?"

"I more ignored them, really."

Charlton gave him an unconvinced frown.

"Somehow I can't see you just settling for that. That's too rough. I mean, look at you now. I rarely see you this worked up, so how did you not say anything for so long?"

Curt paused for a moment, swishing the coffee around in his cup as he thought to himself.

"Truth is... I guess I'd made up a kind of insurance about it in my head."

"Insurance?"

Curt sighed.

"Roland and I have been together for so long. We've known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, started a band, fought, drove each other nuts- still drive each other nuts, really. We know each other better than we know ourselves. So to me, we were already together in that sense. Already an item. Roland was already..." Curt winced as if the realization was finally, truly sinking in. "Already mine..."

Charlton stared at his friend sympathetically, not knowing what to say. He didn't need to wonder for long though, as Curt suddenly set his cup down on the table and stared him in the eyes, his own filled with frustration and pain.

"I wasn't expecting this, Charlton. I really wasn't. Maybe I'm a bloody fool, but I thought that that insurance was all I'd ever need." His voice was soft and defeated.

"Man...Curt...."

"I just never thought a time would come when I'd lose my chance. I mean, fuck! This is Roland we're talking about, isn't it? Yet look at how happy he looks, now! He's blushing, he's giggling, he's distracted! I never thought some random guy would come and sweep him off his feet!"

Charlton shook his head.

"All of us were surprised, Curt. I think we'd all made the same assumption about him. But he does seem pretty happy. So what are you gonna do now?"

"God, I don't know. Keep pretending to not know? Yes, I think I'll do that. Roland couldn't be bothered to tell me about his special someone, anyway." Curt spat bitterly.

"Are you going to tell him how you feel?"

Curt sighed and put his head in his hands. 

"I don't know, okay? This wouldn't be the best time, methinks." 

"Bottling it up and making yourself miserable won't be good for you or Roland, either."

"I'm aware of that."

Charlton put his hand on his friend's shoulder. 

"Well whatever you do, keep this in mind: he might be some random guy to you, but to Roland, he isn't. I don't know when they met or how, but Roland seems to know him, and he really, really likes him."

"Well that's all hunky-dory," Curt hissed, and took the last sip of his coffee. "But I don't know him. I just know that he doesn't know Roland like I do. He never will." He stood up, threw the cup in the trash, and walked off.

---------------------------

After walking around a bit to cool himself off, Curt made his way back to the waiting area. As he walked, he thought about what Charlton had said- how bottling his feelings would hurt both him and Roland. He knew he was right; he could feel the anger and bitterness simmering within him like a stew. It wouldn't take much for it to boil over. It would probably show on his face; he would sulk, maybe even act out, and Roland would know something was wrong. But if he told him now, he risked something far worse: hurting the man he cared for and ruining his happiness. He would have to keep it inside, at least for now. 

In the meantime, he was anxious to know more about this guy in Roland's life, but he decided he wouldn't ask questions. Yes, he would keep playing dumb to Roland. He wanted Roland to tell him, himself.

He arrived where most of the band were sitting around and slumped into one of the chairs. His eyes once again found Roland, who was laid back in another seat sleeping, an open book resting on his chest. Curt watched him adoringly, all while his heart ached.

Roland... Who is this lucky man who's won you over?

Is he good to you?

Does he respect you?

Does he know how to take care of you?

Because I just don't think I can trust any other man with you...