Trauma

Him and only him

The woman stared at him, her eyes wide. She seemed just as surprised and shocked as Bucky and Steve were. All three of them were somehow surprised by what they had expected to happen anyway. Even the dog stirred, apparently sensing the change in the atmosphere. Feeling the tension building up between Steve and Bucky. Feeling the shaking of the woman.

All of the involved people stayed quiet for a while, not knowing what to say or do, just staring at each other in sudden awe.

"I... Your... Your decision is honourable, mister, but I am not sure that he can be helped. Sometimes souls are beyond repair" , the woman sighed, finally breaking the tense silence, "Don't get me wrong, I would love to know him to be alive. Really alive. Alive in a way he hasn't been here. I would love to know that he is being loved by somone in the way he deserves it. Because he really does. But ... He is so damaged, so beaten, so hopeless... I don't think that anyone will ever be able to give him back his energy and his will to live. No offense."

"There's always hope!" , snapped Bucky, feeling the anger build up in his veins. There had been hope for even him. There was hope for this dog.

"You don't know what he has been through, mister. He has been to war, no one can imagine what war is like if they haven't been part of it" , she sighed, her eyes full of tears. Bucky could clearly see that SHE had not been through war. She did not have any experience. She was just talking. It irritated him.

"It's a good thing that I've been to war then" , Bucky hissed, staring the woman dead in the eye, "Sergeant Barnes at your service, m'lady." She should know that he felt angry, insulted somehow.

The woman took a step back, surprise in her eyes. And then hope. There was hope in her eyes too. And Bucky knew that he had won her over. She would hand him this dog. He would take care of it. She believed in him. She trusted him to make this dog feel better. She trusted him with this dogs life. Good thing she didn't know everything about his past.

"So you have dealt with highly traumatised people?" , asked the woman, tilting her head a little. Her expression was open, happy. It was the first time that Bucky payed attention to her looks. She was as blond as Steve and had her hair tied up in a messy bun. She had a thin face, small ears and a curvy body. She, for sure, was attractive. For people who were attracted to women anyway. Bucky was no kne to judge here.

"Yes, he has dealt with highly traumatised people, in fact, he is a highly traumatised person which makes him a bad therapist. In my opinion. Bucky! We talked. You swore. No damaged dogs!" , intervened Steve. He seemed to be just as angry as Bucky had felt. Oh oh. Bucky really wanted this dog. Really.

He spun around on his heals to look at his boyfriend.

"Listen, Steve, and listen closely for what I have to say is important. I have been at the point where this dog is right now. And then you showed up. And you got me out of it. I didn't have any hope left. I wanted to die, Steve. I didn't see any purpose in life anymore. Despite that I am still here today. Look at me, I am very much alive. Because, even though I couldn't see it, there was something that it was worth living for, I just couldn't see it. And now I am willing to save the damaged soul of this dog because no one deserves to be where he is at the moment. Because there is something worth living for it can't quite see at the moment. He is just like me and this is why I want to save him!" , Bucky spit at Steve, shaking a little with rage. He had never told Steve. That he had wanted to die back then.

Steve's expression changed from angry to shocked, his eyes were as big as plates as he stared at his boyfriend. But the shock didn't stay for long and anger rose again. His brows furrowed, his forehead wrinkled and then he snapped.

"You couldn't manage to cure yourself until today. You are not fully recovered, not fully healed yet! I am not blind, Barnes. Not matter how hard you try to hide it, I can still see it! There is no way that you will be able to heal this dog's soul! I know that some people say that broken souls can patch each other up but I strongly disagree! You are broken, Bucky, severly broken. You can't take care of someone who's just like you. You proved this over and over again. Every single day! You are not willing to get help for yourself but to force it upon others who are clearly not keen on being rescued. Just. Like. You." , Steve was breathing heavily, clearly trying to hold his anger back. The anger that he had kept quiet all those years. The anger about Bucky not telling him about his lowest point in life.