psychotic; jmb

chapter fourteen

joey, tayler, and i made it out of the building alive.  none of us talked on the way back and the only sounds that were made were by the almost silent radio.  it played happy songs.  songs i'd once danced around my old room in, and played at high volume.  songs that my mom yelled at me for playing at high volume.  she yelled, but she still enjoyed its company in her home.

when we got back to joey's, i instantly ran to my room and locked the door.  i can't deal with the fact that i let joey almost be killed, in sacrifice of my already dead mother. 

i lay onto my bed with my stomach downwards.  my face sinks deeper into my pillow.  a small knock hits my door.

"rose."

it's joey.

i could hear his head hit the wall; maybe because he's so frustrated. 

his nose sniffles as he cries into the door.  he sighs and says, "please come out, baby."

i roll over onto my back, ignoring everything he had said.  it's too much to handle now.  i'm in too much pain to even speak.  shock has taken over me as i realize i've never been good enough to even save the ones i love. 

i'm not built out to be in this gang at all. if i killed everyone that's ever wronged me, as joey did, then where would i be in life? probably serving time in juvie for not executing the murder properly.

it seems as if i'd been staring at the white specks of paint that had been splattered onto the sky blue ceiling in my room for hours. of course, it wasn't hours because i could hear little sighs coming from the other side of the door every 1-2 minutes.

i felt my eyes start to drift off when i hear key jangling sounds from the opposite of the door. instantly, i rolled to my side right side away from the door and shut my eyes to try and make it seem like i'm sleeping.

the door opens and joey's deep, raspy voice sounds throughout my room mumbled something along the lines of, "rose, please answer me."

his voice has traces of sadness and by the way his breathing sounds, he's been crying.

it's ignorant for me to act like he isn't hurt by the death of my mother, or hurt by the fact that i'm upset. honestly, it's better if i stay away from him.

whenever i lose something i love, three things happen. first, i am in an utter and total state of depression and thoughts fill my head caused by anxiety and bipolar disorder causing me to want to kill myself. second, starvation, sleep deprivation, and endless crying without reaching out for help only because of the suicidal thoughts. third, complete bitch mode. if joey sees me like that, i might as well have thrown out our relationship, because there's no going back after seeing me be 10x worse of a bitch than i already am.

there's no way i'd want to lose such an amazing relationship. yes, he's crazy and psychotic, but he's also so romantic and sexy. i question why he chose me every single day.

i'm the complete opposite of joey. sloppy, kinda stupid, bitchy, so not romantic, and not a murder. that last one's a given.

though i'm "asleep", joey walks over to where i'm facing and squats down so our faces are aligned.

"i know you're awake," he started. "you're in a lot of pain right now. i've been through the same thing, rose. you're not alone. i love you," he finished with a kiss on my forehead.

the space between me and the end of my bed wasn't big, yet was still big enough to fit a person. at least big enough to fit a joey, which is exactly where he lay.

i continued to pretend to sleep, but he didn't mind. he wrapped me in a blanket and pulled me close to him. to keep me warm, he rubbed my arms and hugged me so tight it felt like he'd never let anything/anyone hurt me. soon i truly did fall asleep in his arms.

best/worst day of my life.