Made Up

Chapter 18

Charlie POV
     The ride home is extremely quite compared to the one the day before. Bonnie understands that I'm upset and she doesn't make me talk about it. I feel bad that I freaked out and all but ruined her chances with surfer dude.
   I can't believe they wrote a song about me. I haven't listened to it outside of the club and I haven't read anything about it but I know it's about me. I don't know how I feel about the situation. I guess in a way I'm flattered. I mean I never in a million years thought I would have a song written about any thing I done. Maybe
I should actually listen to the song before I decide if it flattering or not. What if the rest of it goes you're the perfect slut or something like that.
   If I'm honest I'm also mad at them. All I wanted was as clean of a break as possible from them. I thought I was starting to feel better about everything and now I won't be able to turn on the radio or tv without being reminded of all the pain. I can't even think of all the good times we spent together because it all just hurts too much.
   I know the guys write from personal experience. I know they have their own feelings about what happened and they are entitled to those feelings and have the right to work through them however they need to. I just wish for once their music wasn't world wide. It would make it easier on me if they weren't literally every where I look.
We pull up at Granny's house and Emma's car is outside. When I walk in Emma and Paige are both in my face. "Are you ok?" "Did you know about the song?" "Are you going to get any money off of it?"
I can't answer them right now. I can't even breathe. I swat them away like flies and make bee line for the bathroom. I don't have to use the bathroom just know it's the one place no one will follow me. I run some cold water over my hands and wipe my face. I still have on heavy makeup from last night and it's smeared to hell and back after wiping my face. I turn the shower on and get in. I let the scalding hot water beat the muscle in my neck and back. It hurts, I may honestly be getting burned from the water temperature, but it feels so good. I can feel the knots release little by little. I take way too long in the shower but I don't care. Once I'm out and dry I feel better. I still don't want to face anyone but at least once they see me in a towel they will let me change in my room in peace.
I sit on my bed and stair at the wall. I have so many things going through my mind once again. Do I want to hear the song? Will the song change the way I feel about the boys? Will the song change the way I feel about the situation we're in? Will the song convince me it's ok to call them?
I have had to fight every day that I've been home not to pick up my phone and contact one of the guys. Even Liam and Niall became such a big part of my life in that short time I find myself wanting to talk to them all through out my day. I don't message or call them because I know it's just one step away from talking to Louis or Harry.
Sometimes I find myself with my phone in my hand with a typed message ready to press send. It's almost like waking up from a dream. Something happens and I feel the need to talk to one of the boys and before I know it I'm holding my finger over send. Thankfully I do always stop myself before pressing send.
It's usually really silly stuff that I want to talk to them about. The other day I saw the Discovery Channel was going to start doing a Dinosaur week like Shark week and I really wanted to tell Liam. Granny made the cake recipe she and Harry talked about. It was amazing and I wanted to tell him how delicious it was. They are opening a new golf course close my house and I wanted to tell Niall to come check it out. I literally want to talk to them all the time and it tears me up that I can't.
The one thing I know without a doubt is if they were to ask me back I would definitely go. Sitting here now I'm not even sure why I left in the first place. I remember those days in such a blur. I just remember being scared that John was going to pop out of every corner, but trying to put on a brave face for everyone. I'm not sure now if it was from the concussion or shock from the attack but I almost felt like I was being watched like some horror movie all the time.
When Gwendoline fired me something snapped inside of me. I had so much banking on that damn book I had convinced myself it was my big break. That book was going to change my life. Now I see that it probably would have been the biggest embarrassment of my career. I know that book is a load of bullshit meant to hide the truth about the boys. I would have eventually hated myself for being a part of it.
All of that added the stress that I was already feeling from the fight with my mom and I can see why I felt the way I did. Now that my head is clear I see how the problems added up on that day and I felt like I was drowning and there was no way out. I needed to get away from it all, I think if I had tried to stay at that point it would have escalated into a full blown mental breakdown.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not that I'm so self aware right now. I mean I'm glad I'm not having a mental breakdown, but I almost wish there was still the haziness that made me feel like I needed to stay away. In the state of mind that I'm in now I see that we could have made things work. Things were working great between the three of us and we could have conquered any obstacles together. The part that hurts the most is that I know I'm the one that broke us up. It was my choice. I caused myself all this pain. I caused them pain. What I'm not sure about is whether or not they want me back. I told them I was in love with them but they never said it back. Granted we were busy at the moment and then I left, but still.
My biggest fear is that if I try to reconcile with them and they don't want me anymore. If I stay away I can always keep the small hope that they do love me and that it can work out in the future, but if I get the final answer and its a no I don't know if I can come back from that. How does a person live with no hope at all.