Fluffy Bunnies

Officially

On paper all my documents say that I am a perfectly fine adult living a perfectly fine life. That I don't need help and that I attend school like a good eighteen-year-old. Just ordinary.

My medical records say that I may have some issues but nothing I can't manage. No medication, no hospital admissions, no nothing like that. Perfectly healthy.

At school I am not the model student, but I am captains and a friendly face that stands out in the crowd. Whenever there are new students they are introduced to me because I am a genuinely nice person. I care.

And even behind closed doors, I am fine. I follow the rules and do what I'm told. I clean up when I'm asked, I do my best to help. A good child.

My friends know me. They see a happy and friendly girl who cares a lot and has self-confidence coming out her ass. But not always in a cocky way. Rarely in a cocky way. I want to help people build themselves up and show that they can do things. A kindness.

But on the dark days, the puddles that it feels like it could take years to walk though. That there is nothing left inside me. When you just wish that someone else would kill you for you. When you feel sick to the stomach when you look in the mirror because you just feel like you blood needs to come out. But I don't let it. It would hurt too many people. They would be left behind.

When you have to stop yourself from thinking, so you write it all down and you stop, how many people will you keep hurting? Why are you like this? Why am I like this?

But if you talk to anyone, they'll think you just need a doctor and to talk things out, but when you're in a dark place, not even a doctor can help because it's just you, fighting with our own head. The chemicals in your brain possibly misbalanced but you are too broke to get help. Too scared to actually just get it over and done with because you know you'll just pass the pain onto someone else who would be left behind.

So you sit, and you wait, and you try to keep up appearances but inside, you're already dead.